Exhibit 5.17

I'm taking a break from being a shameless, shameless shill to update you on some recent sports developments: (in reverse order of importance)


Royals sign Ron Mahay!

If I told you that the Royals signed a 36-year-old left-handed situational reliever, how much would you guess they had to pay? If you said $5 million dollars, you're off by a full $3 million.

I swear to god, the fact that Ron Mahay gets $8 million dollars over the next two years is going to make me teach my child how to throw a curveball before he learn how to ride a bike. The worst part is that this can only be considered a good, slightly below market deal for the Royals. In fact, I'm all for it.

But, jesus, Ron Mahay? I mean, really? Mahay? $8 million?

This is the best day for a Mahay since Steve caught that fish that one time. Good for all of them, I say.


Royals sign Jose Guillen

Actually, scratch that about teaching my future son--let's call him Brautigan--to throw a curve. I'm teaching little Brautigan how to order HGH over the Internet with a prescription from a shady dentist in Florida. Contract: 3 years, $36 million.


If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team makes the finals.

It all comes down to this after a not particularly close match up against my archenemy. Now I'm playing the other conference's champ and need a big week to win it all. Let's take a look at the matchup: (his player first [and if you know nothing about fantasy, note that only the team's performance as a whole matters and not these particular matchups])

Team Name - Team Skeet Ulrich vs. If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team. Advantage: If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team. Still, strange we both named our teams after actors. I'm giving myself the advantage because I was first and my actor is better.

QB - Ben Roethlisberger vs. Sage Rosenfels. Advantage: Um, let's just say it's not Sage. Good god, I'm screwed. Ben has actually already played and had a great though not insurmountable performance. I'm playing Sage under the theory that the Colts will pull all of their starters in the second half (they have nothing left to play for). Oh, there's also the theory that Eli Manning is horrible (you hear that, Eli, it's over between us. For real this time. We tried to make it work.)

I know all I need is a respectable performance from Sage and he did fine for me last week, but I just can't feel good about this. This is where I lose.

RB - Fred Taylor vs. Wills McGahee. Advantage: Push. I actually prefer McGahee here slightly but Taylor has been great all month. Still, I don't really trust him and feel like he's do for a let down week as MJD steps up to carry more of the load. Oddly, my opponent originally had McGahee starting in this spot so we'd have the same guy going. If it were my call, I'd go McGahee because I think he's a better bet to score, but it's hard to sit a guy who rushed for 150 yards last week.

By the way, I may have just been making myself feel better right there. I stand by my hunch, but you should know the consensus says Taylor is probably a better play.

RB - Joseph Addai vs. Jamal Lewis. Advantage: Push. Again, I feel okay with this because I think Addai sits for awhile. Think about it, the Colts can't hurt or improve their playoff position. They have a young RB who isn't exactly a load carrier and has really slowed down since the middle of the season. They have backups they like and work in a lot anyway. Why would they play him at all? If I was the other team, I'd go with McGahee in this spot. I think Addai gets two series tops.

Still, I'm going with a push here because I don't want to jinx Lewis who has a fantastic matchup, is on a team playing for something, and is really hitting his stride. I can't believe I'm saying this about a convicted felon, but I'd trust Lewis with my fictional son Brautigan's life this week.

WR - Greg Jennings vs. Randy Moss. Advantage: Moss. Here's where my team starts to show it's strength. The other team has solid but streaky receivers. Jennings is good, but I'll take my chances with Mr. Moss.

WR - Steve Smith vs. Reggie Wayne. Advantage: Wayne. I'm pretty sure I'll take one half of Reggie Wayne catching passes from Peyton Manning over a full game of Steve Smith catching passes from Matt Moore (who, incidentally, I think I went to grade school with).

Here's a pretty good test for QBs: If you have a name like an Arena League player, you'll probably end up being an Arena League player. Marino, Elway, Farve, Romo, etc. all have great names. Matt Moore sounds like he should be MVP of the Sioux Falls Sidewinders.

WR - Reggie Williams vs. Santonio Holmes. Advantage: Holmes. Holmes has already played and scored a nice 18 points. I have a hard time seeing Williams matching that as he's only done it twice all season. He's a WR that needs to catch a TD to have any value. Here's hoping he doesn't.

TE - Vernon Davis vs. Antonio Gates. Advantage: Who knows? Gates would be the consensus pick as he's the best TE in the game, but he's been so flaky lately that it's hard to say which Gates is going to show up.

