Exhibit 1.4.20

Things

* There's a new NOÖ Weekly available right here edited by Laura Eve Engel. I have a thing in it about being pope or something. It's unclear. But it's a fantastic issue anyway which you should check out.

* There's also a cool prose poem made out of lines from all the pieces at the NOÖ blog here.

* So these YouTube "Hitler reacts to ____________" things are more than a little tired at this point, but I have to give it up to the Royals fan who put this one together about the Royals signing Jonathan Broxton. It's really funny, all the more so if you're a Royals fan who enjoys jokes about those hydraulic adaptor commercials that blanket all the radio broadcasts.

* If you're not that--and statistically the odds of you being that are quite small--it's still got plenty of that nutty Hitler.

* I also have a couple of Sire (on)Lines in the new Jet Fuel Review. These are about the internet and Wal-Mart which, as you might imagine, put them in the latter portions of the manuscript despite my initial intention to call the project Sam Walton: Made in America and have it sold for $8.88 at over 7,000 retail locations worldwide.

Exhibit 1.4.16

Things

* So, um, it's been awhile. How about that.

* I had a long post on the Penn State scandal written up, but I decided not to post it. There is absolutely nothing else to say about that.

* Literally, the only thing to say is that it's terrible and then shut up.

* Check out the new Wigleaf for some amazing stamp stories, including one from me that's about, I don't know, pilgrims or something. Who knows. What I do know is that the others are awesome and that I'm very happy to be there among them.

* Anyway, it's a very cool issue and a very cool concept. You should definitely buy the book from Mud Luscious here. Do it.

* This new Drake album is The Weeknd's best album ever.

* Maybe I like the Childish Gambino album better, but nothing on there is as good as "Freaks and Geeks."

* Fantasy football update: The Cal Drogo and Mike Kafkaesque are both in 2nd place.

* Grading update: I'm not doing it. I'm doing this.

* I'm barely doing this.

Exhibit 1.4.7

Things

* You definitely need to check out the new The Literary Review which is really beautiful and full of great work and also a couple of [SPOILER ALERT]s. You can actually read those online, but then you'd be missing out on the rest of the fantastic stuff and that would make you, I hate to say it, some kind of idiot. Don't be an idiot.

* There are also some [SPOILER ALERT]s in the new Copper Nickel which--and this isn't just talk--is also beautiful. Seriously. I don't get it. We feel very lucky to have the pieces in two very cool journals. Or at least I do. I don't know how Laura Eve feels. Let's go ask her.

* I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel good about my thoughts on Rick Perry so quickly proving themselves accurate. Or maybe that's not what happened. I don't know. The important thing is that everyone seems to have realized he's an idiot (probably because he didn't read all the way through his literary journals). Bush overcame it. Can Perry? Something tells me he can't. Romney it is (which is actually maybe scary though the John Kerry parallels would be both eery and reassuring).

* "Hey, that final baseball day sure was crazy, wasn't it?" - everyone.

* And yes, yes it was. Look for more Royals thoughts soon in the rare SPM-other blog crossover. And by rare I mean it's never happened and I'm surprised anyone asked.

Exhibit 1.4.3

Archival

One of the first stories I ever published is now online as part of the new Madison Review website. And from the same Spring 2008 issue you can also read a poem by Adam Day. Apparently we were journal buddies before we shared an office.

Adam is also an editor at Catch Up, a new journal of literature and comics. Check it out here.

Exhibit 1.3.26

Things, Promotional and Otherwise

* A friend of mine decided to move the party to Doha and is writing a phenomenal--and phenomenally titled--blog called It's Pronounced Qatar. Or maybe that's only phenomenal if you actually know how to pronounce Qatar which, it turns out, I didn't (it rhymes with "butter"). I'm considering his experience there practice for the upcoming World Cup. Also, pronouncing butter.

* Brief thoughts on the Obama speech kerfuffle: O Jesus Christ, really?

