Exhibit 27.18

Tattoo Ideas for Someone Else Sorted by Decreasing Likelihood

Slipknot Concert Schedule on Back




Clip Art Cupcake




One of Mom's Christmas Quilts




Forever Stamp on Fists




Some unclear statement using The Illustrated Man's Cover




Tattoo Instructions

Exhibit 16.18

It's like I'm in some horrible future where it's too late to stop myself from doing this. Last one, I swear.

I'm back today. By which I mean I haven't left yet.

Exhibit 4.12.13.14 - GRE Literature Test study material

Exhibit 5.22 - That time my fortune cookie talked me out of learning Chinese.

Exhibit 10.12 - Okay, so this one actually isn't so old but it's one of the better photo ones and it hits on a relevant topic for me: hotmail has changed their interface for approximately the one millionth time in the last year. I might have to finally switch to the gmail account I've had for years and never use. It's going to be hard to give up the embarrassing email address I've had since 1998, but this new format is killing me. And there aren't any dogs with headsets anymore. It's like they forgot what they were all about.

Exhibit 16.17

This is so self-congratulatory that I really should stop. In any case, I'm glad we all agreed that we're never going to talk about that time I linked to my own blog over and over.

Exhibit 5.9 - Madison!

Exhibit 3.1 - This is what I was thinking about football in September of 2007. You definitely don't need to read this, but it does sum up my feelings on Randy Moss here: He's like Superman only if Superman had a lingering hamstring problem and sometimes said things like, "I don't need to save everyone. I just have to save people when it counts." Yep.

Exhibit 6.5 - Here's the story of the time junky mouse sacrificers moved into the apartment.

Exhibit 5.4 - The first hint that something was wrong with the Petersons. Note: this was before that guy named Adam Peterson killed someone.

Exhibit 16.16

So, because I need to kill time before my flight leaves, I've decided to schedule some posts for while I'm gone. I think I'll just link to a few older posts that, if you like, you can read in lieu of whatever it is I normally do here. These were all posts from back when four people read this blog which could be anywhere from when it started to yesterday.

(Oh, and I'd like to say hello to our new fifth reader. Hi, Mom. Thanks for reading.)

By the way, I'm doing this despite not having packed, checked into my flight, or printed out what I'm reading. So now you know where my priorities are. They're with you, dear reader. All five of you. I look forward to seeing you at the next Thanksgiving.

Today's:

Exhibit 4.7 - Proof that even the worst literary writing is better than the best business writing. Also, not-interesting is the fact that I avoided using the title of the guy's book because I was afraid he'd google it, find me, and have a friend step on my throat.

Exhibit 2.8 - One of my favorite posts which was ruined by someone coming to their senses before I even posted. Basically, Reuters showed that file photo on an article about couples having children.

Exhibit 2.7 - Huh, this one before it isn't bad either. Remember when every conversation was about Larry Craig and the Ninja Turtles? I do. So does Dave. Nobody else seemed interested. Also notable for featuring Dave spelling out his thoughts on the definition of gay.

Exhibit 1.11 - Here's that time I said bad things about Julia Stiles and felt awful about it for a month. I really wanted to bring that feeling back (and use my Julia Stiles tag which has been dormant ever since, I believe). It's odd, I can't remember going to see very many movies, but I very distinctly remember going to see that Bourne. As I recall, much fun was had at the bar afterward.

Exhibit 14.24

From: Mom
Re: Christmas Agenda

Friday, December 19th
5:00-9:00p.m. - Wait for K. to get off work
9:00-10:00p.m - Talk about whether or not we should go with the original plan or form a new plan
10:00-12:00a.m. - Go to game-filled bar/restaurant Go bowling

Saturday, December 20th
12:00-7:00a.m. - Sleep on air mattress for some, comfy beds for others
8:00-9:30a.m. - Try to readjust the electronic thermostat to not cut temperature to 50 degrees in the basement
9:30-9:45a.m. - Breakfast
9:45-11:00a.m. - Sit in living room
11:00-11:30a.m. - Discuss whether or not we should open one present now
11:30-11:35a.m. - Open one present
11:35-12:00p.m. - Open all presents
12:00-12:00a.m. - Feel ashamed while remarking on the relative attractiveness of the torn wrapping paper

Sunday, December 21st
12:00-9:00a.m. - Fend off band of comically inept robbers with elaborate series of traps constructed out of household objects/reconnect old man Marley with his son
9:00-4:00p.m. - Traditional holiday Dolphins vs. Chiefs game
4:00-5:00p.m. - Disconnect old man Marley from his son
5:00-6:00p.m. - Cider

Thursday, December 25th
All Day - Watch Smart Guy marathon on B.E.T.


Frankly, I'm excited.

Exhibit 10.11

Things I am going to do on this, the longest day of the year

Work
Walk dogs
Finish 500 pages of book club book
Write 500 page book club book
Buy a hat
Drink a coffee
Eat dinner
Drink a beer
Check a score
Buy all the hats
Go to a bar
Talk about The Wire
Wash car
Drive to Kansas City
Wash car (again)
Shower
Listen to music
Film own episode of The Wire
Remove Barksdale costume
Build bed out of legos
Sleep
Disassemble bed and place legos back into ice cream buckets

I know that seems like a lot, but this is the longest day of the year.

Exhibit 8.6

Now that my brief period of intense college basketball fandom has come to an end, I'm afraid this blog will revert back to being mostly about Chris Sarandon and candy bars I ate.

A few notes:

*Finally had the opportunity to watch Flight of the Conchords this weekend. I don't even have words for how amazing it is.

