Exhibit 1.3.7

Things

Mostly self-aggrandizing, sadly. But this way it's all in one place so you know where to look. Everywhere else.

* The new issue of Pank is up, and I've got a few pieces from my Sire [on]Line project in it. These are Michael Jackson, Bono, and Ghost Ronald Regan and they're mostly notable for involving one person who wrote "Billie Jean," one person who is a ghost, and one person who is not, in fact, an American.

* Quick thoughts on Thor: entertaining though I share Jon Favreau's concern that it completely destroys the rules by which his Iron Man movies were working and makes the upcoming Avengers movie seem impossibly broad. I mean, one guy is a Norse God and another guy is just really good at shooting arrows? Notably, this is the only concern I share with Mikey. I mean, we are talking about a series of films that are basically Robot Jox with better effects. He'll get over it.

* In the new The Reprint from Zine-Scene an old short-short of mine that was originally in The Southeast Review gets rewritten by the always amazing Kevin Wilson (whose upcoming novel I want to steal from heaven or wherever it's currently kept). Honored, impressed, excited, etc. Be sure to check it out.

* Sigh.

* So if you go to the new Collagist, you'll see a lot of great stuff, not least of which is Mathias's first short story, some poems by Houston-ite Russel Swensen, and a couple of great excerpts from forthcoming books. You'll also see that [SPOILER ALERT] by Laura Eve and myself won their chapbook competition. This was an accident done mostly to prevent the winner of the Collagist contest from also winning The Cupboard's contest. Unfortunately, we also won our own contest. I blame Dave and em for their lax rules.

* Joking. Cupboard contest results soon. Seriously though, I don't want to be the Jake W. Apple of the chapbook scene. I've been embarrassed into retirement.

* If you want a [SA] preview, check out the new Sixth Finch which has one and a lot of other great work up. Do it. It's not intentionally themed or anything--I don't think--but a lot of it is wonderfully apocalyptic.

* Speaking of the apocalypse, we must be about ready for another one because Jon Pack Approves or Disapproves is updating again. I love Jon Pack despite his disapproval of dipping sauce.

Exhibit 1.3.6

Foul Weather

The Weather Stations by Ryan Call from Caketrain

Despite all the tornadoes and hurricanes and tsunamis of the last few years, Call's book is a shocking reminder that even more terrible things might be coming. Wind that kills, lightning that maims, sky that crumbles--the stories here aren't post-apocalyptic, they're simply apocalyptic. Worse, they're powerfully personal. So often in lesser work a story's heart shrinks as the disaster increases, but here the tragedies are always human ones. The weather here produces not destruction but terror, and it's not on insubstantial difference. You don't feel like the author is a child kicking over an anthill--he's the ant.

I was able to read this entire book on the plane yesterday which I both recommend and warn you against. Recommend because it's a great read that keeps the clouds moving quickly. Warn because this book tells you those clouds are trying to kill you and it's impossible not to believe it. Those. Clouds. Are. Trying. To. Kill. You. I honestly didn't think we were ever going to land and when we did, just a minute after I finished the last story, I was shocked when we all didn't burst into applause out of wonder for our pilot. You know it's a great book when it can re-mystify the commonplace.

And that's what impressed me most as I turned the pages and the plane rocked slightly in the air. I didn't want to land because I didn't want to leave the book's world. At that moment, we could have just floated away.

Exhibit 1.3.5

Recycled Content

So I have no car and I'm pretty sure I'm dying, but that didn't stop Laura Eve and I from live tweeting Star Wars: A New Hope. Here it is, the laziest blog post yet from a guy who sometimes just posts pictures of his dog.



* Going to live-tweet Star Wars with @hoostown. I recommend you unfollow me now just like the Rebel Alliance unfollowed Emperor Palpatine.

* Laura Eve guest tweet: Live-tweeting Star Wars with @AdamWPeterson instead of working on my fan fiction piece, "What If Luke Had Picked Up Those Power Converters." *

* Instead of "A New Hope," Lucas should have changed the subtitle to "Star Wars: A PowerPoint with Robots."

* O really, Luke, "sand people are the worst?" Might be time to turn off the Fox News.

* When Alec Guinness says "evil" it has 8 syllables and takes 18 seconds. Usually he's not even done saying it when he has to say it again.

* "We don't serve their kind here." Tatooine is all racists and scrap yards. It's the Mississippi of the Star Wars universe.

* For a decade I've been trying to work "I find your lack of Faith Evans disturbing." into a casual conversation. Preferably on a date.

* I just created my own Star Wars special edition. For about 15 minutes while they're in hyperspace, the movie becomes Rush videos on YouTube.

* I will now live-tweet this Jell-O mousse cup I took a chance on at the supermarket: heavy pudding.

* I'm not saying Darth Vader is a micromanager, but I'm pretty sure he sewed the Death Star's curtains.

* Of course the garbage monster on the Death Star has a name. Also, a backstory. Also, the worst slash fiction ever. http://bit.ly/cB1dpE

* The Storm Trooper training manual includes only one rule: always say "Blast 'Em" before shooting. It's like the Empire's Miranda rights.

* Did Obi Wan really follow through on becoming more powerful after his death? Seems like he sort of just died. Same question, Jesus.

* Despite the planet-destroying starship one guy with a bo staff guards the Rebel base. Still, that system did keep my parents out of my room.

* Luke is a cocky pilot for someone who let C-3PO drive earlier. Vader lost to a guy who throws the keys to a talking little league trophy.

* Laura Eve guest tweet: Luke & Leia making eyes at each other but still not hooking up at the end of the movie makes a pretty good argument for waiting. *

And Star Wars is over. I look forward to going back and revising these tweets with new special effects in 2027. [screen wipe]

Exhibit 1.3.4

This Happened

My photo. I call it: A Trailblazer on Its Side After Striking My Parked Car Illuminated by 3:00am Police Lights

Not pictured:

1) The driver and his passenger who, uh, ran, apparently
2) My totalled car
3) Me, still sort of asleep, asking the police officer if I could just have the car they left behind
4) Helpful neighbors all introducing themselves and shaking hands as they watched, possibly plotting future barbeques
5) Me, slightly less asleep, saying, No, really, let's just flip it over and I'll take it

Exhibit 1.3.3

This Exists



And you need to know about it. Look, I know it's my fault for buying Pop-Tarts in the first place, and maybe I was wrong to expect so much of the good folks at Kellogg's, but this crosses a line.

I don't want to say anything controversial here, but I strongly believe this is worse than manslaughter.

My favorite part can't even be seen here which is that the recipe--O, yes, there's a real recipe on the inside of the box, in case you couldn't figure it out from the picture in the moments before you had to look away--liberally uses the word 'carefully.' You are to carefully spread the marshmallow creme. Also the peanut better. Then you are to sprinkle the "candy-coated chocolate pieces"--carefully--before carefully transferring to a wire rack.

They were trying to warn us.