* The Cupboard needs you to like it. Harder. Please help us by liking our page here and telling your friends to do so, too. We're terrible about this stuff.

* Brief Dolphins thoughts: Vegas has them at 7.5 wins. I'd probably still bet the under (or at least that's the smart bet), but for some reason (likely the Orton debacle) people who don't know the team keep saying they'll be lucky to win 4. This makes no sense to me. I think Vegas is begging you to take the under not realizing the Dolphins are going to finish with a top-3 defense.

* NewPages wrote a really nice review of the new Camera Obscura which says such embarrassingly nice things about my story that I sort of want to punch them. I too love this journal, and everyone should. Subscribe, submit, spread the word.

* O, and there's this Mark Sanchez is not (yet) better than Chad Henne. Anyone who has the Jets winning the Super Bowl should probably be aware of that. Sorry. That was more Dolphins thoughts. I should have warned you.

* In more journal pimping news, a friend of mine started a new online journal called Owl Eye Review which is up and accepting submissions and watching you. The first issue is great, and I expect even greater things in the future. I mean, if we can trust owls which, I don't know, it might be time to.

* What I'm saying is, the Jets got worse this offseason, the Dolphins got slightly better. Don't get me wrong, the Jets are still a better team in all likelihood, by why are some people acting like 11 wins are a sure thing for the Jets while the Dolphins won't get 5? The following things are true: the Dolphins defense is better, Mark Sanchez and Chad Henne are a wash, and we're coming up on the time when Rex Ryan starts to get tuned out. Just saying. O, and that was about politics.

* Laura Eve and I have a [SPOILER ALERT] in the new DIAGRAM. This issue just launched so I haven't had much time to read through it, but I see names I know and trust. Plus, it's DIAGRAM. What could go wrong?

* Update: Since I first posted this, I read Bill Barnwell's NFL preview on Grantland.com which includes the smartest take on the Dolphins I've read yet in the national media. He nails the team's potential downfall while still realizing there's a lot of talent on the team.

Exhibit 1.3.18

Camera Obscura



I knew since their first issue that Camera Obscura would be one of my favorite literary journals. It's stylish without neurosis, smart without smugness, relevant without pandering. It's weird how easy a journal like this can make the format and how, well, obsolete it can make other journals.

It's not the photography that makes CO seem bigger--though it certainly doesn't hurt--but the boldness of the fiction which, much like the design, always seems to be doing several things at once without falling into any of the usual traps. Like the photographs, it's always worldly and adroit and, damnit, just hard to look away from. Take the opening to Vincent Czyz's "The Nameless Saint":

It was the hour when the lamplighter, toting a ladder over his shoulder, made his tedious rounds; when workers slogged through the streets as though souls on their way to purgatory; when bones turning to dust in graveyards unexpectedly shifted like a heap of logs burning on the grate. This was not the quarter of Samirska lit by theaters and cafes, cabarets and fine restaurants--a quarter smiling like a crescent moon in the dusk--here the restaurants had bare wooden floors and for a drima offered a bowl of cabbage soup or, for a few more, greasy stew and a slice of black village bread. here, mounted gendarmes patrolled the streets in pairs or not at all.

You want to read the rest of that story and the rest of that issue.

Of course, I have a story here which you probably don't want to read and is mostly notable for having taken its title from the repeated line in an Arthur & Yu song ("1000 Words") that Dave turned me onto a long time back. It seems appropriate to me that the story ended up in a journal with a photography emphasis, and I'm thrilled it's there.

Please help them out by subscribing here or by checking your local Barnes & Noble. Unless you're in Topeka in which case I think my parents already bought them all. See, that's how much I care. I told my parents, and they don't even know where I live.*

*That's probably not true.

Exhibit 1.3.12

Things

* Look, I was in Vermont for a month and made the very mature decision not to blog while there in order to concentrate on my Game of Thrones watching. And watched it was though somehow I still managed to post an Air Supply video and a picture of me getting--what the kids call--served. Priorities.

