Exhibit 23.11

Personal Safety Alert

So I mentioned the university here sends out emails whenever the neighborhood it hates so much encroaches on its precious learning environment. Usually these personal safety alerts aren't quite so funny/racially problematic. This one, however:

Suspect Description: Black male approximately 19 years of age. Short statue, thin build, dark complexion, hair style like worn by actor Will Smith. Wearing a black hoody and blue jeans.

So, to sum up, a black guy with hair allegedly robbed someone who was unfamiliar with the work of the more age appropriate Nick Cannon.

Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.

Exhibit 18.6

This morning there was some graffiti in my office's parking garage stairwell. It said something like "Smoking Nugs/Shooting Pigs," and there was a woman from a different office reading it when I came down the stairs.

Woman: That's just horrible.
Me: (stops to read) What's a nug?
Woman: I know what a pig is and that's sick.
Me: Do you think it means smoking like cigarettes or smoking like killing?
Woman: My niece's husband Larry is a cop.
Me: I'd think drugs, right, but since the next line is about killing cops maybe smoking here means smoking like killing. Like, could it have the same meaning if it said 'smoking nugs and cops'?
Woman:
Me: But it's pretty specific about the shooting, too. You know, I think it must mean smoking like cigarettes. But now we're back to nugs.
Woman: Poor Larry.
Me: Hey, I bet Larry would know what 'nugs' are! Let's ask him.
Woman: We should ride up on separate elevators.

Clearly I should have just talked to L. Kent.

Anyway, thank god I didn't catch the kids while they were doing this.

Me: Hey, what are nugs?
Kids: Back off before we smoke you.
Me: Now when you say smoke...
Kids:
Me: Let's ask Larry!
Kids: This imaginary conversation is not chronologically consistent with your previous imaginary conversation.

Damn kids.

Exhibit 16.19

Dear Octopus Books:

I have a problem. I wore my Octopus Books t-shirt and people kept asking me if I was wearing a t-shirt with my own picture on it. This wasn't the problem. The problem was that I kept saying, "Yes, I am wearing a t-shirt with my own picture on it. Hi, I'm Todd Octopus."

I don't even see the resemblance.


Todd Octopus


Me


Jürgen Prochnow


Thank you for your time,

A.

Exhibit 14.21

Problems with Winter 1-3

1. I am pretty sure I'm not the correct temperature. My arms are warm, my toes are cold, and the inside of my head--about where I imagine my elementary school memories are--is on fire. I've already forgotten about that time we went on vacation and that other time a bad thing happened to a kid I knew. Also, I think my fourth grade teacher smelled like spent matches, but maybe that's just my memory turning to kindling.

2. My ice scraper was felled by this morning's lake-like sheet of ice on my windshield. This problem is much more solvable than #1 which is too bad as #1 seems to indicate something unsettling about my physical and/or mental health.

3. My apartment is 58 degrees. This is unsolvable but goes a long way to contribute to #1 and has no impact on #2. I actually don't mind this so much as it allows me to wear the sweatpants I've had since that time in the fifth grade when everyone was horribly burned.