Exhibit 22.4

Links

* This is just crazy. Unless you previously thought you were god and distinctly remember having created the world last Thursday. In which case, no, it is not at all crazy. Regardless, it is fairly awesome.
* Carlin has his sports blog, The Realness Hurts, up and running again. It's possible I might relegate any sports thoughts to that venue. And by possible I mean almost a certainty. I think I have a Royals season review in me and then about 7,900 words I want to write about Tim Tebow and concussions that will probably end up over there. The possibilities are endless for that site.
* Speaking of sports, there was a really nice Times article on a school Ted Ginn Sr. runs for at-risk youth in Cleveland. I bet all of those Dolphins fans feel bad for booing when Cam Cameron announced the selection of the Ted Ginn family. Turns out the Ted Ginn family is fairly awesome.

* No, seriously, everyone bought Naca and Zach's books, right?

* I guess they printed more of these. I'm sorry. You should follow the lead of whomever bought that awesome sounding book on Poe and Lacan and choose wisely.

Exhibit 14.5

.5625way Through the Season Football Recap

Miami Dolphins (5-4, 3rd Place)
So it occurred to me a few weeks ago that I hadn't written anything about this football season, but since the Dolphins were doing so well, I didn't want to jinx them just to express thoughts like "They rox! OMG!" or "Woot! Is that how you do it? Oh, with zeroes. w00t. No, I don't like it that way." Well, they've only won more in the meantime and find themselves in the race for the playoffs so I think I'm probably safe to say, "Fist bumps, yeah! The Phins pown wooT 4 r34l! Killer fist bump!"

Now you know why I keep getting kicked out of the Old Chicago.

Anyway, Bill Parcells and his elementary-school-teacher-or-Gloop-Gleep-or-Russian-nested-doll-esque body type have completely revitalized the franchise as well as my not-at-all-real interest in l33t speak. In case you were unaware, this team went 1-15 last season. Each win they get adds a full 100% to how much better they are than last year. Yeah, things were looking grim but then...

MVP - Bill Parcells. There's a lot of competition for this spot (i.e. Tony Sparano, Joey Porter, and Chad Pennington) but none of those guys would be in Miami or a position to succeed without the change in attitude brought by Bill "Body Type of a Structurally Unsound Snowman " Parcells. It's weird how much I didn't care about this guy a year ago but now think he's one of the greatest football minds of all time. I don't think I've linked to it before, but right after the Dolphins hired Parcells, I happened to read this essay by Michael Lewis (Moneyball) and it really turned me around on him. If you have any interest in Parcells, football, coaching, or learning how to have a deeply unsatisfying personal life while achieving great success in your career, I highly recommend it.

LVP - Ernest Wilford. It's not a good sign when people are saying things like, "Maybe we should take our expensive free agent receiver and make him a tight end." If you didn't understand that, just imagine that you were hired to be a surgeon but after leaving a few dead patients on the table, they decided you'd be better off as the table.


The Ginn Family (7-3, 1st Place)
But it's a very tenuous 1st place. So tenuous that I'm 7th in points scored. In other words, I owe my position entirely to the vagaries of the schedule and am by no means the favorite to win the playoffs. Still, my goal at this point is the regular season title and with a full game lead with three to play, it's possible.

(Completely unrelated tangent: I was listening to The National on someone's iTunes and when the album finished the next song was "Hip Hop Hooray" by Naughty by Nature. I listened to the entire 4:30 song and half of Neil Diamond's "Forever in Blue Jeans" before I figured out what had happened. These are the things I want to tell you about at the Old Chicago).

MVP - Roddy White, WR, Atlanta Falcons. I saved my number one waiver wire position for a few weeks waiting for someone to drop a marquee player. It was definitely worth the wait.

LVP - Willie Parker, RB, Pittsburgh Steelers. But only because his body appears to be made of that white modeling clay you bake. Otherwise he's great.


Bill Parcells' Lonely Nautilus Machine (5-5, 6th Place)
This team has been as unlucky as The Ginn Family has been lucky, and it's starting to take its toll. Most of the time I spend thinking about this team I'm trying to decide if I made the right call to forgo the 's' after the apostrophe. Now, usually I'm a fan, but somehow it just looked wrong as as a title so I left it behind like Kirk Cameron.

Maybe that's where the wheels started to come off.

MVP - Oh, I don't know, every player on my team has been just inconsistent enough to help me lose. Let's say Frank Gore, RB, 49ers. He's good.

LVP - Ben Roethlisberger, QB, Steelers. Or maybe I just hate the Steelers. Yeah, that's probably it.

Exhibit 11.27

So it's that time of year again where I embarrass myself by not only admitting that I play fantasy football but reveling in it to the point where I write about here while everyone I know and love politely stares at the ceiling and whistles as they wait for the moment to pass. Well, I don't care. I like it. No, sometimes I don't know why either.

