8.27.2007

Exhibit 2.6

So I might have had another fantasy football draft last night. You know, I could be reading poetry if anyone would recommend a book, but instead I'm getting pulled deeper into the depravity and moral decay that is fantasy football. This, my second and final team, came off about as well as my last:

If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team

First Round - Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco. Why Frank Gore dropped to the ninth pick, I'll never know. Ecstatic doesn't begin to describe how I felt about it. I didn't even let myself believe he might drop to me, I just waited out pick after pick until the guy before me took Rudi Johnson (Rudi Johnson!). I meekly said Gore's name, expecting someone to tell me that Gore had been in a car accident or was attacked by Joey Porter's dogs. As far as I know, he's still alive. Now Rudi Johnson on the other hand...

Second Round - Willis McGahee, RB, Baltimore. Who cares if I hated him on my team last year, he's in Baltimore now and if Jamal Lewis and his ankle bracelet can rush for 1,000 yards there than surely Willis can get 1,200. Good value at 16 too.

Third Round - Reggie Wayne, WR, Indianapolis. I don't care what anyone says, he's going to be better than Marvin Harrison one of these years. Here's hoping it's this one.

Fourth Round - Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego. I've never had him on my team before, and though there were higher guys on my board, they were all RBs and QBs that I didn't have any faith in (like, say, Matt Hasselbeck). Another good value pick. It's always nice to lock up the class of a position, and I'm essentially considering him a 4th WR.

Fifth Round - Randy Moss, WR, New England. A boom or bust pick, but another great value in my opinion. I mean, Chris Chambers was taken ahead of him. I love Chris, but I'll take my chances with my man, Randy, thanks.

Sixth Round - Jamal Lewis, RB, Cleveland. Never mind that I just made a joke about him. He had no business being available at this pick considering he starts on a team without any other RBs to steal carries from him. Sure, he pretty much runs with a limp, has a bad attitude, and I hated him on my team last year, but I'll take him as a backup over some of the scrubs that were getting selected before him.

Seventh Round - Jerious Norwood, RB, Atlanta. And here's where the draft goes downhill for awhile. I tried to pick a QB here, but somehow forgot to cross Jay Cutler off my sheet, leading to me selecting him after he was gone (a total faux pas). In my panic, I just grabbed the highest guy left on my board, Mr. Norwood, who I later learned has some kind of mysterious stomach ailment. As my 4th RB, it's no big deal, but I probably should have gone WR or QB here rather than take value. For good and bad, the next best QB on my list was still available the next round...

Eighth Round - Eli Manning, QB, NYG. Did you know Eli has thrown for 24 touchdown passes the past two years? Did you know the Giants have a new offensive coordinator and will pass more without Tiki? Did you know Manning has looked great in the preseason? Um, yeah, it doesn't matter. Totally the weak link on my team, even if he does end up in the top 10 QBs (which he probably will).

Ninth Round - Santonio Holmes, WR, Pittsburgh. I'm predicting big things this year. Another boom or bust guy, but the WRs on my bench behind him are possession guys, so if he falters I'll at least have some consistency to plug in. Maybe.

Tenth Round - Ladell Betts, RB, Washington. Ah, me and LaDell Betts. Good times. I'm glad we're back together. (By the way, someone took Clinton Portis--who starts ahead of LaDell--early in the second round and then refused to take LaDell for some reason, which is where I stepped in to end his freefall. Instead the owner went with guys like Brandon Marshall and Anthony Thomas. Um, LaDell Betts is going to end the season with more points than Portis. He just is. We all know it. Even if not, why wouldn't you take him ahead of Anthony Thomas who is the backup RB on a different team?)

Rounds 11-15 - Ronald Curry, WR; Marty Booker, WR; Jaguars D; Jason Campbell, QB; Josh Brown, K.

So my team is:

QB - Eli Manning
RB - Frank Gore
RB - Willis McGahee
WR - Reggie Wayne
WR - Randy Moss
WR - Santonio Holmes
TE - Antonio Gates
K - Josh Brown
Def - Jacksonville

BN - Jamal Lewis, Jerious Norwood, Ladell Betts, Ronald Curry, Marty Booker, and Jason Campbell.

My QBs are the weak link, and no matter how many things I read about Eli Manning actually being underrated for fantasy, I still don't feel good about it. Even though personalities don't matter here, I still can't help but think his wooden smirk is going to derail my team somehow.

Still, 'If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team' actually turned out pretty great. I don't think my team is the presumptive favorite, but it's definitely playoff caliber. Hopefully I can trade Ladell Betts for a heart to give Eli Manning.

3 comments:

Dusty said...

So 24 touchdown passes in 2 years isn't a lot? And, like, QB's don't do anything for a fantasy team if they hand the ball off, say to a running back? But they do if they throw the ball to a wide receiver? And Eli Manning despite everything I hear about him (and wasn't he in the super bowl maybe?) *isn't* a good choice for a fantasy team?

I'm so glad Eric Bogosian Lives is dead on the page. There's absolutely no room in my head for all this.

A. Peterson said...

Quarterbacks get points for yards they have gained throwing, touchdown passes, and yards they have gained running. They lose points for interceptions and fumbles. Eli Manning won't get many (or any) yards for running, but he will get points for the touchdown passes and yards (minus the interceptions).

24 touchdowns in a year is a pretty solid (though unspectacular) year. The reason why people are down on Eli as a fantasy player are mostly reasons why people are down on him as a real player: despite being the Number 1 pick in the draft, he's inconsistent, sometimes inaccurate, and isn't seen as a leader.

Now, I'm trying to remind myself that those reasons aren't really important in fantasy football. I don't feel good about it yet...

Eric Bogosian Lives is Dead is a great name for something. Possibly a first born son.

christopher higgs said...

You might enjoy these fine books of poetry:

Christian Hawkey's Citizen Of
Ander Monson's Vacationland
Dean Young's Skid
Yusef Komunyakaa's Neon Vernacular
Christian Bök's Eunoia