Exhibit 19.20

Creature Problems

A fly just flew into my coffee. And not like you might think, like the fly was cruising around the room, landed on the lip of the mug, and slowly worked its way too close to the liquid. Nope, this fly dive bombed right into the cup and went out with a tiny little splash, just like Goose. It was the oddest thing I'd ever seen an animal or insect do except:

A squirrel fell out of a tree in front of me yesterday. And not like you might think, like the squirrel was running around a low branch, jumped down, and ran off fine. Nope, this squirrel fell from a fairly high branch and landed with a thud on its back. Sure, like any teenager on a skateboard, it tried to play it off like whatever happened had happened on purpose, but in the brief moment the squirrel and I shared a look, it knew that I'd seen everything. It ran away--and I think did sort of a little ollie to try to retain some rodent-dignity--and got right back on that horse (by which I mean tree).

There's only one explanation for this convergence of events: in addition to this newfound interest in skateboarding lingo, my recent and much delayed puberty has given me the mutant power to confuse otherwise infallible* creatures with my very presence. This immediately makes me more interesting than anyone on the hit NBC drama Heroes.

*Okay, infallible outside of their respective failures to understand the concept of glass and to defeat the neighborhood birds. That said, who's to say any of us truly understand glass or aggressive sparrows.


jimStock said...

I can safely say, I understand glass. Aggressive sparrows? Well just ask residents of San Juan Capistrano. "But those are swallows!", you might say. Well swallows are close relatives of sparrows. You should be able to reasonably interpolate the conversation with that monk you will have.

WizardNeedFood said...

I once saw a cat commit suicide. It walked to the end of our driveway when I was a kid, looked both ways and then waited until the last possible second before dashing out in front of an SUV which then hit it and killed it. At first I was freaked out because I thought it was our cat, but once I realized it was some other asshole's cat I figured "who the hell cares about that stupid jerkface and their dumb fucking cat."

The End.

P.S. The word verification thing for this comment reads "coogr," which I am currently finding far funnier than I should.

carlinthemarlin said...

That comment was from me. A friend from out of town was staying here earlier this week and apparently at some point logged on to his blogger account without me realizing it.