* I'm back now with nothing else to do this summer except learn French so expect more posts about garcons mangeing on pommes or whatever. That was three-quarters French so I'm almost there.

* You should check out my friend Angie's new blog Childhood Relived. Angie's hilarious and a mom and a hilarious mom. So glad I now have a venue for her pop culture musings that doesn't involve me flying to Nebraska and scheduling a dinner party.

* I think I'm going to start writing about books again. Just because, you know, why not. French books? O yeah. I lit the livres. Right now, I'm reading Terrence Holt's In the Valley of the Kings.

* So I've had some more Sire onLines out there though what you should really be interested in is the far more awesome work in these journals:

* I love Super Arrow. This is exactly what an online journal should be: everything a print journal can't be. Especially a fan of the collaborations between Steven Karl and Angela Veronica Wong.

* The new jmww has some writers I love who I didn't know I loved and plenty I already knew I loved, including Cupboard-er Andrew Borgstrom. Be sure to check out Gabe Blackwell's equation-based story.

* kill author is amazing. That's all, really. Really proud to be in there (as I am with all the others), and I especially dig Katie Jean Shinkle's "When All You Want Doesn't Want You."

Exhibit 1.2.12

Thing

* I have a short(er) story in the new issue of StoryQuarterly. It comes from a time when I thought 1,000 word stories were the future. Now I know that the real future is 500 word stories. It was a simpler time, 2009.

* Anyway, my thing is mostly notable for being a one-note joke about having to harvest a cowboy if you want a pair of cowboy boots. Sort of like how I had to kill that elephant to get these stylish tusks you've noticed me wearing. I did not, however, have to kill it with my bare hands. That I did for me. Also, to best Orwell. The pussy.

* Now I've made myself sad thinking about animal violence. I'm against it.

* I'm still reading through the issue--it's fairly massive--but so far my favorite story actually has considerable animal violence (or at least animal death). Bethany Reece's "The Dog Dies" won me over anyway. A collection of different dog deaths, it's terribly sad but funny and touching in all the right ways. I didn't want to like it, but I couldn't help it, not when it includes lines about trying to slap a dog soul. It's hard to explain why that works, but it does. I'm a fan.

* After, in penance, I stared at a picture of Brett's dog soul for an hour:

Exhibit 1.2.7

Things

You know that week everyone has where they have to read Anna Karenina, the Ramayana, the Aeneid, Wieland, Sula, and The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym? Of course you don't. Nobody else has that week. I have that week. It's now. Don't bother me. Here are things:

* The Cupboard continues to hold a contest. Tell your friends to submit here.

* Speaking of The Cupboard, Dave and I are no longer alone. emily danforth has come on board as a co-editor. She cries when people don't submit to our contest.

* Two of my Houston friends have new online journals. Be sure to submit to, eventually read, and generally appreciate Owl Eye Review and Little Grid. Hooray for doing things.

* You know what you shouldn't read? The Aeneid. Nothing against it, just don't.

* O, there's a new issue of elimae, and I'm in it here. This person liked my piece and for that I'm grateful. Otherwise it's only notable for being part of my whole Sire Lines of America thing, a project I showed the logo for way back when and then put away for a long time. It's back. Look for more online. I'm really into online all of a sudden, mostly because I wish I could add more links to this bullet.

Exhibit 1.1.12

Sonora Review


So since I've been home I've been reading a lot of books for an upcoming class, but my attention keeps getting pulled away by the new Sonora Review. You should go order it and read it and support them because, damnit, it's just too awesome. I gather from the website this hand-bound model is a limited edition done by Spork Press*. I can easily say it's as nicely put together as any literary journal I've ever been in.

