Exhibit 1.2.3

Letter to an American Farmer: Shut Up

I can't say I ever had to read much colonial history in the past, but I've had to delve into a bit of it while studying the American Gothic. I've realized this: colonial Americans are the worst people to have ever existed at any time in the history (and presumably in the future) of this planet.

Here's what's wrong with them:

* They had names like Cotton and Prudence.

* Their definition of virtue seems to be basically don't act too smart or be poor or be Indian or die suddenly. If you do any of those things, you're a jerk.

* They believed moles and warts were for suckling the devil.

(This brings me to my theory that what happened to Enrique Iglesias's face was that he accidentally danced into a wormhole that took him back in time to the Massachusetts Bay Colony and the only way to avoid a good drowning was to remove his mole and call himself Prudence. It's a new theory).

* Whale oil doesn't make sense. You just boil whale and it turns into whale oil? Do all parts of whale produce oil equally? What do you even use it for in a pre-mechanical time? It's just weird, like if you boiled Ben Roethlisberger you'd get a big barrel of quarterback oil women would dab on their necks. Well, probably not women. Maybe you could trade it for some sleazy molasses though.

* And I think this is the heart of it: they seemed really bored. It's not exactly shocking when you read about all the housewives having been on opium because the alternative seemed to be to hang around the meeting house pondering where exactly your neighbors were hiding their devil teat.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

The best part is that Massachusetts still has lots of laws from more or less that time period on the books.

Most liberal state my ass.