Exhibit 1.3.11

Thesis Defense

It suddenly occurs to me I stopped updating you on the exploits of Thesis Defense, our Creative Writing Program intramural basketball team. If only there was some way I could sum up our loss in the playoffs in one humiliating photo. O, there is? Great:

In my defense, we were in a zone so, really, it could have been any of the opposing players scoring on me. Not in my defense: my defense. Hands up, Peterson.

Photo thanks(?) to Karyna McGlynn whose book you should pick up here. Pick up and destroy probably.

Exhibit 1.3.10

Videos about Being on Tour Released in 1983: A Compendium

* Journey's "Faithfully"

* Air Supply's "Making Love Out of Nothing at All"
(also notable for having invented the video picture frame which is what you will be getting your parents for Christmas in 2014)

The end.


Exhibit 1.3.9

Need to Figure This Out

So I keep going back and forth on this point, and I can't decide: Did the dinosaur hunter guy from Jurassic Park use his final breath to make a Total Recall reference before being mauled by velociraptors?

Evidence for:

1) Said to a "girl"

2) This girl had been "clever"

Evidence against:

1) He's about to die making it an odd thing to choose as one's final words regardless of the quote's appropriateness in the situation (sort of like if you were stabbed and said, "If it bleeds, we can kill it." before, you know, dying).

2) No other evidence he's a Total Recall fan

Okay, that's pretty much it.


Exhibit 1.3.8

An Unnecessarily Obscene Letter to the Game of Thrones Universe

Look, dickholes, I've been loving your show. And I don't mean to call you dickholes, but I've been thinking it over and you're something like dickholes. It's not you. It's your civilization. Every so often a character on the show throws something out like, "We've been guarding this giant wall for 8,000 years," and, you know, I get that they're proud of their family's commitment to standing in the snow but I'm like wait, wait, wait--these dickholes have been here for 8,000 years and haven't invented Applebees?

I'm joking. Sort of. Just because we invented Applebees after less than 8,000 years doesn't mean everyone should have, but is a Hardees too much to ask for? I'm joking again. That's me joking. You guys might not even care for reasonably priced 3-course meals that serve families on a budget. I don't know that but I know this. Your civilization has been around for more than 8,000 years and you've accomplished these things:

1) Giant wall
2) Training crows to carry letters

That's it as far as I can tell. And it doesn't make sense because I see wheels and pulleys and you must be this close to the inclined plane so it's like, come on you shitbirds, learn how to build machines already. I'm not asking for Terminators or anything, just, you know, something more complicated than what my Tamagotchi comes up with if it lives more than a week before starving. For example: It takes your king a month to go on a ski vacation which means every trip anywhere is basically the Oregon Trail. How many jerkoffs have to die of cholera before you guys get trains?

You know how many Applebees I could visit in a month? Enough to enjoy a whole asston of their new sizzling Cajun shrimp.

So let's think this over. I mean, you've got the crows. That's pretty cool. Our crows just act like stuckup goth kids. Of course, if they get sick, we can save them with crow penicillin and make them see better using lasers. In fact, our crows might live to be 8,000 and they don't have to stand on a wall unless they want to. Come to think of it, maybe you should make one of our crows king and save yourselves a lot of action and sex-packed intrigue.

But look, that's really not the point here. The point is this: some of our people don't think our entire planet is much more than 8,000 years old. And that means you guys are falling behind in all areas except incest technology. But it's cool because it also means we're pretty stupid sometimes, too. I mean, we don't have an entire continent of people afraid to row across a tiny ocean, but we've got the Palins. They're sort of like your Lannisters only exactly like your Lannisters.

Still, if this were a game of Civilization, even Gandhi would have ridden you down with his war elephants by now. Not because he wanted to hurt you, but because those elephants could teach you how to navigate using stars and take tenure-track positions at the universities you seemingly don't have. You daft fucks.

But I get it. You're too busy stabbing each other to invent the shovel and dig up all the petroleum in your soil. Maybe if we had dragons, we would have turned into a civilization run by middle school boys, too. And maybe if our winters lasted a decade, we would have also taken a few millennia off.

O, no wait, we would have eaten queso blanco nacho platters at our centrally heated Applebees until it was time to jetski.

Tighten it up,