And the work inside makes it worth it. I haven't yet read everything, but current Cupboard author Andrew Borgstrom is in there with a great story, as is Kim Gek Lin Short whose prose poems are from the same world as her chapbook Run which I wrote about here. I'm not positive, but I think these are going to be in the book China Cowboy from Tarpaulin Sky. That's a book you're going to want.

Then there's nonfiction from Brian Oliu "about" the old Nintendo game Double Dribble. I love that game, and this series (or whatever it is). Every so often I go watch the videos being made for these, especially this one:

My piece is mostly notable for featuring a character not named Miss Hampster. Once at a reading I mistakenly said this name the first time and then had to keep using it subsequently. It was hard.

* Initially I didn't know what Sonora meant when they credited "Spork" but only because I'm an idiot. I've seen Spork Press stuff before and it's always this nice looking.

Exhibit 26.11

Short Shorts

* I have a short short online here at American Short Fiction's website. It's about some kind of nonsense. Snake handling? Communication majors? Business cards? I don't know.

* I also have a short piece in the new Indiana Review and am flattered to be among a bunch of writers I admire, including Houstonite Hannah Gamble who led that great poetry roundtable I mentioned some time back.

These, I think, are two great journals to support.

Exhibit 25.11

Hobart

Hobart is the journal I wish I did, but at least I can still read it. Their new issue, 'The Great Outdoors,' is now out and it's a good one. You should not only pick up this issue, you should plant it in the ground when you're done reading it. Then you should water it with a hose twice a day. Wonders will bloom.

I can't say it enough: this journal is amazing from Buffalo to Zoophilia, and you need to read it.

I have three short shorts in it which are notable for being about Boy Scouts, Claire's, and Angelina Jolie, respectively. I realize that, at best, only one of those things occurs naturally, but I worked in enough references to birds to make the others count (i.e. Find-and-Replace 'Earrings' with 'Toucan').

You should also check out the web extras that go up here, especially more of Lucy Corin's apocalypses. There's a lot of other great stuff up there, too, including one of those pie crust recipes that involves ice water. I never trust those recipes, but I do trust Hobart.

I have something up called "My Eagle Scout Project: A Sidewalk: A List" which is, I suppose, a kind of essay about my Eagle Scout project. It's true. Every pathetic word.

Exhibit 23.25

Journal

The new Open City is all kinds of awesome, and you should go out of your way to support them. Right now. The first story from Sam Lipsyte is hilarious and not just because there is a character named Vargina which--I'm surprised and ashamed to say--made me laugh almost every time I read it. There are some nice looking debut fiction pieces I'm working my way through as well though I had to put off finishing them because I kept giggling about poor Vargina.

I have a few Flasher pieces in it which are only notable for continuing to exist. He buys a painted turtle among other things. That (still) nutty Flasher.

Exhibit 22.22

You should check out the new Cincinnati Review which features a great poem from fellow Ulysses-class attendee Adam Day, a Malamud review from the lovely Erin McGraw, and a Tommy-inspired piece from the always incredible Kevin Wilson along with a lot of other amazing work. It's the first journal I've picked up in a while and started reading at page one. It felt good. Consider supporting them.

My thing is mostly notable for being an adaptation of a 2002 Clint Eastwood movie. There's an excerpt up on their website under Issues-->Upcoming if you want to read how I described his face. Here's a hint: grizzled.

Exhibit 21.17

SpringGun Press is a great new web journal coming out of Boulder that you should read. Here's how they describe themselves:

SpringGun is a not-for-profit web-based journal promoting all forms of previously unpublished quality contemporary writing and interdisciplinary digital art. We’re interested in the internet as a medium both for its networking potential and accessibility; we want to create a platform for newer art forms to emerge, and simultaneously pull new intelligent voices into the literary fold. We’re interested in writers who read vigorously and are invested in the continued advancement and development of poetry, fiction, video art, or screen literature. We’re looking for artists who believe that it’s important to interact with a community of ideas and artists, who believe no good art happens in isolation.

