Exhibit 12.6

Fantasy Football Draft Recap

Sigh. I know, I'm bored too.

Bill Parcells' Lonely Nautilus Machine

That's the logo, and it might not make sense until you see this picture:

Everybody got it now? Good. Look, just because the man has the same body type as my elderly 1st grade teacher isn't any reason not to have complete and total faith in him this year.

(UPDATE: Damnit, I just looked to find a link in an old post and realized I made a much funnier joke last year when I said Bill Parcells has the body type of Gloop and Gleep from The Herculoids. This tells us a few things:

1) I'm slipping
2) Bill Parcells' body type is a subject of ongoing fascination for me
3) If my old first grade teacher Ms. Summers is...
-a) alive
-b) reading this blog
-c) an expert on The Herculoids
...she's probably feeling insulted right now).

I actually named the team this because I really like the sad, darkened Nautilus photo. Why that can't be a mascot for a team somewhere, I don't know. Incidentally, the OKC basketball team just announced Thunder as their team name and introduced an absurdly generic blue, orange, and yellow logo. Um, let's all forget I ever thought about taking an interest in them specifically or basketball generally.

This team is in the same league as If Mandy Patinkin Was A Fantasy Football Team was last year and while the name is less than satisfactorily cumbersome, it still can't reasonably be said outloud so I think I did my job. I had the last pick in the draft so I drafted 12, 13, 36, 37, etc. which is a position I don't think I'd ever been in before and hope never to be in again.

First Round - Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco. I hate him this year, but the first 11 picks went exactly as expected and it was either Gore and Owens or Owens and Wayne. Wouldn't have been the end of the world, I suppose, but I do think Gore has some value going this low. I actually feel pretty good about him since I've taken him. Probably for the same reason that I eventually got excited about John Kerry. Incidentally, this will likely end about as well.

Second Round - Terrell Owens, WR, Dallas. I've never had him on a team before and he's all they've got. I'm thinking a lot of catches here. I briefly considered his QB (Romo) before I remembered that meant I might have to take an interest in Jessica Simpson. As the cancellation of Newlyweds after her divorce made me aware of the disappointments that life brought, I just don't think I could do it.

Third Round - Jamal Lewis, RB, Cleveland. If you're following along at home, you may have noticed that these are the same two running backs that my team had last year. It worked out okay then, plus I got to make a joke about prison at the draft for the second consecutive year. So all and all, a win. Also good value, a key when drafting with back to back picks which I forgot...

Fourth Round - Ben Roethlisberger, QB, Pittsburgh. ...here. A bit of a panic pick since QBs were going fast (Brady went 2nd). Still, not good value especially since I spent the next fifteen minutes trying to spell his name correctly on the sheet that I keep track of picks with. Not an auspicious debut for Ben and I.

Fifth Round - Tony Gonzalez, TE, Kansas City. Let's just ignore the fact that both of my teams rely on this guy and that Tony's QB could be beat out by Devon Sawa from Little Giants. Another panic pick. In my defense, tight ends were going fast and I hated all of the WRs being taken around here just like I did in the fourth round when I was one pick from Brandon Marshall (and two from Santonio Holmes) yet the next guy who went was Welker. Oh, wait, I should have taken Welker. I hate me.

Sixth Round - Laveranues Coles, WR, New York (Jets). He hates his QB. He has a mysterious nagging injury. He feels like he's been disrespected by his team. His team feels like he's being a baby. Otherwise he's great.

Seventh Round - Joey Galloway, WR, Tampa Bay. I love Joey Galloway, nobody ever sees him coming. By the way, he's still one of the fastest guys in the league at 36. I guess what I'm saying is, I hope he and Dara Torres have a baby and then find a way to market the stem cells to the general public. (Too much? Yeah, probably too much).

Eighth Round - Ronnie Brown, RB, Miami. I didn't want him but this was the 85th pick. That's dumb low for him even considering...

Ninth Round- Ricky Williams, RB, Miami. Wow. Didn't see that one coming did you. Look, nobody knew this team at this draft more than me. There are three ways this works out: 1) All season long it's more or less a timeshare but a predictable one like Jax, 2) Ricky starts early until Brown is healthy at which point they switch, or 3) One gets hurt and the other takes over. I'll be happy with any of those scenarios though 2 & 3 are the most likely.

Tenth Round - Matt Shaub, QB, Houston. Still no idea who he is. I hope he's good at whatever he does.

Eleventh Round - Antwaan Randle El, WR, Washington. At this point I've realized my WRs are weak so I go with an upside pick. By the way, I initially spelled two out of his three names wrong when I typed that just now. See, and you thought this wasn't fun.

Twelfth Round - Who cares. Some dude. Quick thoughts on McCain speech: Fine but absurdly boring. Now that the convention is over it might be a really promising next week for the Republicans followed by a long period of trouble since Palin is (by all accounts) going in the bunker while the Democrats continue to work their ground game. Does the enthusiasm hold if it's only McCain out there?

Thirteenth Round - Devin Hester, WR, Chicago. Again, another upside pick.

Fourteenth Round - Kicker Kickerson, K, Kickersville.

Fifteenth Round - Baltimore D. I have subsequently dropped them for the Bengals on the hopes Joe Flacco (the rookie QB they face in week one) acts like a guy who couldn't cut it at Pitt, played ball at Delaware, and then stupidly got put in an NFL game. What's that you say? That's exactly the situation. Ah, right. Bet the under people.

So my team looks like this:

QB - Ben Roethlisberger
RB - Frank Gore
RB - Jamal Lewis
WR - Terrell Owens
WR - Laveranues Coles
WR - Joey Galloway
TE - Tony Gonzalez
K - Adam Vinatieri
Def - Cincinnati Bengals (but only for week one)

BN - Ronnie Brown
BN - Ricky Williams
BN - Matt Schaub
BN - Antwaan Randle El
BN - Devin Hester
BN - Ray Rice

I actually like this team a bit more now than I did while drafting it (I was possibly just bummed out because I picked a team full of guys with names I couldn't spell). I feel like despite ending up with the 12th pick that I have a team of solid performers with a few highlights. I love Brown and Williams on the bench though I'm trading Williams if he starts the season hot (he will). My receivers are obviously the weakest link but I think that's partly because Galloway and Coles are the sneaky sort of players that always end up with 1,000 yards and 8 TDs at the end of the year and no one is quite sure how. That's not going to be comforting if I can't swing a trade, but I'll deal with that then.

Draft Grade: C


Dusty said...

Big Ben!

Oh, and Strunk and White dictates that your team name be Bill Parcells's Lonely Nautilus Machine, though you of course are free to say F-U to either Strunk or White.

Although White did write Charlotte's Web and who are you to be so callous?

A. Peterson said...

I always add the 's' in writing, but I thought long and hard about it in the team name and just decided it didn't look good in a header. My grammar is nothing if not flexible.

Yeah, eff Strunk. Who's that dude anyway?

jasonberlin.com said...

Goddamn, that machine is lonely.