*On a related note, we've changed the pronunciation of our dog Brett's name to "Brit." She won't even respond to "Brett" anymore so don't try. It took all weekend and a lot of Beggin' Strips but it's done.

*Also saw The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford and it's pretty great if not a little too long. Still, once it hits its stride in the second half it comes together nicely, and the movie might as well have been financed by the Missouri tourism board (visitmo.com). Anyone looking for the beauty of the plains should check it out (or drive up NE Highway 2 for awhile).

*Oh, and Casey Affleck. Good.

*Things upcoming this week: maybe some stock photography, a review of a book about elevator inspectors, a Royals preview, and who knows what else. Probably something about Chris Sarandon or candy bars or both.

Exhibit 5.25

New Year's Resolutions

1. Post more. Dropping under 20 a month is just embarrassing.
2. Take stairs to office. Initially I wrote "Take stares to office." I'll do that one, too.
3. Start reading Ward 6. That doesn't really need an explanation.
4. Make more salads. It's not that I feel like I don't eat enough salad as is, it's just that I feel like I need at least one diet related resolution.
5. Stop spending 6 hours per day thinking about Bill Parcells.
6. Train dog. I'm not sure what to train her to do though. Possibly to eat all the extra salad I'll be making.
7. Use spell check. I'm serious this time.

Exhibit 5.8

Real football recap.

This season could not have gone any worse for my two "real" "teams" but thankfully my fantasy teams have been picking up the slack. I'm one more bad Dolphins loss away from starting to send messages to the Dolphins front office like, "Hey, maybe you should have traded for Randy Moss." I'll even write the messages on dollar bills from my fantasy football winnings to prove my point(s).

My point(s): They could have had Randy Moss for nothing/Some kid in Nebraska won a couple bucks playing fantasy football and he wants to spend his money tormenting the Dolphins

Miami Dolphins (0-12)
Here's my take on going winless over the season: Since about week six when people actually started talking about this, I've been of the opinion that a win was inevitable. This happens every year in one way or another, and the commentators and columnists work themselves up over a near impossibility until a team wins or loses or a record doesn't get broken and we all remember that it's a hard game won as often with luck as skill.

Take a look at this article. It's a few weeks old, but the gist is that the Dolphins are not only not the worst team of all-time but they aren't even the worst team in the league and sooner or later they'll win a game because they can't continue to be unlucky forever. Basically this guy justified with statistics what I'd believed and probably told you about if you were ever unfortunate enough to mention the Dolphins around me.

This doesn't make me feel better. I want to make that clear. I bring it up not to say the Dolphins aren't the worst team in the league--they are--but to illustrate that even though statistics, logic, and history all insist that the Dolphins will win one game this year, I'm no longer certain it will happen.

The similarity between a quest like the Patriots' quest to go undefeated and the Dolphins quest to go, well, defeated is that both are the kind of epochal events that deep down we want to see happen. Historically good and historically bad become markers of an era and barometers for the future and it's in everyone's interest to see these dramas played out as even if a team comes up short it can invigorate the game. There's no great conspiracy here, but it's no accident the Patriots got every call towards the end of last Monday's somewhat tainted win over the Ravens and that the Dolphins have lost twice as many games by 3 points or fewer (6) than the next closest team.

It's not about the refs for the Dolphins--though, in a few games, it sort-of was--it's about every other team wanting to avoid the ignominy of losing to an 0-12 team. It's a powerful motivator which tends to create what we usually call luck.

Team MVP: Old Chicago's Double Deckoroni pizza. They haven't won since I've started ordering this, but it is delicious.

Team LVP: Um...

Coach: Let's just say I no longer feel so great about the Cam "Cameron" Cameron reign. Now, I'm not saying they should fire the guy after only one season, but it now has to be in the discussion. I don't know if there is anything more emasculating to an NFL coach than to get fired as head coach and then come back as an assistant coach--we should ask Gunther Cunningham--but I'm now fully on board with trying to retain Cam as an offensive coordinator with a new head coach. I know that won't happen. I know a lot of things won't happen.

Nebraska Cornhuskers (season over)
There's a new coach with a great slogan so they've got that going for them. Bo Big Red should be interesting if nothing else. I hope after our next K-State victory he goes and punches Bill Snyder. I know Bill Snyder is no longer the coach, I just want him to do it anyway.

MVP: Marlon Lucky? I guess. Maybe I'm forgetting someone, but I honestly have no idea who to put here. It's not that Lucky, Keller, Purify, and Ganz didn't all have their moments, but no one really took over for this team. In other words, they went 5-7.

LVP: Let's just say I knowingly didn't put any defensive players on that list of performers.

Coach: The newspaper headlines write themselves here. Bo Big Red! Bo Knows Defense! Bo Bridges Crimson Tide! And, even if it doesn't work out, the Custer County Chief can run with the headline 'Broken Bo'.

I could do this all day.


Fantasy recap coming tomorrow.

Exhibit 3.13

Not to interrupt my series of ill-conceived and poorly-edited 1,000+ word posts to make yet another reference to my quickly-fading health, but I have cold. These are the things I feel like we should be able to share with each other. Now you.

I also wanted to plan my week.

Today: Fortnightly football recap
Wednesday: Thoughts about and lines from Alaskaphrenia by Christine Hume
Thursday: Royals season review
Friday: Probably something about the new The Cupboard, probably something else

Also, in non-blog news, I think Heather and I are going to this reading tonight at NE Wesleyan. You should go too. But don't shake my hand no matter how many times I ask to shake yours. I will ask a lot.