Exhibit 19.18

Be Prepared for Literally Anything

This course description comes courtesy of Z. who found it while looking for a Medieval Baskets class for under $10 and came away doubly disappointed.

Primitive Baskets
Have you ever found yourself in a primitive or survival situation, with nothing but your hands to carry all of the food and game that you were finding and capturing along the way? No? If you ever were, you might be interested to know that you actually could do something about it, if you only knew how to make a basket! In this class we will learn techniques for making several types of baskets using all natural, local supplies. And as a group, we will construct either a melon basket or a sapling basket (both, if the class is large enough) using the same primitive techniques used by the indigenous cultures for ages. Tuition: $12

Well, have you? Huh? Huh? No, I suppose not. If you had, you'd have starved to death basketless and alone in a state park somewhere instead of having accidentally found this blog while looking for stock photos of kittens.

If you'd like to look at any of SCC's other fine summer classes, the catalog is right here. I'm already signed up for the one about doubling my mind power. So if you notice me blogging twice as hard come fall, you'll know why.

God, there are going to be so many posts about kittens...

Exhibit 19.13

10 things I've learned about the Lincoln Saltdogs today, or, alternatively, 7 things about the Saltdogs then some stuff about robots

1. The Lincoln Saltdogs continue to exist
2. Tomorrow is pitcher David Humen's birthday
3. They're currently in last place
4. They're probably still better than the Royals
5. The promotion for June 14th is to not sell peanuts
6. I missed the auditions to sing the national anthem by several months
7. Pete Rose Jr. has not been on the team for five years
8. One of their pitchers is named 'III Cory' or, more likely, is a robot named Cory III9. As a robot, Cory III hasn't given up any runs but has been on the DL
10. A good joke for a robot pitcher going on the DL would be, "I hope he doesn't have to have Autommy Johns surgery."
11. It's unclear how Cory III affects the likelihood of a Base Wars-esque league where mortal men compete against machines
12. What is clear is that Michael Biehn would be the first overall pick in that league's human draft
13. How many hotdogs will it take to make me feel good if I go to tonight's game and there's not a robot pitcher?
14. Probably four

Exhibit 18.10

University Scandal Showdown

Hazing Scandal at the University of Nebraska vs. Homeless Killing at the University of Houston

Crime
Hazing vs. Shooting a Sleeping Homeless Guy

Here in Lincoln the local papers and newscasters have had to repeatedly describe the hazing as there's no euphemism for, um, what happened. There certainly should be one though. Have we used "taking in an Astros game" for anything yet?

Victim
Name Withheld vs. Joe David Tall

Diagnosed as a schizophrenic at 15, on the streets at 19, homeless for 30 years, and then shot while sleeping by some student who thinks he's Charles Bronson. Man, that's a tragic life. There are about 60 students in a fraternity house in Lincoln who think what is happening to them right now is unfair. Fellas, the world is a much darker than you realize and at the moment you are part of the problem.

Perpetrator
Some Stripper vs. Some Student

E. says her Sigma Chi student swore it was the stripper's idea to, you know, take that pledge to the Astros game. I'm certainly no expert on these matters, but that seems about as likely as a rich, handsome john falling in love with a prostitute and taking her to business meetings and stuff.

What do you meant that's the plot of Pretty Woman? I've never seen it. No, really. Lucky guess, I suppose. [whistles as walking away]

Reaction
Awkward Silence vs. Insanity

The best thing you can say after looking at both articles is that at least there aren't comments on the hazing scandal one. If there were, most of them would look like this:

HuskersCrouch7 - Can they say that in the paper?
RedNLincoln - Seriously, my grandparents read this paper.
GrandParents - Do they still make pledges "win the Atlantic Theatre"?


Well, I hope we've all learned something. Only the worst of us choose such easy victims, we need to do more to help those who fall through the cracks, and anything can sound dirty when put in quotation marks.

