Exhibit 16.22

What It's Like to Get an Email from Me

Perhaps because I want to use my new email tag again or maybe just to warn off anyone thinking of emailing me after yesterday's post, but I figured I'd give you a window into what it's like to get an email from me. It's probably exactly like you imagine. Let's say your email is something like this:

• To: Me
• From: You
• Subject: Hello
• Hey Adam I drove through Lincoln yesterday and thought of you. Sorry I couldn't stop. Let me know how things are going.
• Later,
• You

That's a pretty standard email. Here's how I would respond:

• To: You
• From: Me
• Subject: Well...
• The thing is, hmm, well, I don't really know what to say, I suppose I could go either way, but, O, wait, what about maybe, no, no, I don't think that will work at all.
• [sigh]
• Okay, I know--hold on a second--do you remember when (and I mean the first time here not the second time [although I guess that time sort of works too]), um, maybe that isn't a good example but, that said, we should probably just forget about everything.
• It's just that, I don't know, maybe it is okay. Fine. Yes, that's actually great. Whatever you decide works for me, etc.
• So good. We're good. Perfect. I feel good. How do you feel? I imagine good. Or something.
• Whatever happened with that disease you had? You're driving through Nebraska, so I guess things didn't go as bad as everyone thought they might, right?
• A.

I'm just trying to prepare you for disappointment. You know that, right? Etc.

Exhibit 16.4

Candy Bar Review: Pearson's Limited Edition Chocolate Nut Roll

It's been nearly 18 months since my last candy bar review which, appropriately, was of the non-chocolate covered nut roll. Clearly I am not doing enough to keep my finger on the nougaty pulse of candy bars, but the truth is that ever since my co-worker's daughters completed their 3-year Israeli Army Camp fundraising project, I haven't really had easy access to an affordable basket of candy bars.

Also, I decided the best candy bar was Hershey's 5th Avenue. There really wasn't any point in feigning an interest in candy bar criticism after tasting the winner. It'd be like continuing to hold the spelling bee after the kid with glasses enters. Sometimes you have to move on.

(Incidentally, one of my best and worst moments of the last 18 months was the night I was watching the Food Network at 2 a.m. and an episode of Unwrapped came on that showed how they make 5th Avenue bars. I was so happy I think I actually clapped when I saw it. Then of course I desperately wanted a 5th Avenue and was sad. I think I ended up settling for a can of mysterious mandarin oranges someone left at my house washed down with a long conversation with myself about getting my life together.

It now occurs to me you might have a more fulfilling personal life than I do and so are unfamiliar with Unwrapped. Basically, it's a show that glorifies that chemicals and machinery that make our favorite "foods." It's totally awesome. My favorite part is that they do these talking head interviews with people credited only as "[product name] Expert" even though they clearly work for the company being talked about as they always are A) using "we" as a pronoun, B) wearing clothes with the companies logo, and C) a little too knowledgeable about how many Hot Tamales are made in an hour.

I'd like to think host [and Ironic OCD sufferer] Marc Summers demands this so as maintain the maximum amount of objectivity. Or maybe they have an ombudsman).

So you can imagine my excitement when I went down to the first floor vending machines for a soda and noticed the white package of the Pearson's Limited Edition Chocolate Nut Roll.

What is this? I said to a woman buying a diet Pepsi.

Who, me? she said.

This white nut roll in the vending machine, I said, pointing.

What? she said.

I've never seen one of those before, I said, still sort of pointing.

Do you work here? she said.

Look, lady, don't ruin this for me, I said, my pointing finger having now enlisted my thumb to make a shape like I gun which I then pointed at the lady who was ruining it for me.

Okay, none of that happened. But I was excited. Very excited. Maybe I just live a sheltered life consisting of the Food Network and Marc Summers-related research projects, but I have never seen a chocolate-covered nut roll before. I'm not sure anyone else has either. There aren't any pictures of it online except for one tiny one on the Pearson's website (by the way, they're not hiring).

I'd like to think this review is going to be the definitive word on the subject.

But before I get to that, I'd like to say that I initially found it shocking that the bar contained 22% of my daily fat allowance. That seemed a little high until I saw that I also got 2% of my calcium (presumably from the cow teeth the white center is made out of) and decided it was a fair trade off. I will lower the amount of milk I put on tonight's Frosted Mini Wheats accordingly.

So how is the Pearson's Limited Edition Chocolate Nut Roll?

It's okay.

Exhibit 14.25

Medical services I might take advantage of in the coming benefit year because our new insurance company says I can:

*18 spinal manipulation visits
*60 days of nursing home care
*Oxygen
*Prosthetic devices up to $7,500
*Other manipulative therapies
*Elective sterilization
*Infertility diagnosis (you know, to make sure it took)
*Durable medical equipment (DME) up to $4,000

The next time you see me I'm going to be so much more oxygenated and sterile it's not even going to be funny.

Okay, the sterilization might be a little funny.

Exhibit 8.3

In honor of Drake University having made the NCAA tournament, I plan on doing some comparisons between them and their first round opponent, Western Kentucky University. This meeting of two college basketball powerhouses will surely go down in history as one of the least important things to ever happen in Tampa.

Biggest Rival

Creighton vs. Shingles

Winner: Just kidding.