Showing posts with label Cricket. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cricket. Show all posts

9.22.2012

Exhibit 1.5.24

A Primer on the Rules of Cricket, Pt. 6


51. God's spilt tea--or "rain"--shall cause a cessation of play known as a nilly. Refreshments of no less than one banger a man shall be served until play resumes after consultation with the hygrometer. Should the field be of sufficient antiquity so as to lack a hygrometer, an expedition shall be undertaken to recover its treasure for the National Museum.

52. After consultation with the Worshipful Company of Cordwainers, all players shall relinquish their bootery and take up the plimsoll.

53. Players having bowlen with THE DEVIL'S HAND sacrifice to the Rector one MALE CHILD for each accursed throw with gibbleys awarded to the Godly team in the form of a reliquary brought by one FEMALE CHILD. Should the condemned player lack the children or the means of producing them before the hour of the hanging, street urchins shall be lured to the grounds with food until they are no longer required or the demonic team expires its muffins.

54. Per decree, the game shall henceforth be known as Pope's Chess. 


55. Befallen by shipwreck, any able-bodied man washed ashore must set about constructing a pitch for the challengement of any cannibal natives who shall be given two score minutes for the memorization of these rules, formation of a team, and the preparation of adequate bangers to be served in event of a nilly. The winning seaman shall claim all land and monsters on behalf of the crown. The losing seaman shall no longer be welcomed at Diameter Society in the event he returns uneaten, having lost something even more valuable in his civility.

56. As there shall be no sunset there shall be no gloaming and any player, official, or groundling who remarks upon it shall have the choice between forfeiting their wit or eyes.

57. In the event of each team ending week one with an equivalent number of quinces and gibbleys, the tie shall be broken by means of a knightly tournament proceeding in the North Newcloferwich manner, i.e. archery to melee.

58. Wesley, having proven himself a thorough woncer, shall no longer be allowed to play.

59. All beverages shall be served at a temperature of no less than four marks above a June Tuesday and failure to do so will result in the home team's use of Swede's Balls--or "ice"--with all subsequent dampening of their choler or other relevant humors a fair punishment.

60. Should a femalelady be discovered in the colors of a maleman, play shall cease and a council be convened in Ghent, of which any player is welcome to take part should they be able to procure passage and have grey in their beards. The remaining shall make CAMP on though grounds though not embark on any industry, taking meals from the charity of locals who will be expected to remain spectators until such time as the return of the Greybeards who shall by then have formed their own team to compete against the witch. Should they prevail, they have claim to challenge the Crown upon conclusion of the prior game.

1.15.2010

Exhibit 23.20

A Primer on the Rules of Cricket, Pt. 2


11. In the event of a wide, a run shall be scored to the batsman's team but not the batsman. This run shall be called a holly or a bosh depending upon local playing conditions.

12. Should play be interrupted by the flight of a sparrow, time shall be given for gazing before play is restarted and the hourglass is overturned.

13. It is given that the wicket-keep should keep the wickets throughout the nights of the match should his quarters prove suitable. Should they not prove suitable, the wicket-keep shall retire with the wickets in nearest suitable boarding house at the wicket's expense.

14. Henceforth, the Irish are allowed to play.

15. Balls shall weigh no more than a poussin and be no less in circumference than a school marm's apple.

16. Should a player wish to smoke a pipe they may do so with the affectations of a bannister on the condition they maintain good cheer with their fellows by offering their tobacco.

17. A captain shall be elected from each side and from among the gentlemen observers. These captains shall, in the event of a tie or jig, determine the winner of the match through conference. Should the observers prevail, each shall be awarded their share of the biscuits upon retiring from the grounds.

18. Revision to rule 15 after adoption of metric standards of measure: Balls shall weigh no more than a poussin 163 grams and be no less in circumference than a school marm's apple 229mm.

19. In the event of a mystery, play should be stopped until the apprehension of the culprit with the assistance of the judge's bludgeon. Play shall then continue on in the manner of the last seen sparrow.

20. If a captain declares an innings closed, or forfeits an innings, or enforces the follow-on, and the other captain is prevented thereby from exercising his option of the rolling permitted (maximum 7 minutes), or if he is so prevented for any other reason, the extra time required to complete the rolling shall be taken out of the normal playing time.

1.04.2010

Exhibit 23.16

A Primer on the Rules of Cricket, Pt. 1


1. The batsman plays in front of the wicket facing away from but not in direct opposition to the porter who stands 18 paces from the edge of the bowl.

2. 6 deliveries is an over, 8 deliveries is a gallagher, 12 deliveries is a super over which is, naturally, frowned upon. The bowler is required to provide his own ball but not his own cap.

3. A series consists of 3 matches taking place daily over 5 days. If at the the end of the 5 days, a score has not been settled, a 'confusion' is called and the series is replayed beginning the second Wednesday following or the 12th of the month, whichever is further.

4. Should it begin to rain, the gully and the striker switch hats and call a huddle near their respective team's basket. Host country is required to provide umbrellas and pudding.

5. Each team is allowed 11 players and it is required that at least one of those players be a referee who, in coordination with the other team's referee and the head accountant, shall keep score and enforce the observation of the proceeding and postceeding rules.

6. At the conclusion of a series, there shall be the follies.

7. The pitch shall be kept to a length of no greater than 20 meters with the wicket capable of holding 2.5 liters of liquid the shape of which is to be determined by each side. Should wicket prove to be over or undersized by use of Water Measure then offending side is to have 8 jimmies deducted from their pre-dismissal gross.

8. Rule 5 applies only to test cricket and not to DRT cricket which allows for the use of 2 referees per side as determined qualified by the head accountant or otherwise gentlemanly onlooker.

9. During the lunch break youths no older than 10 may frolic on the grass provided they wear white and have the permission of their governess.

10. A batsman is out caught if a fielder catches the ball fully within the field of play without it bouncing once the ball has touched the striker's bat or glove holding the bat. If a batsman could be given out caught or by any other method except bowled, 'caught' takes precedence.