Exhibit 1.4.23

The French

So I accidentally typed in the French address for Amazon.com (amazone.com, apparently) and this was the product splashed all over the homepage:


What exactly are they planning?

Exhibit 1.4.22

Thoughts on the Dolphins Firing Tony Sparano

Because I'm either going to tell you like this or I'm going to tell you when you want to talk about politics or books or something. It's better this way.

It's better this way, this firing. Sparano is a good guy, by all accounts, and a good coach by my estimation. He could be a great coach in the right situation. Will he ever get that chance again? I don't know. I sort of doubt it given the names out there and the fact that he's never been an NFL offensive coordinator or (officially) a play caller. Seems like he either gets a head coaching job this year (unlikely) or signs up as an offensive line coach somewhere at which point he's at the back of the line for a head coaching gig. It could still happen for him (I mean, it happened to Chan Gailey) but I'd say the odds are 70/30 against.

Which is too bad because despite the conservative nature of his Dolphins teams--something I could live with if it didn't so often come long after there was nothing to lose--Sparano's players seemed to love him which is a rare thing in a coach that's not "soft." He's not a tyrant in the Coughlin school nor is he an absentee in the Caldwell school--instead he's the rare disciplinarian whose players respect him and played tough and smart and focused long after they would have tuned the Coughlins of the world out or realized Caldwell was an empty suit. With more talent, he could have been Coughlin or even better, I think. That's not to diminish Coughlin, just that I think a lot of coaches would lose a team after an 0-7 start and Sparano never did. Hell, they seemed to play harder for him once they realized they were getting him fired.

Sparano's loyalty did him in as much as anything which is terrible considering how little loyalty the front office showed him. But maybe his ceiling was reached, that's certainly possible. At some point, you've got to not only play correctly but you've got to play smarter and there wasn't much about Sparano's gameplans that suggested this was going to happen. A run-first, physical team will probably win again in the NFL, but it's not an accident that the Patriots, Packers, Colts, Saints, and Steelers have dominated the last decade. Even the Steelers, arguably the only team that fit the Sparano model, have gone away from the running game and opened up the offense. For better or worse, it's what the game is now, and only at the urging of the owner did Sparano even begin to move in this direction.

He ultimately didn't have the time or the personnel to take the team there, but there've been a lot of positive signs these past few weeks. Sparano made them look like they were a few players away but are they? I don't know. They've got one more hole now, and if they're sincere about Tony having been a good coach--and I think they should be--then they're going to have to do better than good.

But so far a lot of the names getting thrown around only make me think, Hey, Tony Sparano is available. Let's go get him.

Exhibit 1.4.21

In Which I Pretend to Live Blog an MRI

0:00 - O, I've done this before, nice man who put a warm blanket over me, no worries. Yes, please, strap my head down. I shouldn't be able to move. I'm not worthy of that responsibility.

0:01 - I hope some kind of Walking Dead scenario isn't happening outside.

0:03 - Some kind of Walking Dead scenario is definitely happening outside.

0:05 - Think, Adam, you can escape from this tube. There's got to be more than one exit.

0:06 - I'm going to die.

0:06:30 - Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

0:07 - Eh, screw it. I'm probably not going to die. [starts thinking about fantasy football]

0:10 - "Try not to swallow."

0:11/12/13/14/15 - [swallows]

0:20 - My favorite magnet cycle is the one that sounds like an old-timey typewriter from a newsreel.

0:21 - "Dateline, this tube. Look out, Mussolini, Uncle Sam's boys aren't crying anymore and have their swallowing problem on the run."

0:30 - I wish Fred Jackson and Matt Forte were still alive. I mean, to me.

0:40 - O, hi, nice man who put a warm blanket over me, just another hour? Why not make it two? Because screw Mussolini.

1:00 - "Baby, when I'm with you, it's like you're the MRI machine and I'm the injured high school sports star." - something John Updike probably thought.

1:01 - Can I tweet that?

