Exhibit 21.11

Fantasy Football Draft Recap

Because why not.

I've done these sort of recaps every year and there's no reason to play it cool now. If long posts about ice makers aren't going to convince you I'm not worth paying attention to then nothing about my agonizing over starting virtual Ray Rice is going to change that. Although maybe seeing how poorly I drafted will at least make you question me a little. Coming out of the other drafts I recapped in the past (here, here, here, here) I think I felt good about my teams. Great names, solid starters, some good jokes made at the draft.

This year I'm only doing one team and it has a horrible name, some awful players, and because I live here I was doing the draft over the computer which led the autopick to take someone who's suspended when it dropped my connection. Things I've learned from this year already:

1) Neutral Milk Hotel should never be playing during a fantasy football draft. Some things just don't work well together.
2) If when you're thinking about drafting a quarterback and you check his status before making the pick, "Rejected settlement in rape case" is just as bad as a torn ACL
3) When you have the #2 pick and someone sends you a text message that says the guy picking #1 isn't going to take the obvious best player, so then you get excited about taking that player, then you get another text message saying he's changed his mind and he is taking that player, it is okay to instantly quit the league
4) If you think you're getting a steal on a wide receiver, you should always check to make sure he's not catching passes from a quarterback thinking about whether or not he should have rejected that rape settlement
5) Having good names is better than having good players. My receivers are named Roddy, Antonio, Santonio, and...Greg. I don't care if Greg is the best one, I'm cutting him and find a guy named Pantonio.

And so this is the Houston Whitney:

First Round - Michael Turner, RB. He's good. Arguably in line for a better season than Adrian Peterson. But did I mention Adrian Peterson's last name is Peterson. I think Andy should have let me draft my cousin. I would have let him draft a player named Ruiz. Okay, so I just checked and there are no draft eligible players named Andy or Ruiz in the league. Some of us just have better genes, I guess.

Second Round - Roddy White, WR. Maybe I should have mentioned that Michael Turner is apparently cursed. Is that important? Well, I saw Drag Me to Hell so I guess I'd say...oh holy jesus this is awful no no no.

Third Round - Greg Jennings, WR. My first mistake. I should have been on the lookout for a Pantonio Ruiz here. I'm feeling pretty good about my receivers at this point, and I'm thinking I'll be able to get a good running back next.

Fourth Round - Marshawn Lynch, RB. This is what I'm staring at after my connection to the draft resets. Apparently he was the highest ranked player on the computer's board. Problems with this: A) He's suspended for 3 games; B) His team just fired their offensive coordinator a week before the season; C) They keep cutting their starting offensive linemen; D) They are easily the worst team in a solid division; E) His suspension is for getting arrested for having a handgun and pot in his car (note: this is not his suspension for hitting someone with his Hummer, that was last year). Otherwise, he was a great pick, Computer. Jesus, I feel like I need to go find Steve Guttenburg and Fisher Stevens to go put the Yahoo computer of its memory. It's apparently a Bills fan, so I think I know where to start looking.

Fifth Round - Antonio Bryant, WR. Another timeout pick, technically, but this one I saw coming and was ready for it. Honestly, he could be great or I could cut him next week. I really don't know what to think about him other than that he's got more than a bit of Jake Taylor in him. I wish I would have had him one year ago, not two or three years ago, but then four years ago. He's also on a team that just fired its OC. Oh, and his quarterback is apparently Brian Leftwich now. By which I mean his QB for weeks 1-3, 8, 10-13 is Brian Leftwich. The other weeks it will presumably be someone without an eating disorder so that's...good?

Sixth Round - Ray Rice, RB. Hey, everyone, it's my starting RB for weeks 1-3. Okay, so I actually really like this pick. I also like that his name is Ray. I hope him and Greg become friends over a game of Go while the (S)antonios and Marshawn are out clubbing.

Seventh Round - Santonio Holmes, WR. Okay, I forgot I took him before Roethlisberger. That makes me feel a little better. He's the best WR on a good team and one of these years he's actually going to make the leap. Between the (S)antonios, someone is going to step up, right? Right?

Eighth Round - Zach Miller, TE. Hey, did you know he had over 700 yards receiving last year? Can you name another Oakland receiver who is going to make an impact? Yeah, I'm trying to talk myself into him. I'm pretty sure after I made this pick the Neutral Milk Hotel song, "You've Passed" came on. Yep, Fantasy Jeff Mangum, pretty much. I don't know why you didn't write a song called, "Wait Until the Last Round Then Grab Anthony Fasano He's Just as Good."

Ninth Round - Ben "My Television is Broken" Roethlisberger, QB. Why do I always wait too long to take a QB and end up with this clown? For what it's worth, I wouldn't be making fun of his current legal troubles if it weren't so widely speculated that this thing is going to get very ugly for the accuser (if you don't know, it was a civil suit, there have never been criminal charges, and it seems like the alleged victim is trying to drop the case without getting sued herself). That doesn't change the fact that he's clearly an asshole and just as soon as I can I'm going to cut him and pick up pretty boy Chad Pennington. Now that's a face you can trust at a celebrity golf game in Phoenix.

Tenth Round - LeSean McCoy, RB. So maybe I took him because both his first and last names have capital letters. So what? If we'd let Johnny 18 on the Yahoo server pick, I'd probably have Jim Kelly on my team right now.

And then there was probably a kicker and a defense in there somewhere. Like I said, a pretty weak team. Unless we're counting ongoing legal cases. Then we win. We win big. Hey, but in googling to find that Whitney Houston picture, I just learned her new album debuted at #1. Omens, people, omens.

1 comment:

Dusty said...

The Houston Whitney? That's yer team name?

I mean at least go with the Houston Castros....