Sounds good, no? Their first issue is right here. Lots of great stuff there, including Todd Seabrook's awesome multimedia exploration of the game Hangman.


It's really great. I laughed. Click on that picture to check it out.

Oh, and I have some things up from that Sire Lines of America project I mentioned a long time ago. If you're just dying to know what I wrote about Teddy Roosevelt, Germany, and Jesse Owens...

Exhibit 18.27

I received the new issue of Dislocate a few days back which has great work from, among others, Nin Andrews, (Lincoln-ite) Josh Ware, and Kevin Wilson whose story collection Tunneling to the Center of the Earth I'll be writing about soon.

It also has a short short from me which is only notable for having an absurdly sad beginning--sort of a boring middle--and absurdly happy ending. I also once got to describe it to a famous writer at the now defunct Sadie's Saloon in Lincoln. We were drunk--well, one of us was drunk--and hitting on all the girls despite the fact we were married--well, one of us was hitting on all the girls despite the fact we were married--and generally having a good time. I'd mostly been ignoring the famous writer because he wrote one of my favorite books and I don't know what else I'd say to him, but I got pulled into a conversation by Heather who the famous writer seemed to have taken a liking to.

[Ed note: Heather would like it pointed out that he was hitting on everyone. Adam would like it pointed out that he wasn't hitting on Adam. Not that that would have been something Adam would have wanted, exactly, but it might have been a little flattering].

I think I was supposed to defuse the situation by my introduction, but I was also a little on the famous writer's side. I mean, he did write [book title] and fought in [war]. I'd probably spent most of the night before that point in a pair of sweatpants trying to beat Contra.

Heather, you can correct me here, but I believe we got to have this conversation on the way home.

Heather: Ugh, he just kept hitting on me.
Me: He did write [book title].
Heather: You think that excuses it?
Me: [a little bit thinks that excuses it]
Heather: You need to stop using the laser and stick with the spread gun.
Me: I would have changed out of my sweatpants if I'd known I was going to talk to him.

Anyway, so the famous writer starts talking about stories that either out of embarrassment or shame or the use of something he knows will upset them, he doesn't share with his loved ones until he absolutely has to. I actually have one of these stories--this one in Dislocate--and I quickly describe the premise to the famous writer.

Famous writer: Who won't you let read that one?
Me: [pointing at the only other person in the conversation]
Famous writer: She's hot.
Me: I think she likes you, bro.
Heather: No I don't.
Me: Hey, did you learn anything in [war] that might help me beat Contra?
Famous writer: Yes. Yes, I did.

Things in that story which are actually true:

1. There have been wars
2. Sadie's Saloon is gone
3. I do have a self-destructive affinity for the laser gun in Contra
4. The new issue of Dislocate is great and you should read it

Okay, maybe one or two other things. Also, the song I am listening to just had a lyric that is also the name of this writer's most famous book (but not my favorite). So that was weird.

I'm not really sure why I told that story, and I'm pretty sure this has gone on longer than my sad, bad, happy, still mostly bad piece in Dislocate. Here, J. Ware will save me. Here's the first line of his poem "103107" which will take us all out on a high note:

If the antiquated movements of electrons have no history, then silver-clear shadows
can cut the moon in two.

Exhibit 17.18

While we're at it, you should also pick up the new Alaska Quarterly Review which is so gigantic and beautiful I don't quite know what to do with it. For the moment I'm mostly just playing a game of hide and seek with it around my apartment. I'll set it on the coffee table and find it in the kitchen. I'll move it to a bookshelf but wake up with it underneath my pillow.

It's an issue. An issue I'll read carefully.

My story is mostly notable because Dave Madden once criticized the opening scene as "Big Chill-esque" which would have been an insult if I'd seen The Big Chill (and if I didn't like Tom Berenger so much, making it a sort of compliment). Also, it's probably sort of true. As long as The Big Chill is about a guy who finds a heart in front of his house. Is that what it's about? I've always assumed as much.