1:02 - Na, probably not.

1:03 - But I can blog it. Totally.

1:10 - And emotionally I skipped from bored right past heroic and am back to fear.

1:12 - The zombies would probably just eat my legs but then I'd be a zombie and would totally have dibs on this nice livin' tube.

1:14 - I hope after this I get to stand in a long coffee line with a bunch of young doctors to remind myself that most of the doctors I know got into it because they really liked Grey's Anatomy and wanted to drive a Mercedes. I will? Great.

1:20 - Story idea: "Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, beep."

1:22 - Sudden urge to fight tube.

1:23 - Is that as hard as you can hit magnets?

1:24 - O, I assumed it's just take your daughter to work day. Little Olive is doing great.

1:30 - This one again? Great, no, I mean, I wouldn't want to be a huge one note cliche, but if you want to be Joe Cocker...

1:31 - No, I'm sure you're very advanced, but there's no getting around the fact that you're made by a company that builds electric razors.

1:40 - I don't know disembodied voice of the nice man who put a warm blanket over me, sometimes I think I have gone crazy.

1:45 - I'm moving! It's over!

1:46 - Nope, just moved down a little. Now back. Now down. It's just screwing with me. Shouldn't have brought up Joe Cocker.

1:50 - MRI machines would be cooler if at the end they just dumped you inside themselves into a portal where you ended up waiting for an Americano next to a high-pitched girl in scrubs telling her friend she never gets to go out anymore. Not because that would be so great but because it would make the experience more like Mario.

2:00 - I think the MRI ended ten minutes ago and I didn't notice.

2:01 - I should have stolen those socks as a memento.

12:38 - My god, I think, I think I love the tube.

Exhibit 1.4.20

Things

* There's a new NOÖ Weekly available right here edited by Laura Eve Engel. I have a thing in it about being pope or something. It's unclear. But it's a fantastic issue anyway which you should check out.

* There's also a cool prose poem made out of lines from all the pieces at the NOÖ blog here.

* So these YouTube "Hitler reacts to ____________" things are more than a little tired at this point, but I have to give it up to the Royals fan who put this one together about the Royals signing Jonathan Broxton. It's really funny, all the more so if you're a Royals fan who enjoys jokes about those hydraulic adaptor commercials that blanket all the radio broadcasts.

* If you're not that--and statistically the odds of you being that are quite small--it's still got plenty of that nutty Hitler.

* I also have a couple of Sire (on)Lines in the new Jet Fuel Review. These are about the internet and Wal-Mart which, as you might imagine, put them in the latter portions of the manuscript despite my initial intention to call the project Sam Walton: Made in America and have it sold for $8.88 at over 7,000 retail locations worldwide.

Exhibit 1.4.19

O Gmail



I got these ads because, as best I can tell, the email thread contained the words "Old Woman," "Dress," and "Underwater."

Or it knows.

Exhibit 1.4.18

A Primer on the Rules of Cricket, Pt. 4



31. The bowler shall be allotted one villain. The villain shall be allotted one nemesis. The nemesis shall be allotted one savior. The savior is allotted nothing. None of these parties shall be allowed in the stadium nor made aware of the game of cricket under penalty of scheming.

32. Tuesday, being The Duke's day, shall be skipped in matches that go on longer than the time between an orphans breakfasts and all subsequent days reordered and renumbered in perpetuity or until the fifth ninth Monday of eighth September.

33. The gambling of shoes is required with the terms secured and held by a foreign national equipped with the proper deity and without want of a castle. Shoes shall be held in the castle with separate keeps to segregate the jodhpurs from the paddocks.

34. Upon the retirement of the butler, his wife shall be made aware of the affair.

35. After assessing the temperament of the bees, any player stung unduly shall be within his rights to engage a barrister and seek recompense from the opposing player nearest the bee at the time of trial.

36. Should fruit be provided oranges are not to be served until the conclusion of the most recent kerfuffle with the Boers.