Vernon Davis on the other hand is possibly the greatest combination of size, speed, and flexibility since Bo Jackson. Except he's not very good at football. Seriously though, he looks great running in those Under Armour commercials.

K - Phil Dawson vs. Josh Brown. Advantage: Dawson. Not that it really matters.

Defense - New England (against, gulp, Miami) vs. Minnesota (against Washington). Advantage: New England. Both are great plays, honestly, but anytime you get a 14-0 team against a 1-13 team, you take that matchup if you can get it. Sigh. I want the Dolphins to win far more than I want to win this fantasy championship.


Dolphins hire Bill Parcells to head up football operations.

Let's ignore the fact that Bill Parcells leaves every job he takes. That he has the body type of Gloop and Gleep from The Herculoids. That he is 66 and has heart problems. That he's kind of a jerk.

The guy wins. Good hire.

Exhibit 5.10

Fantasy football recap.

The Lincoln Hawks (7-6, fifth place)

Due to poor managerial skills, I've lost quite a few close games with this team and now need another team to lose (while I win) in order to back into the playoffs where I will be promptly crushed. I now understand why managers in all sports continue to run the same players out there over and over expecting a different result. Sooner or later, Steve Smith has to have a good game, right? Um, right?

Well, not right apparently. I think this season effectively answered the question of whether or not I should be put in charge of a major sports team. Given the opportunity, I would totally give Jason LaRue 150 at bats or leave Pedro Martinez in the game another inning or keep Ricky Thenarse on the bench or trade for AJ Feeley. I play favorites and hunches worse than anyone with my fantasy football team. That's probably why I have yet to accept Steve Smith as a disaster. I mean, he's Steve Smith.

Anyway, I've got a good feeling about him this week. Plus, I just don't like that Ronald Curry.

This week's quote from team namesake and Swift Transportation CEO Lincoln Hawk(s): "The world meets no one halfway."

If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team (8-5, first place)

This team also went a little south since Randy Moss became human again, but it was still enough to capture first place heading into this week's opening playoff round. I feel okay about my chances right up until the moment I remember Eli Manning is prominently involved. Tom Coughlin, the entire NY Giants team, and his dad all feel the same way. I would actually like to get a drink with those guys just so we could all commiserate together. Then Eli would probably walk in and we'd all have to pretend that we were talking about Dancing with the Stars. Eli would probably take up that conversation enthusiastically and disappoint us all over again.

This is how you think when you rely on Eli Manning.

My team actually peaked already, but, as with Interpol and the first season of Heroes, I'm just pretending it didn't peak too early. Ideally Frank Gore wouldn't have played like a guy who's had major operations on both of his knees and I could have spun him for a quarterback, but it's too late for that now. My lineup going into this week:

QB - Eli Manning. I hate even typing it, but who else do I go with? Schaub is hurt and the best pick up option is Sage Rosenfels (who, and this is not a joke, dresses up like a clown and does children's birthday parties in the offseason. How can I feel okay with him?)

RB - Jamal Lewis. That nice playoff schedule is finally paying off.

RB - Willis McGahee. Gets the start over Gore but only because Gore has been absolutely awful. In fact, I think Gore is friends with Steve Smith.

WR - Randy Moss. The magic is still there, isn't it, Randy? I feel like a child pleading with his now alcoholic father to come back home and make things like they used to be. In fact, I'd say that's pretty much exactly the situation here. Remember how nice Halloween was, Randy? Christmas could be like that, be like it used to be, when things were good.

WR - Reggie Wayne. I honestly think this season might kill Reggie Wayne. Toward the end of last week's Colts game poor Reggie was limping downfield with four guys draped over him and still making catches. The Colts are not winning anything unless Marvin Harrison comes back.

WR - Patrick Crayton. Getting the start because I can't trust that Santonio Holmes will play. He was solid for me last week, and I like anyone who sticks with the full 'Patrick' and doesn't eventually breakdown and let everyone call him 'Pat.' That shows he's got guts. Thinking--and sincerely believing--things like this is how my managerial career would go south.

TE - Antonio Gates. Last week's 1 catch for -1 yard performance didn't happen. You hear me? Didn't happen. (On a more serious note, the QB I wanted to trade for earlier this year was Philip Rivers. Thank god both my friend Justin and I are idiots otherwise that might have happened. If both teams could redo that 2004 NFL draft again, would they bother trading those stiffs for each other or would they just say pass and sign Sage Rosenfels to be QB/Birthday Clown?)