Draft Recap

The Ginn Family

No, that is not Ted Ginn's actual family, but I couldn't find a picture of them. As always, stock photography saved me. If you don't get the reference, you can check out this painful memory here. And here. And here.

Incidentally, I now love Ted Ginn Jr. How much? We'll see.

This is the same league that the much better named Lincoln Hawks were in last year if you're curious. This year the league has expanded to 14 teams which should mean a thinner talent pool overall, an interesting development in a league that only has two bench spots per team. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Congratulations on making someone's team, Selvin Young. You don't have to wait for an injury this year. At least in fake football. Real football? Um, I wouldn't buy that condo in Denver just yet.

I had the ninth pick, and the draft snakes so I got 9, 20, 37, 48, 65, etc.

First Round - Marshawn Lynch, RB, Buffalo Bills. This offseason, Marshawn hit someone with his car and then lied to the police about being the driver. He also has gold and diamond caps on his teeth. Basically, now that Tim Russert's dead, he's pretty much the toughest guy in Buffalo. After the debacle of my passionless team last season, I need a little bit more Barksdale and a little less Bubbles on my roster. On a more serious note, it would not surprise me at all if he leads the league in rushing this season.

Second Round - Reggie Wayne, WR, Indianopolis Colts. I thoroughly enjoyed having him on my team last season and wanted to sign up for another round. Also, he's from New Orleans and, according to an article I once read, got such good hands by catching rocks as a kid. Hey, Marshawn, I drafted you a friend.

Third Round - Willie Parker, RB, Pittsburgh. Simply the best value on the board at pick 37. Plus, his nickname, "Fast" Willie Parker, is a pre-name nickname which, among other things, makes it pretty awesome. If it's not clear, I'm not entirely sold on him, but if he does what he does last year, I'll be more than happy. He doesn't score touchdowns but neither do I and I'm okay with me.

Fourth Round - Torry Holt, WR, St. Louis. Maybe my favorite pick of the draft. Sure, his knees don't have any cartilage, but he's always great anyway and now he has Al Saunders back as his offensive coordinator! I know, I'm excited too. If it makes it easier, I can just point out that Lendale White went ahead of him and he's obese so...good pick.

Fifth Round - Tony Gonzalez, TE, Kansas City. I've never had him on my team before because for some reason I've always been really afraid of all Chiefs (their horrible quarterbacks). Still, he's remarkably consistent and a vegetarian. Him and Marshawn are going to have a lot to talk about as they drive (recklessly) to the farmer's market.

Sixth Round - Fred Taylor, RB, Jacksonville. Ugh.

Seventh Round - Donald Driver, WR, Green Bay. Ugh. These last two picks were all about value and consistency. Both were by far the best option at the time (I mean, a few true backups went before Taylor) but I doubt either will be on my team past week four because...

Eighth Round - Ricky Williams, RB, Miami. I love Ricky Williams this year (and every other year). Yes, he's single handily destroyed several Dolphins seasons by smoking pot and being generally eccentric, but he's an absolute monster. I really, really like Ricky Williams. He's everything I want in a football player except committed.

Ninth Round - Matt Schaub, QB, Houston. I don't know who he is either. I hope he's good.

Tenth Round - Ted Ginn Jr., WR, Miami. Namesake pick! Did I mention this league gives points for return yardage? And that Ted Ginn is the Dolphins number one receiver? And that guys like James Hardy were going at this point? And that he's had a monster preseason? And that Chad Pennington loves him? Sure, it's a homer pick, but I expect big things.

Eleventh Round - Indianapolis Defense. I don't know, whatever. Defenses get juggled in this league due to the short bench.

Twelfth Round - Ray Rice, RB, Baltimore. Picked solely under the hope that Willis McGahee (the guy starting in front of him) can't go week one and I get to trade him. If not, I'll drop him for the kicker. As with defenses, there's not a lot of holdover week to week for a lot of teams at the kicker position.

So in the end my team is:

QB: Matt Schaub
RB: Marshawn Lynch
RB: "Fast" Willie Parker
WR: Reggie Wayne
WR: Torry Holt
RB/WR: Ricky Williams
WR/TE: Donald Driver
TE: Tony Gonzalez
K:
Def: Indianapolis
BN: Ted Ginn Jr.
BN: Fred Taylor
BN: Ray Rice

That's a pretty salty team. What it lacks in a go-to guy, it should make up for with consistently great performances from Lynch, Parker, Holt, and Wayne. I think there's also some nice upside with Ginn and Williams who, as long as their car doesn't break down in front of a head shop in South Beach, should provide great value. If nothing else, I should know by Miami's early bye whether or not I need them.

Quarterback is the biggest concern, but I feel good about Schaub. Everyone loves Andre Johnson this year, and, if they're right, that means Schaub is getting things done. Even if he falters, I'll be able to pick up his backup, Sage "I Rent Myself Out for Parties" Rosenfels. We have a history.

Draft grade: B+