37. The scuffle with the Boers shall never truly conclude.

38. In the yellow wicket a player may charge the officiate with "Possession" at which time the player will have three attempts to name the demon. Success earns the player the wizard's hat. Failure and the wizard gets to hold the player by the hand and walk him off.

39. The failure to exclaim "That's a feisty bowl of pudding!" after a particularly spectacular woogly results in the whip with no consideration given to the condemned's spleen.

40. Spectacularity is to be determined by the dowager whose whimsy is least beyond reproach. Regardless of the dowager, during the cascades, players are required to say "That's a feisty bowl of pudding!" in the ratio of sparrows to farthings.

Exhibit 1.4.17

Things I Hope People at This Coffeeshop Are Thinking About Me

* Wow, a Macbook. He must be doing art not updating his fantasy football team.

* Wow, a Macbook and iPod, he's stylish yet independent in a way we, with our totally purchased just to conform Macbooks, can only aspire to be.

* That probably isn't the J. Geil's Band we're hearing from his headphones.

* Let's bother him in this small, 2-hour window we have before he starts grading that stack of papers.

* I bet he's an individual who has thoughts on Barthes's Writing Degree Zero and thus making him write about it would be pointless. We'll tell everyone.

* He's in law school.

* I bet he snuck some whiskey into that double-caramel caramel macchiato because he just looks like that sort of guy.

* He probably doesn't want to talk about the Kansas City Royals, but I'm going to ask anyway just in case.

* His computer is angled slightly away so it will be impossible for us to read his short story which we were totally going to do if given a more advantageous angle by which we might have experienced his work that the world is apparently not ready for yet (geometrically speaking).

* Hard to believe someone with such a carefully curated homeless look doesn't have somewhere better to be at 1:30 on a Wednesday.

* Look at the way he doesn't even look up when people are walking by. He's really locked in...O, nope, he's staring at us.

Exhibit 1.4.16

Things

* So, um, it's been awhile. How about that.

* I had a long post on the Penn State scandal written up, but I decided not to post it. There is absolutely nothing else to say about that.

* Literally, the only thing to say is that it's terrible and then shut up.

* Check out the new Wigleaf for some amazing stamp stories, including one from me that's about, I don't know, pilgrims or something. Who knows. What I do know is that the others are awesome and that I'm very happy to be there among them.

* Anyway, it's a very cool issue and a very cool concept. You should definitely buy the book from Mud Luscious here. Do it.

* This new Drake album is The Weeknd's best album ever.

* Maybe I like the Childish Gambino album better, but nothing on there is as good as "Freaks and Geeks."

* Fantasy football update: The Cal Drogo and Mike Kafkaesque are both in 2nd place.

* Grading update: I'm not doing it. I'm doing this.

* I'm barely doing this.

Exhibit 1.4.15

Tattoo Ideas for Someone Else Sorted by Decreasing Likelihood


W.A.S.T.E. symbol



Retweet Icon



Alfred Hitchcock Presents on Lower Stomach



Dino from the Flintstones Playing an Upright Bass



Sitar Diagram



Sheet music for "Up Where We Belong"



Facebook Homepage Which Will Never Ever Change

Exhibit 1.4.14

Checking In

Let's see what's going on in my old hometown these days...

O for god's sake. This is terrible!

East Fifth does not need new pavement.

Exhibit 1.4.13

Stock Photography Review
Sadsack Businessmen



To honor Mathias Svalina's I Am a Very Productive Entrepreneur--and at the long ago suggestion of one Jimmy Stockham--here are some some sadsack businessmen. But first, you should be sure to pick up Mathias's book which is amazing and entrepreneurial and portable and here. I read it months ago and my favorites have stuck with me long after I should have been paying attention to other things like teaching or writing or whatever it is I do.



"Things are going to get better, Robert, things are going to get better. You've got French cuffs and this is going to be okay."


"Makeup can make my cheeks shine, my lips pop, and my hair porcupine, but it can't make Vanessa come back."