Exhibit 17.10

Someone decided to make a sculpture of their sadness.

This happens at least once a month at the building next to mine. Big men come and move some escaped and delinquent renter's stuff to the street. They put the clothes in black yard-waste bags and throw the televisions, dressers, toys, and the rest of their stuff onto the grass.

The entire neighborhood then picks over these abandoned possessions which never amount to nearly as much as you might think.

(And I do mean entire neighborhood. Where do you think I got these pants? If you said my mom bought them for me at J.C. Penney's, well...shut up.)

It always ends the same way: a broken chair and a box spring leaning against each other.

It's going to rain this afternoon.

Exhibit 14.10

Updated Map of My Neighborhood


Since I last updated the map the city has added several more holes which close off both of my convenient routes to work unless I want to find myself enholed. And by work I, of course, mean going to the plasma center and dropping a few pints to buy a few pints.

It's okay if you didn't laugh. That's just our little plasma donating joke. It's not for everyone.

Oh, and I discovered which of my neighbors is using a garage to run a home mechanic business which really seems to be booming. I badly want to take my car there, but I feel like there might be a code I don't know. And my car is working okay. Still, it's nice to know they're around fixing cars and using a code.

Anyway, for the moment, my route to work looks like this:

And I don't even get to drive by the Nehru Memorial Museum anymore.

Exhibit 14.8

Lincoln is the healthiest city in America according to this report which was presumably done in order to prop up the struggling soft news sector. Basically, more people in Lincoln said their health was good (or better) than any other city in America, something that might say more about our wholesome, Midwestern sense of propriety than anything else.

You: How's your health?
Lincoln: Good!
You: How's your unquestioned loyalty to conservatives working?
Lincoln: Good!
You: Wie ist Ihr Deutscher?
Lincoln: Gut!
You: How would you describe those mafioso fellas?
Lincoln: Goodfellas!
You: What's that Keenan and Kel movie you love called?
Lincoln: Good Burger!
You: Pretend you're praising a dog.
Lincoln: Good boy!
You: This grows tiresome.
Lincoln: Goodnight!
You: Where can I drop off my unruly 17-year-old?
Lincoln: Anywhere!

Ah, I worked so hard for that one safe haven joke. Sigh.

Actually, the only reason I even mention the report is because it also contains the first definitive evidence that everyone in Huntington, West Virginia, is a whiny malcontent (a fact we've all suspected). Only 68% of their residents said their health was good to which 100% of Americans said, "Oh, let me play you a song on the world's tiniest violin, you dying wussies."

15% of Americans also said, "Love it or leave it." though they would have said this to anything.

Exhibit 4.10

As if there wasn't already a fantastic poetry reading this week, The Clean Part Reading Series is back with another absurdly great lineup of poets.

Ana Bozicevic-Bowling
Julia Cohen
Ken Rumble

The triumvirate will not only read incredible verse to a packed house, they will also take on all comers in three-on-three basketball. They're that good.

Be there: Saturday, October 27 at the Sheldon Memorial Art Gallery, 7pm.

(P.S. In case you haven't been paying attention, poets that will have read in Lincoln, Nebraska in the year 2007: Bozicevic-Bowling, Cohen, Rumble, Tynes, Bredle, Arrieu-King, Lasky, Foust, Hawkey, Poteat, Titus, Sims, Bar-Nadav, Dumanis, Florian, Browning, Doxsee, Campbell, Nakayasu, Dunn, and that list is hardly complete nor does it take into account all of the fantastic poets who read at the No-Name Reading Series or the Nebraska Summer Writers' Conference or those brought in by UNL. Nice work, Poetry).

Exhibit 3.25

Graham Foust

Tonight at Nebraska Wesleyan's Callen Conference Center. 7pm. You have to go. You have to read his book, book, and book.

As a former student of Graham's, I can confirm that picture is accurate. He is, in fact, a one-handed cartoon. That won't be why you are in awe.