Exhibit 1.2.23

Lazy

That's what I think the Netflix Recommendation Robot is getting.



If you follow the recommendations to their logical conclusion, it goes like this:

Chinatown-->China Town
China Town-->Ghost Town
Ghost Town-->Ghost Dad

Ghost Dad-->"Daddy" by Sylvia Plath

Exhibit 19.13

10 things I've learned about the Lincoln Saltdogs today, or, alternatively, 7 things about the Saltdogs then some stuff about robots

1. The Lincoln Saltdogs continue to exist
2. Tomorrow is pitcher David Humen's birthday
3. They're currently in last place
4. They're probably still better than the Royals
5. The promotion for June 14th is to not sell peanuts
6. I missed the auditions to sing the national anthem by several months
7. Pete Rose Jr. has not been on the team for five years
8. One of their pitchers is named 'III Cory' or, more likely, is a robot named Cory III9. As a robot, Cory III hasn't given up any runs but has been on the DL
10. A good joke for a robot pitcher going on the DL would be, "I hope he doesn't have to have Autommy Johns surgery."
11. It's unclear how Cory III affects the likelihood of a Base Wars-esque league where mortal men compete against machines
12. What is clear is that Michael Biehn would be the first overall pick in that league's human draft
13. How many hotdogs will it take to make me feel good if I go to tonight's game and there's not a robot pitcher?
14. Probably four

Exhibit 19.7

A Cumulative and Evolving List of the People I Would Want on My Team Should Any of the Following Occur: 1) War between Robots and Humanity Fought across Post-Nuclear Wastelands, 1983, and the Guns 'N Roses-Era 1990s; 2) War between Aliens and Humanity Fought in Space or on Recently Colonized Planets Undergoing Terraforming until Communication Break Down Following Mysterious Wreckage Discovery Being Investigated by a Team of Space Marines of which I am a Member; 3) War between Aliens and Robots and Humans Involving Any of the Previously Mentioned Conditions Excluding the Guns 'N Roses-Era 1990s Sub-Clause; 4) Rogue Marines Take Over Alcatraz and Threaten San Francisco with Stolen Chemical Weapons in Order to Force the United States Government to Acknowledge Their Fallen Comrades Whose Deaths Occurred During Illegal, Clandestine Missions and Who are Using Human Hostages to Prevent Direct Assault from Government Fighter Jets; 5) Scenario Identical to Scenario 4 Only the Disillusioned Marines are Using Hostile Aliens and/or Robots as Hostages; 6) All Prior Scenarios are Null and Void Should Any Coincidentally be Occurring in a Deep Sea Exploration Scenario Where High Pressure Nervous Syndrome Might Be a Possibility; 7) Maybe I Just Want to Talk through Some Stuff; 8) Amendment to Scenario 6, Not Null and Void If There are non-Water Based Hostile Aliens in the Deep Sea Exploration Scenario, Even if Said Aliens are Different than the Aliens at War with Humanity in Scenarios 2,3, and 5; 9) Whatever Happens in the Cancelled CBS Drama "The Magnificent Seven;" 10) Game of Horseshoes, "Polish" or standard; 11) Whatever Happens in the Cancelled CBS Drama "The Magnificent Seven" plus Aliens and Robots but Not Minus Shotguns; 12) A Predator is Running around and We Can't Find Danny Glover

1. Cross-Armed Michael Biehn


That's the list.

Exhibit 15.17

My Amazon.com Recommendation Robot knows me so poorly it makes my Netflix one seem like my spouse (or, more accurately, the woman who knocked on my door at midnight last night asking for gas money. We really got to know each other while discussing the wisdom and likelihood of her walking to the gas station when it was three below zero out). My current front page recommendation headlines:

* Pretty pendants under $30 (everyone knows I demand the best pretty pendants money can buy. $50 minimum)

* Save big on LeapFrog learning toys (probably because I looked at my own book yesterday and it naturally figured I was a kindergarten-level reader)

* Shop bestselling products from Optimum Nutrition (some kind of protein supplement company. Who told Amazon.com about my deltoids?)

* Save $20 when you spend $80 on Boys' New Balance shoes (I'll have you know I only buy Saucony athletic shoes. Plus, I step up to a man's size 6 in the months when I need heavier socks)

* Save up to 50% on Juniors' Dresses (I don't even want to know. It must think I'm either a profoundly confused individual or that I'm some be-childrened divorcee ala Randy Quaid's character in the noted McDonald's commercial Bye Bye Love)

* Bestsellers in LEGO Star Wars toys (Whoa...)

Okay, so that LEGO Star Wars one was a lucky guess, Amazon Recommendation Robot. And I do have a birthday coming up in March...Hint.

Exhibit 15.10

5 Things I Cannot Make My Netflix Recommendation Robot Believe

1. I do not want to see a movie called Tokyo Gore Police - This actually becomes less true every time I say, think, or write Tokyo Gore Police. When you get right down to it, I might actually want to see a movie called Tokyo Gore Police. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that the real problem here is that I'm embarrassed my Netflix Recommendation Robot knows I desperately want to see a movie called Tokyo Gore Police.

2. I do not live in Lincoln, Nebraska - I'm torn between avoiding the Local Favorites section and actually, you know, having my movies mailed to where I live. Is it worth it to change my address to something imaginary in Brooklyn if it means I don't get to actually watch the more interesting movies being recommended to me? Probably. You think I'm joking but here are the current Local Favorites:

• 
  The Jeff Dunham Very Special Christmas Special - Basically, blue collar comedy done by a ventriloquist with stereotypical dummies like a redneck and a dead terrorist. No, I don't know how or why I know this.
  
  Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story - Something about Dakota Fanning and horses. Inspirational. Presumably someone has cancer. I really hope it's not the horse.
  
  Though None Go With Me - I'd never heard of this one so I'll let Netflix's description speak for itself, "Based on the acclaimed book by Jerry Jenkins, this Hallmark Channel family drama stars Cheryl Ladd as Elizabeth Leroy Bishop, a dedicated Christian who devotes herself to serving God. Spanning 50 years, the film highlights the unwavering faith of Elizabeth, who endures heartbreaking loss and tragedy while on her spiritual journey, ultimately learning that her piety has transformed others."
  
  Facing the Giants - A religious movie about a football coach who puts his life in god's hands and finds a stronger purpose and salvation. I assume this means he institutes the A-11 offense.
  
  Molly: An American-Girl Story - Okay, so this one I've already seen. Four stars.

3. I do not want to rate The Motorcycle Diaries - There, I said it. I didn't watch it. Stop asking. I'm sure it's great, but after two weeks I had to move on. You should consider this one a win, Netflix Recommendation Robot, as that was two weeks I wasn't hogging Tokyo Gore Police from everyone else in this town. That's why they all had to settle for Facing the Giants.

4. I do not want to see Alien³ - I'm not sure what it is about my having seen Alien, Aliens, and Alien: Resurrection that makes it think I want to see Alien³, but I assure you I do not want and have never wanted to see it. I've never even heard of Alien³.

5. On a related noted, I do want to see Aliens vs. Predator 2 - I don't know why my giving the first one only one star would make anyone think I wouldn't be in line to see this. I mean, it's Aliens. Fighting Predators. With tortured explanations as to why Aliens are fighting Predators. It's only the local favorite of a little place called my heart.

I quit.