"Why did I start a private architecture library? Nobody went to the one at school and nobody is going to this one either. I don't even know what an architecture library is."


"When they find me, I'll have to say something cute like 'I've got motherboard issues.' Not the truth, not yet."


"More like a notary sad."


"When there was only one set of footprints, it was because I was claiming you as a dependent."


"Dress for the job you want, they said, but I'm still here at the front desk and no closer to that handjob."


"Hey, Cindy. Cindy! Are you having emotions?"


"Okay, keep it together. She might still want to buy the steak knives. What was her name? Vanessa something?"


"I hope it's a nice day outside and not one of those this-hellish-white-landscape-is-a-metaphor-for-how-I'm-dying-inside days. O, goddamnit."


"Every year I find a way to ruin the company Christmas party, and firing everyone to hire Prince to perform may have been the best way yet."


"Stay calm, Robert, this is happening. We always knew it would. O God. Think of the cuffs."


Bonus! Submit your own caption for this one in the comments:


And don't forget to buy Mathias's book at SPD.

Exhibit 1.4.12

How I Know My Phone Is Dying




* Keeps launching Pandora on the Warren Zevon station

* Only works on speakerphone so that god can hear its cries

* Like a Grandpa in the old folks home, no longer recognizes grandchildren/car charger

* Shows complete apathy over whether or not it's on ringer, vibrate

* Calls you in my pocket so you can decide

* Clock only updates when unlocked, phone only unlocked when someone needs me hence--also like grandpa in the old folks home--thinks it's Tuesday, September 24, 1978

* This doesn't explain why it now receives text messages by Pony Express

* It was made by a company that has been bought, spun off, and no longer exists

* It still exists, but only that--nothing more

Anyway, I'm sorry to see it go. It was a good phone.

Exhibit 1.4.11

Today in Confusing Stock Photography




O, The Huffington Post. You're the world's number one purveyor of slideshows about bad stock photography and bad stock photography.

Also, not so good at the irony.

Exhibit 1.4.10

Wok



I need you to know that I now own a wok.

It's like my best friend.

I call it Wok-uin Phoenix.

My fridge is full of leftover noodle and rice dishes.

Sometimes I season the wok just for fun.

I say the word patina a lot.

I don't blog.

I keep hoping lightning will hit a tree so I can carve a wok paddle out of it.

When I'm watching baseball and here the word "walk" I get up and make stirfry.

I nod at Asians.

I judge people based on the amount of fish sauce they have.

I think about whether or not fish have woks.

I'm already thinking about buying a better wok.

I'd name this one River Phoenix.

I couldn't do that to my wok.

Exhibit 1.4.9

Royals Season Review

Blog crossover! So fellow fiction writer, Nebraskan, and Royals fan Theodore Wheeler asked me if I'd like to trade some questions about this Kansas City Royals, and I of course said yes. Talking about the Royals is one of my favorite things to do in the world, ranking somewhere between eating French Toast and talking about eating French Toast.

For those of you not paying attention to this season in Royals baseball--which, according to my math, is all of humanity minus about 100 people currently inside an Arthur Bryant's--the Royals finished up the year 71-91 which was good enough for 4th place in the AL Central, besting only the lowly, lowly Twins (let's not take the time to remember my Royals season preview in which I predicted the Twins to win the central).

Buried in another miserable record, however, were real signs of hope, mostly centered around an improving offense led by a resurgent Alex Gordon, career years from a couple of fan-hated castoffs, and, of course, the long awaited arrival of some of the best prospects in baseball. The Royals ended the season looking like a team ready to compete for the division as early as next season and, indeed, advance stats have them as the second best team in the division already with a lot more talent on the way.

Are the Royals finally legit? I don't know. Ted might. I asked him. Below are my questions to Ted and his answers.

You can find my answers to his questions at Ted's site The Uninitiated right here.