(Take another look at the top of that 2004 draft by the way. It went bad, bad, great but moody, tragedy, finally blooming after some horrific seasons but moody, legitimately good and not a cancer, a cancer who got in a fight with coach, horrible, horrible. In other words, I feel lucky the Dolphins didn't end up with a guy who is now in prison.)

K - Josh Brown. He's a kicker and, as far as I know, not a clown in the offseason.

Def - Minnesota Vikings. I love that I was able to pick these guys up as free agents two weeks ago after going with some truly horrible defenses all year. They're good.

That's it. That is everything I know about fantasy football.

Exhibit 4.20

Football Recap.

In case you haven't noticed, I stopped doing football recaps in the hopes of writing one at a time when there was something triumphant to say about the Miami Dolphins and/or Nebraska Cornhuskers. It, um, looks like I might be waiting for a while.

Miami Dolphins (0-8)
*Dolphins QB Trent Green was lost for the season with a concussion (to be fair, I think we all knew this was going to happen. I mean, virtual Trent Green gets a concussion when I shake my Madden '08 disc [if I owned it which, as far as you know, I don't]).

*Dolphins RB Ronnie Brown, in the middle of an amazing season, tears his ACL while trying to tackle a CB who intercepted a Cleo Lemon. Lemon was Green's backup so I suppose we could blame this on Green too but he wouldn't remember it anyway. As for Brown, who knows. I just hope they didn't take him out of the stadium in the Terrell Davis Memorial Stupid Career-Ending Injury Ambulance (if that name seems cumbersome [and unfunny] imagine how cumbersome [and unfunny] it was for the guy who had to spell it out backward on the hood).

*John Beck still not allowed to play football. The guy's 26 and yet we're supposed to think he's too raw to play in a game yet? He has kids! I get what the Dolphins are doing (they want to ensure at least one victory before they put the rookie in) but the guy they are choosing is responsible for more catastrophic knee injuries than he is victories. That should matter, right?

*Joey Porter died.

*Cam Cameron made a list of winnable games in a notebook he carries then had to sheepishly erase Houston on the plane ride home. Okay, maybe I only imagined this one.

*I watched 10 minutes of a Michigan game in order to "scout" Jake Long. This, by the way, may be the most indefensible action a sports fan can take.

You: What are you doing?
Me: Watching this college football game because the Dolphins might draft this guy.
You: Oh, is the draft soon?
Me: It's in late-April.
You: But the Dolphins want this guy?
Me: Well, if they continue to lose and get a top 5 pick, the guy tests well at the Combine, none of the teams that pick in front of the Dolphins--if there are any--take him, and the Dolphins decide they want an offensive tackle rather than a defensive tackle, then yes, they probably want this guy.
You: Are we going to have to talk about this until April?
Me: I like how he moves his feet. Nice wingspan, too.

Nebraska Cornhuskers (4-6)
*5 game losing streak, worst defense in the conference and nearly the worst in the country, fired athletic director, hired Tom Osborne, not going to a bowl game, ripped hearts out of the entire state. That pretty much covers it.

*On a side note, my mom, who doesn't watch football but went to the Kansas game, summed up the experience by saying, "I don't know, it seemed like our guys were kind of sissies." Normally I'd be against such inflammatory statements about college kids except that A) they did give up 76 points and B) what followed this comment was a lengthy recap of the rest of the weekend which involved calling a number of waiters, other drivers, and my own siblings "sissies." I'm thinking it's just my mom's go-to insult.

If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team (7-2, first place)
*This team is pretty much all about Randy Moss, Reggie Wayne, and Antonio Gates while getting good-but-not-great performances from everyone else.

*This team is not about Eli Manning though he continues to quarterback this squad to greatness. I really wish there was someway I could change his name in the system to Bob Griese as he's doing just enough to win. I might have to email someone about this.

*This week's game is against my friend Justin's team which he cleverly named The Moon Whalers, a nice Futurama reference. I was impressed. Then I found out that Justin named both his fantasy football teams this. Since this is clearly the worst thing anyone has ever done, I am honorbound to beat him.

*Can you imagine if Philip Roth, just so enamored with the title, named every one of his books Goodbye, Columbus? I can. It would be great. I'll tell you what's not great, any one else doing it.

The Lincoln Hawks (4-5, Seventh Place)
*Lost by .98 points one week and then 3 the next which pretty much accounts for the somewhat sorry state of this team. Still, an easy schedule between now and the playoffs plus a much stronger team than the beginning of the season thanks to some nice pickups means I still have an outside shot at the playoffs (but it's not likely).

