Exhibit 22.10

Rejected Halloween Costume Ideas

I actually don't really like the costume aspect of Halloween all that much, but I feel like I have to at least try. This year's rejected possibilities:

* Zombie Updike - I really just wanted to carry around a book that said Brains, Rabbit Brains. Too soon.

* Carcetti - Man, I would be such an awesome Carcetti, but informal polling suggests no one knows who Carcetti is which, frankly, is just sad. The only one of my students who'd heard of The Wire said, You watch BET? and then everyone laughed.

* Snoop - Man, I would be such a terrible Snoop. Still, I would love nothing more than to try to replicate this conversation. It might get a little awkward when children come to the door and I ask them about nail guns.

* Lego Guy - I'm pretty sure this has been my dream costume since I was 8. Unfortunately, I lack several of the necessary elements to make it happen. A red sweatshirt for one.

* One of the Jonas Brothers - This is what my students suggested for me. At the time I thought they just figured all white people looked the same but now it seems clear that I probably could pull off 2.5 out of the 3 which upsets me quite a bit. I don't even really know who the Jonas Brothers are. I watch BET, damnit.

* The businessman from the cover of Aerobiz - Because at first no one would get it then they'd see me holding a phone and yell, Like the businessman from the cover of Aerobiz! Okay, that would never happen.

Exhibit 13.23

Here's what makes for an awkward elevator ride: Start on the top floor of a building, hit the button for an elevator, and wait. When the elevator doors beep open, walk toward it. Stop. There is a person in the elevator. Pause so they can get off. It's the top floor of the building, after all, so they must be getting off. Stop. They aren't getting off.

Walk onto the elevator while staring at them accusingly. Notice that none of the buttons in the elevator have been pushed. Pause so they can explain why they took the elevator to the top of the building but are now refusing to leave it. Watch as they look bored and upset as you reach across them to hit the button, as if this is ruining their otherwise very pleasant elevator ride. Consider asking them why they are on the elevator as you being your descent. Meet their eyes and try to stare the truth out of them. Give up when it's clear their will is stronger. Stop. Prepare to exit the elevator. Pause to let them go first out of politeness. When they don't exit, resist the temptation to yell, O, come on, what's going on with you, you creepy bastard? Walk out of the elevator to a life that now knows mystery.

Incidentally, if you see me later today and it doesn't look like I have a costume, know that I'm dressed as The Person Who Wouldn't Leave The Elevator. This will be the case today and for the rest of my life.

Exhibit 5.9

Earlier tonight a woman called my phone and left a breathless message saying she really needed Madison's costume. Unsure of what to do with this information, I got out some fabric and cardboard and sparkles and glue. I hope Madison likes turtles. Sparkly turtles.