Adam: What does 2012 look like for the Royals? There’s certainly a sense of excitement around the team now that the season is ending that wasn’t there in June when the losses mounted, the rookies struggled, and the farm system fell back to Earth. Is this just a September mirage made possible by journeymen and young guys filling out 40-man rosters or are these performances real? I guess the question is this: can this team compete for the division in 2012 or are they a year (or more) away?

Ted: The Royals have made a September surge an annual event in the last decade, so I’m inclined to be skeptical of the results of late. However, I expected Hosmer, Moustakas, and Perez to play well—so maybe seeing is believing at this point. I do think the Royals have a chance to compete for the division in 2012, although a lot of that optimism comes from the fact that they play in the AL Central. The Tigers probably have a couple more years in their run (Verlander has to regress at some point, right?), but I’m not all that scared by anyone else. The Indians have a chance to be good, yet they had a lot of guys playing out of their minds this season, and still finished as a mediocre team. Although it won’t be as bad as it has this year, the Twins are on a downward slide. And I can’t imagine the White Sox find anyone who can hold all the head-cases on their roster together better than Ozzie Guillen. (Here’s hoping Hal McRae gets another shot. That would be quite a show.) So the Royals will have a shot. From top-to-bottom, I don’t see a huge weakness in the lineup. Both Frenchy and Melky Cabrera will probably regress—but it’s important to remember that 2011 was still just their age 26 and 27 seasons, which is typically when a hitter is at his peak. So it’s possible that they, along with Gordon and Billy Butler, are just settling into the prime of their careers. At the least, with that in mind, I doubt anyone falls off a cliff. Add that to a solid bullpen, and I think the Royals hopes in 2012 all come down to how well the rotation can compete.


A: This year’s starting rotation was, frankly, terrible, and it’s painful to imagine how much worse they would have been without the performance of Felipe Paulino who was picked up for nothing at the end of May. What do you see the Royals doing this offseason and what would you want them to do? Can they count on Paulino to repeat his performance? Will Duffy make a leap? And—I guess we’re still asking this—will Hochevar? A better question: do the Royals currently have anyone in the rotation who they can count on in their long-term plans?

T: This is the factor that can, and probably will, sink the Royals in 2012. Paulino has been a horse this year, and he has the kind of stuff and physical attributes that could lead to an out-of-nowhere special season. I think Duffy will get better, but it will probably be a couple years before he gets comfortable challenging MLB hitters. I’m pretty sure Luke Hochevar is what he is at this point. So we have three maybes, not one you can count on—and it gets a bit darker from there, unfortunately. Moore needs to find a top starter, if not two, if they expect to be a playoff team. That being said, the Royals aren’t going to find anyone on the free agent or trade market who can compete with Justin Verlander pitch for pitch. CJ Wilson would be a great sign, but he’s not coming here. Would Edwin Jackson be worth overpaying for? Or worth risking team chemistry over? Maybe. There may be some interesting prospects on the trade market—Clayton Kershaw, Gio Gonzalez, Dan Haren—but no one knows how that will shake out at this point. And would it be worth it to give up Mike Montgomery and Wil Myers, plus two middling prospects, for two years of a potentially elite starter. Maybe. But Montgomery has a ton of talent—Chuck Finley is the comp I’ve heard the most—and could be that guy himself if he figures some things out this winter.

I’ll hate myself for saying this, but I kind of wish Moore would make a run at signing Mark Buehrle. (And back from a quick shower…) He isn’t a great pitcher anymore, but Buehrle’s influence on the young White Sox pitchers the last few years has been evident. I’d love to see what that kind of veteran influence would do for guys like Duffy and Montgomery. And for Paulino and Hochevar for that matter. I could live with a rotation of Buehrle, Hochevar, Duffy, Paulino, Teaford. Is that a playoff-caliber rotation? (Please hold all derisive laughter.) Of course it isn’t. But maybe it’s good enough to stay in the race until July, if the offense continues produce like it has in the second-half this year, and at that point Moore can go out and get a premier starter. (Zack Greinke anyone?) Or maybe Montgomery could give a surge. 2012 probably won’t be the year that KC makes it back to the playoffs. But if that year is going to come in the next decade, 2012 has to be the year the Royals get used to being in the conversation.