*Steve Jackson, the supposed centerpiece of this squad, came back from a groin tear just in time to have back spasms. I imagine he and Trent Green like to road trip to Windsor for cheap prescriptions.

*On paper, this team is still one of the best teams in the league but I think they lack the necessary chemistry to make it work. I know this is a stupid thing to think, but I can't help it.

*If it makes things more clear, I also imagine Fantasy Steve Smith swearing at reporters after another 2 point performance. It's only a matter of time before Fantasy Steve Smith punches Fantasy Hines Ward in his fantasy nose while watching fantasy film. If that sounds improbable, just remember that the real Steve Smith did it.

Exhibit 3.14

Fortnightly Football Recap.

Nebraska Cornhuskers (3-1)
The less said about the Ball State game the better. As that was the first game I attended this year, it was a particularly shocking experience to spend three hours baking in the sun and wondering if there was any way I could pickup Ball State's quarterback for my fantasy team two years before he's even in the NFL. I'm not sure if this guy is actually the greatest QB ever to play the game or if it's just that Nebraska's defense is really shaky, but that kid dominated. So much so that I can't even look up his name.

I do remember their wide receiver Dante Love's name, however. Although if Jerry Rice wanted to make it less obvious that he was using a pseudonym to play football at Ball State, he should have gone with a name like Bob Realman or something.

As for the Iowa State game, they won, though not without causing everyone from Chadron to Papillion to question whether or not they would have to drive to Ames just to pick a fight. And that's not an easily excitable demographic. Thankfully, the game wasn't on TV, so no one had to actually see our safeties looked confused. (This is one of the most intriguing subplots of the 2007 Husker season. Our safeties routinely point at each other, then at an opposing receiver, then at each other, then watch as the ball get snapped, and then keep pointing as the receiver runs downfield. If there was a stat kept for number of times our safeties pointed at an opposing receiver right before the snap, Larry Asante would be leading the country with 31. And I don't think it's his fault).

They play Missouri this weekend which will pretty much make or break the Big XII North for them, especially after Colorado and Kansas St. both won this past week. Get ready for a long conference season. I'm excited.

Miami Dolphins (0-4)
Next.

If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team (3-1)
The one loss was the result of facing a team where everything just went right, but it happens. Still, in second place and with more points than any other team, I think this team is still the clear favorite (which can't be said for the real Mandy Patinkin. About anything).

Randy Moss is still playing as if every other team in the NFL wrote him off as a pot-smoking headcase who once ran over a traffic guard. Oddly, everyone was right in this equation. As not feeling good about Moss has been working so far, I plan on continuing to act like he's a disaster and I hate having him on my team.

You: Wow, you're really lucky to have Randy Moss.
Me: You know who that has never been said to? His coaches, girlfriends, and parents.

You: I wish I had Randy Moss.
Me: So does the state police.

You: I have cancer.
Me: Me too. Is yours also named Randy Moss?

You: It's going to kill me.
Me: That's what he does. Always.

There is no way this can ever backfire.

Speaking of backfiring, praising Eli Manning. Let's step it up, Eli. I wish there was some way I could get all of the asshole Giants fans at the Meadowlands to start chanting my fantasy backup QB's name rather than the Giants's actual backup. I bet everyone who has Eli feels this way.

The Lincoln Hawks (1-3)
So I have this gimmick with this team where every week for my "trash talk" comment (shown as a little speech bubble by my team name) I put in a different quote from Over the Top. This week's quote was, "I've got a family! And when this is over, I'm comin' to get him." I'm pretty sure no one finds this the least bit interesting or amusing yet I plan to continue doing it because I'm really starting to see the parallels between this team and Over the Top. It's not just that we're scrappy underdogs who through a series of bad decisions find ourselves looking up at where we want to be--nor is it about the way I put on a baseball cap and turn it backwards before adjusting my lineup--it's just that no one believes in us.

We're not a bad team. We're not a good team. If a couple of breaks had gone our way (or Steven Jackson's leg on the play where he hurt his groin), we could still be in this thing. I need this truck, etc.

I could keep going on here, but let me just finish by saying this will all end with me challenging everyone to an arm wrestling match at next year's draft. Frankly, I'm excited about it.

Miami Dolphins (0-4)
Oh, why not. Some thoughts on the Dolphins since we last spoke. I've decided to only be positive:

*Ronnie Brown is a very, very good football player. Not to be lost in all of the thorough awfulness of this team is the fact that Mr. Brown has been nothing short of incredible the last two weeks: 38 rushes, 246 yards, 6.5 ypc; 12 catches, 172 yards; 4 total touchdowns.

