Exhibit 5.17

I'm taking a break from being a shameless, shameless shill to update you on some recent sports developments: (in reverse order of importance)


Royals sign Ron Mahay!

If I told you that the Royals signed a 36-year-old left-handed situational reliever, how much would you guess they had to pay? If you said $5 million dollars, you're off by a full $3 million.

I swear to god, the fact that Ron Mahay gets $8 million dollars over the next two years is going to make me teach my child how to throw a curveball before he learn how to ride a bike. The worst part is that this can only be considered a good, slightly below market deal for the Royals. In fact, I'm all for it.

But, jesus, Ron Mahay? I mean, really? Mahay? $8 million?

This is the best day for a Mahay since Steve caught that fish that one time. Good for all of them, I say.


Royals sign Jose Guillen

Actually, scratch that about teaching my future son--let's call him Brautigan--to throw a curve. I'm teaching little Brautigan how to order HGH over the Internet with a prescription from a shady dentist in Florida. Contract: 3 years, $36 million.


If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team makes the finals.

It all comes down to this after a not particularly close match up against my archenemy. Now I'm playing the other conference's champ and need a big week to win it all. Let's take a look at the matchup: (his player first [and if you know nothing about fantasy, note that only the team's performance as a whole matters and not these particular matchups])

Team Name - Team Skeet Ulrich vs. If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team. Advantage: If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team. Still, strange we both named our teams after actors. I'm giving myself the advantage because I was first and my actor is better.

QB - Ben Roethlisberger vs. Sage Rosenfels. Advantage: Um, let's just say it's not Sage. Good god, I'm screwed. Ben has actually already played and had a great though not insurmountable performance. I'm playing Sage under the theory that the Colts will pull all of their starters in the second half (they have nothing left to play for). Oh, there's also the theory that Eli Manning is horrible (you hear that, Eli, it's over between us. For real this time. We tried to make it work.)

I know all I need is a respectable performance from Sage and he did fine for me last week, but I just can't feel good about this. This is where I lose.

RB - Fred Taylor vs. Wills McGahee. Advantage: Push. I actually prefer McGahee here slightly but Taylor has been great all month. Still, I don't really trust him and feel like he's do for a let down week as MJD steps up to carry more of the load. Oddly, my opponent originally had McGahee starting in this spot so we'd have the same guy going. If it were my call, I'd go McGahee because I think he's a better bet to score, but it's hard to sit a guy who rushed for 150 yards last week.

By the way, I may have just been making myself feel better right there. I stand by my hunch, but you should know the consensus says Taylor is probably a better play.

RB - Joseph Addai vs. Jamal Lewis. Advantage: Push. Again, I feel okay with this because I think Addai sits for awhile. Think about it, the Colts can't hurt or improve their playoff position. They have a young RB who isn't exactly a load carrier and has really slowed down since the middle of the season. They have backups they like and work in a lot anyway. Why would they play him at all? If I was the other team, I'd go with McGahee in this spot. I think Addai gets two series tops.

Still, I'm going with a push here because I don't want to jinx Lewis who has a fantastic matchup, is on a team playing for something, and is really hitting his stride. I can't believe I'm saying this about a convicted felon, but I'd trust Lewis with my fictional son Brautigan's life this week.

WR - Greg Jennings vs. Randy Moss. Advantage: Moss. Here's where my team starts to show it's strength. The other team has solid but streaky receivers. Jennings is good, but I'll take my chances with Mr. Moss.

WR - Steve Smith vs. Reggie Wayne. Advantage: Wayne. I'm pretty sure I'll take one half of Reggie Wayne catching passes from Peyton Manning over a full game of Steve Smith catching passes from Matt Moore (who, incidentally, I think I went to grade school with).

Here's a pretty good test for QBs: If you have a name like an Arena League player, you'll probably end up being an Arena League player. Marino, Elway, Farve, Romo, etc. all have great names. Matt Moore sounds like he should be MVP of the Sioux Falls Sidewinders.

WR - Reggie Williams vs. Santonio Holmes. Advantage: Holmes. Holmes has already played and scored a nice 18 points. I have a hard time seeing Williams matching that as he's only done it twice all season. He's a WR that needs to catch a TD to have any value. Here's hoping he doesn't.

TE - Vernon Davis vs. Antonio Gates. Advantage: Who knows? Gates would be the consensus pick as he's the best TE in the game, but he's been so flaky lately that it's hard to say which Gates is going to show up.

Vernon Davis on the other hand is possibly the greatest combination of size, speed, and flexibility since Bo Jackson. Except he's not very good at football. Seriously though, he looks great running in those Under Armour commercials.

K - Phil Dawson vs. Josh Brown. Advantage: Dawson. Not that it really matters.

Defense - New England (against, gulp, Miami) vs. Minnesota (against Washington). Advantage: New England. Both are great plays, honestly, but anytime you get a 14-0 team against a 1-13 team, you take that matchup if you can get it. Sigh. I want the Dolphins to win far more than I want to win this fantasy championship.


Dolphins hire Bill Parcells to head up football operations.

Let's ignore the fact that Bill Parcells leaves every job he takes. That he has the body type of Gloop and Gleep from The Herculoids. That he is 66 and has heart problems. That he's kind of a jerk.

The guy wins. Good hire.