A: So you asked me about the prospects who played this year, but I’m curious about your take on prospects who are still in the system. Obviously this gets tricky as we don’t really see these guys (at least I don’t down in Texas), but my question is this: what prospects who haven’t yet seen the majors do you see having the biggest impact on the team next year? Long-term? Also, is there still enough talent in the system to round out a complete roster or are the Royals going to have to go shopping?

T: The Royals debuted five position players this year, four who are starters, and three who performed pretty well. Seven pitchers have made their debut, with an astounding five rookies with an ERA under 3.65. (Each of the five are bullpen guys.) It’s no surprise that they are the youngest team in the majors, and it isn’t even close. So you couldn’t really blame the Royals if the cupboard was bare. Fortunately, there’s still a ton of quality down on the farm. If anyone does fall off, or get hurt, there’s some depth to fill in. There aren’t a bunch of superstars left, but there are plenty of guys who should be able to hold their own over the course of a month or two if needed. David Lough is a guy who, on Royals teams of the past, probably would have spent most of the year with the big club. Yet, with the organization as it is now, it’s likely that Lough will never see meaningful time with major league squad. That’s great progress. There’s no reason for Moore to go shopping for spare parts this year, or any year in the foreseeable future, with the rotation as a possible caveat.

Just going down the organizational ladder, there are many guys who we might see in KC over the next few years. Lorenzo Cain will be an MLB regular somewhere. Clint Robinson will play for the A’s someday. Yamaico Navarro and Jarrod Dyson are capable bench players now. Kelvin Herrera will be in the bullpen. Mike Montgomery has ace stuff—but he’s also a tall lefty, so it might take a while before he learns to control it. Wil Myers is still a top talent, if he can avoid injuries and regain his confidence. Chris Dwyer will be a quality bullpen lefty at worst, and can still be a mid-rotation guy. Jake Odorizzi has the looks of a two or three starter in the majors. John Lamb won’t start throwing again until late in the summer, but most people I’ve heard are confident that he’ll rebound and be in the majors sometime in 2013. (The guy had a 3.09 ERA in the Texas League, a notorious hitter’s league, as a 20 year-old with an injured shoulder that kept him from throwing his best pitch. If it wasn’t for his undergoing Tommy John surgery, Lamb would have been in the rotation by August this year.) There are a bunch of guys in A-ball to keep an eye on too: Noel Arguelles, Cheslor Cuthbert, Brett Eibner, Jason Adam, Yordano Ventura, Jorge Bonifacio, Michael Antonio, and Robinson Yambati. Bubba Starling is starting instructional league this week in Arizona. Then there’s the next wave of bullpen guys to keep an eye on: Kevin Chapman, Patrick Keating, Henry Barrera, and Kendal Volz. Cuthbert and Bonifacio have the kind of talent that they could find themselves as Top 20 prospects in the next couple years.

There are plenty of question marks—Will Chris Colon ever rebound? Will Rey Navarro ever hit enough to get his glove on the field? Do Myers, Dwyer, and Montgomery reestablish themselves as top prospects?—but a few bad things were bound to happen after everything went right in 2010. I think we’ll see things come back to center in 2012, as far as the farm goes. There’s too much talent there to not have a few guys ready to pop every year.




Theodore Wheeler’s fiction has appeared or is forthcoming in Best New American Voices, The Kenyon Review, Boulevard, The Cincinnati Review, and Confrontation, among other venues. He is a senior fiction reader at Prairie Schooner, and is currently at work on a novel that is mostly about German-American political thugs, the First World War, and the events surrounding the Omaha Race Riot of 1919.


And don't forget to check out Ted's site and my answers to his questions.