*Trent Green is an attractive man (making him one of approximately 32 million attractive men in this country who should not be a starting quarterback in the NFL).

*I really like the potential of Cam Cameron's offense. Even though the team shows all the defensive savy of a stranger eating in front of our dogs for the first time, I really like the way the offense is starting to move the ball. It's been a long time since Miami has had anything like a respectable offense.

*Too early for John "Adam Peterson" Beck to start playing.

*Ted Ginn made a tackle on special teams. So, for the record: Ted Ginn's catches this year: 1. Ted Ginn's special teams tackles: 1. Oh, and he was the 9th pick in the draft. (Ed note: for some reason I always want to write his name Tedd Ginn which isn't right. I just need to remember that he has as many 'd's in his name as he has catches).

*In all seriousness, I actually have hope for Ted Ginn. And Tedd Ginn. However he wants to spell it.

*I'm out of positive things to say, but let me say this: I really like watching the Miami Dolphins play. Sure, they're awful, but somehow it just makes me like them more. It's probably the same reason you like me, so you know what I'm talking about.

Exhibit 3.1

This whole thing should make you very sad. I'm going to write a football recap.


Nebraska Cornhuskers

Basically, everyone was able to pretend it didn't matter that they had an entirely new defensive line and then the USC game started and, like children of divorce, we were no longer able to pretend some things didn't matter.

I'm not going to call for Kevin Cosgrove's head or anything. I don't know what it was, but it seems unlikely it was entirely his fault. Everyone on defense looked bad, but it's important to remember that this team wasn't winning a national championship anyway. The only way they are getting to a BCS bowl is to win the Big XII Championship which is just as possible today as it was Saturday afternoon.

If this seems like a rational assessment, believe me, it is only because I've had time to internalize it after several phone calls from my friend Ryan which began with sentences like, "We're never winning a national championship again." Sigh. It may be true.


Miami Dolphins

Have watched both games in a bar now. The totals:

Victories seen: 0
New friends accidentally made: 1
Trent Green passes where I cringed as it left his hand: 15
Good Ronnie Brown runs: 3
Good Jessie Chatman runs: 4 (um, as the backup that number should either be lower or Ronnie's should be higher. Hell, they both should be higher).
Cam Cameron's names: 1
Realistic predictions of wins this season: 5
Times I have excitedly clapped after a routine play: 4 (this number is usual much higher)
Times Heather has asked "Is he supposed to do that?": 10
Times the player was, in fact, not supposed to do that: 10


If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team

2-0 and in first place by a fair margin. I never thought I'd say it, but I was legitimately panicking when Eli Manning got hurt. He's like a buddy I drunkenly picked a fight with at night only to need to borrow his car in the morning. I'm sorry, Eli, I'm sorry. We're cool. I'll put some gas in the tank.

Otherwise, this team is powered by the unstoppable juggernaut that is Randy Moss. He's like Superman only if Superman had a lingering hamstring problem and sometimes said things like, "I don't need to save everyone. I just have to save people when it counts." In case it wasn't clear, I'm not quite ready to feel okay about Randy Moss.

Oh, and due to the Eli Manning injury, I had to start Trent Green this week. Rooting for the real Trent Green and fantasy Trent Green at the same time is a little like voting for a Green Party candidate in a local election. You do it. You don't feel good about it. You know how it's going to end.


The Lincoln Hawks

1-1 and somewhere in the middle of the pack. Week one was ugly, but week two went well. This team is a bit of an enigma thanks to Steven Jackson's slow start. If he turns it around, it's easy to see this team begin to roll. If not, they'll probably hang around the middle and need some lucky breaks to make the playoffs.

Speaking of Steven Jackson, I think he needs to start going by "Steve Jackson" to turn this thing around. Let's face it, it just sounds tougher. Steve Jackson sounds like a guy in the Hall of Fame. Steven Jackson sounds like a guy I went to a Weezer concert with. There is precedent here. Thomas Jane changed his name to Tom Jane and became the biggest movie star in the world.

You know, Tom Jane. The guy from The Punisher. No, not the Dolph Lundgren one. Tom Jane, biggest movie star in the world? No?

Actually, Mr. Jackson, Steven will be fine.

