12.07.2011

Exhibit 1.4.21

In Which I Pretend to Live Blog an MRI

0:00 - O, I've done this before, nice man who put a warm blanket over me, no worries. Yes, please, strap my head down. I shouldn't be able to move. I'm not worthy of that responsibility.

0:01 - I hope some kind of Walking Dead scenario isn't happening outside.

0:03 - Some kind of Walking Dead scenario is definitely happening outside.

0:05 - Think, Adam, you can escape from this tube. There's got to be more than one exit.

0:06 - I'm going to die.

0:06:30 - Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

0:07 - Eh, screw it. I'm probably not going to die. [starts thinking about fantasy football]

0:10 - "Try not to swallow."

0:11/12/13/14/15 - [swallows]

0:20 - My favorite magnet cycle is the one that sounds like an old-timey typewriter from a newsreel.

0:21 - "Dateline, this tube. Look out, Mussolini, Uncle Sam's boys aren't crying anymore and have their swallowing problem on the run."

0:30 - I wish Fred Jackson and Matt Forte were still alive. I mean, to me.

0:40 - O, hi, nice man who put a warm blanket over me, just another hour? Why not make it two? Because screw Mussolini.

1:00 - "Baby, when I'm with you, it's like you're the MRI machine and I'm the injured high school sports star." - something John Updike probably thought.

1:01 - Can I tweet that?

1:02 - Na, probably not.

1:03 - But I can blog it. Totally.

1:10 - And emotionally I skipped from bored right past heroic and am back to fear.

1:12 - The zombies would probably just eat my legs but then I'd be a zombie and would totally have dibs on this nice livin' tube.

1:14 - I hope after this I get to stand in a long coffee line with a bunch of young doctors to remind myself that most of the doctors I know got into it because they really liked Grey's Anatomy and wanted to drive a Mercedes. I will? Great.

1:20 - Story idea: "Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, beep."

1:22 - Sudden urge to fight tube.

1:23 - Is that as hard as you can hit magnets?

1:24 - O, I assumed it's just take your daughter to work day. Little Olive is doing great.

1:30 - This one again? Great, no, I mean, I wouldn't want to be a huge one note cliche, but if you want to be Joe Cocker...

1:31 - No, I'm sure you're very advanced, but there's no getting around the fact that you're made by a company that builds electric razors.

1:40 - I don't know disembodied voice of the nice man who put a warm blanket over me, sometimes I think I have gone crazy.

1:45 - I'm moving! It's over!

1:46 - Nope, just moved down a little. Now back. Now down. It's just screwing with me. Shouldn't have brought up Joe Cocker.

1:50 - MRI machines would be cooler if at the end they just dumped you inside themselves into a portal where you ended up waiting for an Americano next to a high-pitched girl in scrubs telling her friend she never gets to go out anymore. Not because that would be so great but because it would make the experience more like Mario.

2:00 - I think the MRI ended ten minutes ago and I didn't notice.

2:01 - I should have stolen those socks as a memento.

12:38 - My god, I think, I think I love the tube.

1 comment:

hoostown said...

Just wait until Tube 2: Hypertube.