Exhibit 3.1

This whole thing should make you very sad. I'm going to write a football recap.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

Basically, everyone was able to pretend it didn't matter that they had an entirely new defensive line and then the USC game started and, like children of divorce, we were no longer able to pretend some things didn't matter.

I'm not going to call for Kevin Cosgrove's head or anything. I don't know what it was, but it seems unlikely it was entirely his fault. Everyone on defense looked bad, but it's important to remember that this team wasn't winning a national championship anyway. The only way they are getting to a BCS bowl is to win the Big XII Championship which is just as possible today as it was Saturday afternoon.

If this seems like a rational assessment, believe me, it is only because I've had time to internalize it after several phone calls from my friend Ryan which began with sentences like, "We're never winning a national championship again." Sigh. It may be true.

Miami Dolphins

Have watched both games in a bar now. The totals:

Victories seen: 0
New friends accidentally made: 1
Trent Green passes where I cringed as it left his hand: 15
Good Ronnie Brown runs: 3
Good Jessie Chatman runs: 4 (um, as the backup that number should either be lower or Ronnie's should be higher. Hell, they both should be higher).
Cam Cameron's names: 1
Realistic predictions of wins this season: 5
Times I have excitedly clapped after a routine play: 4 (this number is usual much higher)
Times Heather has asked "Is he supposed to do that?": 10
Times the player was, in fact, not supposed to do that: 10

If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team

2-0 and in first place by a fair margin. I never thought I'd say it, but I was legitimately panicking when Eli Manning got hurt. He's like a buddy I drunkenly picked a fight with at night only to need to borrow his car in the morning. I'm sorry, Eli, I'm sorry. We're cool. I'll put some gas in the tank.

Otherwise, this team is powered by the unstoppable juggernaut that is Randy Moss. He's like Superman only if Superman had a lingering hamstring problem and sometimes said things like, "I don't need to save everyone. I just have to save people when it counts." In case it wasn't clear, I'm not quite ready to feel okay about Randy Moss.

Oh, and due to the Eli Manning injury, I had to start Trent Green this week. Rooting for the real Trent Green and fantasy Trent Green at the same time is a little like voting for a Green Party candidate in a local election. You do it. You don't feel good about it. You know how it's going to end.

The Lincoln Hawks

1-1 and somewhere in the middle of the pack. Week one was ugly, but week two went well. This team is a bit of an enigma thanks to Steven Jackson's slow start. If he turns it around, it's easy to see this team begin to roll. If not, they'll probably hang around the middle and need some lucky breaks to make the playoffs.

Speaking of Steven Jackson, I think he needs to start going by "Steve Jackson" to turn this thing around. Let's face it, it just sounds tougher. Steve Jackson sounds like a guy in the Hall of Fame. Steven Jackson sounds like a guy I went to a Weezer concert with. There is precedent here. Thomas Jane changed his name to Tom Jane and became the biggest movie star in the world.

You know, Tom Jane. The guy from The Punisher. No, not the Dolph Lundgren one. Tom Jane, biggest movie star in the world? No?

Actually, Mr. Jackson, Steven will be fine.

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