Exhibit 2.6

So I might have had another fantasy football draft last night. You know, I could be reading poetry if anyone would recommend a book, but instead I'm getting pulled deeper into the depravity and moral decay that is fantasy football. This, my second and final team, came off about as well as my last:

If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team

First Round - Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco. Why Frank Gore dropped to the ninth pick, I'll never know. Ecstatic doesn't begin to describe how I felt about it. I didn't even let myself believe he might drop to me, I just waited out pick after pick until the guy before me took Rudi Johnson (Rudi Johnson!). I meekly said Gore's name, expecting someone to tell me that Gore had been in a car accident or was attacked by Joey Porter's dogs. As far as I know, he's still alive. Now Rudi Johnson on the other hand...

Second Round - Willis McGahee, RB, Baltimore. Who cares if I hated him on my team last year, he's in Baltimore now and if Jamal Lewis and his ankle bracelet can rush for 1,000 yards there than surely Willis can get 1,200. Good value at 16 too.

Third Round - Reggie Wayne, WR, Indianapolis. I don't care what anyone says, he's going to be better than Marvin Harrison one of these years. Here's hoping it's this one.

Fourth Round - Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego. I've never had him on my team before, and though there were higher guys on my board, they were all RBs and QBs that I didn't have any faith in (like, say, Matt Hasselbeck). Another good value pick. It's always nice to lock up the class of a position, and I'm essentially considering him a 4th WR.

Fifth Round - Randy Moss, WR, New England. A boom or bust pick, but another great value in my opinion. I mean, Chris Chambers was taken ahead of him. I love Chris, but I'll take my chances with my man, Randy, thanks.

Sixth Round - Jamal Lewis, RB, Cleveland. Never mind that I just made a joke about him. He had no business being available at this pick considering he starts on a team without any other RBs to steal carries from him. Sure, he pretty much runs with a limp, has a bad attitude, and I hated him on my team last year, but I'll take him as a backup over some of the scrubs that were getting selected before him.

Seventh Round - Jerious Norwood, RB, Atlanta. And here's where the draft goes downhill for awhile. I tried to pick a QB here, but somehow forgot to cross Jay Cutler off my sheet, leading to me selecting him after he was gone (a total faux pas). In my panic, I just grabbed the highest guy left on my board, Mr. Norwood, who I later learned has some kind of mysterious stomach ailment. As my 4th RB, it's no big deal, but I probably should have gone WR or QB here rather than take value. For good and bad, the next best QB on my list was still available the next round...

Eighth Round - Eli Manning, QB, NYG. Did you know Eli has thrown for 24 touchdown passes the past two years? Did you know the Giants have a new offensive coordinator and will pass more without Tiki? Did you know Manning has looked great in the preseason? Um, yeah, it doesn't matter. Totally the weak link on my team, even if he does end up in the top 10 QBs (which he probably will).

Ninth Round - Santonio Holmes, WR, Pittsburgh. I'm predicting big things this year. Another boom or bust guy, but the WRs on my bench behind him are possession guys, so if he falters I'll at least have some consistency to plug in. Maybe.

Tenth Round - Ladell Betts, RB, Washington. Ah, me and LaDell Betts. Good times. I'm glad we're back together. (By the way, someone took Clinton Portis--who starts ahead of LaDell--early in the second round and then refused to take LaDell for some reason, which is where I stepped in to end his freefall. Instead the owner went with guys like Brandon Marshall and Anthony Thomas. Um, LaDell Betts is going to end the season with more points than Portis. He just is. We all know it. Even if not, why wouldn't you take him ahead of Anthony Thomas who is the backup RB on a different team?)

Rounds 11-15 - Ronald Curry, WR; Marty Booker, WR; Jaguars D; Jason Campbell, QB; Josh Brown, K.

So my team is:

QB - Eli Manning
RB - Frank Gore

RB - Willis McGahee

WR - Reggie Wayne

WR - Randy Moss

WR - Santonio Holmes

TE - Antonio Gates

K - Josh Brown

Def - Jacksonville

BN - Jamal Lewis, Jerious Norwood, Ladell Betts, Ronald Curry, Marty Booker, and Jason Campbell.

My QBs are the weak link, and no matter how many things I read about Eli Manning actually being underrated for fantasy, I still don't feel good about it. Even though personalities don't matter here, I still can't help but think his wooden smirk is going to derail my team somehow.

Still, 'If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team' actually turned out pretty great. I don't think my team is the presumptive favorite, but it's definitely playoff caliber. Hopefully I can trade Ladell Betts for a heart to give Eli Manning.