Slightly less notable: the family in the story's original last name was Peterson because I couldn't think of anything else to call them. This was awkward. I changed it.

Nobody wants to read about Petersons who aren't murdering people. Or are they murdering people?

No, they're not. At least I don't think so.

So who wants to come over and watch The Big Chill? I'll keep the lights on so we don't get too scared.

Exhibit 17.13

Notes

* Did you know The Cupboard has a blog? I'm always the last one to find out about these things. It's right here. We're still trying to figure out what it will be (other than awesome). I haven't written anything for it but that's only because Dave hasn't told me how to post. I'm not certain, but I think he wants me to stay away lest I make everyone sad or post black-and-white photos or randomly name drop Kansas City Royals.

* I would do all of those things if given the chance. You've probably noticed.

* I have three Flasher pieces in the new Salt Hill which you should pick up here for reasons that have nothing to do with me and everything to do with it being a beautiful book. There's a lot of fantastic writing, too--and then my lucky pieces which are mostly notable for coming from a manuscript I keep forgetting about. If you're curious, in these pieces the Flasher "is asked for change," "tries to be a nudist," and "tells a joke." That nutty Flasher.

* I think this is the end of the Flashers. This despite me presently recapturing my love for writing the word "Flasher."

* Speaking of The Cupboard and flashers--okay, not really--Mathias's volume is coming out so, so soon. Mathias would also like you to know about this.

* You want to click on that link.

* Uninteresting work note: Every so often I'll listen to an album on a co-worker's iTunes, usually something new that I want to check out or something I'm surprised to find (Temple of the Dog? Sure, why not). This is fine and good and why our iTunes are linked together in the first place (it is not, despite what I initially believed, a contest. If it were, I wouldn't have had to make my own "Office's Best iTunes" trophy).

But then these albums end and I'm at the mercy of whatever the alphabet says is next. This is a problem because it usually takes at least 20 minutes for me to figure out that I'm hearing something new.

I guess I'm trying to explain why I'm currently listening to Smash Mouth. It's important that there be a reason for this. I need you to believe me.

Especially you, Julio Pimental. You most of all.

Exhibit 16.1

Octopus 11 is now live right here. Read it instead of whatever else it was you were going to do this morning.

I like this by Rebecca Guyon:

• 
  COLD
  
  I like my shadow when I’m in this coat.
  
  I look like a Russian soldier or I’m wearing a dress.
  
  I need to be more friendly. I need to treat Estonians better.
  

*****
I've also been reading the new Southeast Review. This is normally when I'd mention that I have something in it but my piece is awful and you should pick up the journal despite it. Not this time.

My piece is awesome.

Okay, that's not true. My piece is maybe okay, but if you'll allow me a moment, I'd like to do some avenging.

My piece, "Hope's Dancing Fancy," is a short short that takes its title and vampires from a longer story I wrote in graduate school. A story, I should say, that got a very odd reaction from the workshop. Honestly, it would have been better if I'd written a choose-your-own-adventure novel for class or just passed out handfuls of leaves and called it my story. Even months later I'd meet people and they'd say, "Oh, you're the guy who writes about vampires."

And I'd say, "Um, well, they weren't even real vampires. They just sort of wanted to be. That's why they had their teeth filed."

This would not make things better.

But I persevered and you'll be happy to know the first line of the short short is, "If we hadn’t decided to become vampires, this man wouldn’t be filing our teeth."

I will now cease avenging.

Also in that workshop were friends and non-vampire-focused writers Dave, Chris, Mark, and Naca. That's a good group. You should definitely watch that Naca video.

Exhibit 15.6

“The End Copy” / © 2008 Randy Thurman

The new issue of NOÖ is up right here. There's a lot of good work to start the year with, work that is all kinds of awesome from people you like.

And me, too, though I think we all know how you feel about me at this point. Don't let that stop you from checking out the others. I'll just be over here thinking about football while you're away.

[whistling]