Exhibit 5.18

I should probably point out that Drake University's basketball team is 9-1 and starting to get articles like this written about them.

Exhibit 5.17

I'm taking a break from being a shameless, shameless shill to update you on some recent sports developments: (in reverse order of importance)


Royals sign Ron Mahay!

If I told you that the Royals signed a 36-year-old left-handed situational reliever, how much would you guess they had to pay? If you said $5 million dollars, you're off by a full $3 million.

I swear to god, the fact that Ron Mahay gets $8 million dollars over the next two years is going to make me teach my child how to throw a curveball before he learn how to ride a bike. The worst part is that this can only be considered a good, slightly below market deal for the Royals. In fact, I'm all for it.

But, jesus, Ron Mahay? I mean, really? Mahay? $8 million?

This is the best day for a Mahay since Steve caught that fish that one time. Good for all of them, I say.


Royals sign Jose Guillen

Actually, scratch that about teaching my future son--let's call him Brautigan--to throw a curve. I'm teaching little Brautigan how to order HGH over the Internet with a prescription from a shady dentist in Florida. Contract: 3 years, $36 million.


If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team makes the finals.

It all comes down to this after a not particularly close match up against my archenemy. Now I'm playing the other conference's champ and need a big week to win it all. Let's take a look at the matchup: (his player first [and if you know nothing about fantasy, note that only the team's performance as a whole matters and not these particular matchups])

Team Name - Team Skeet Ulrich vs. If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team. Advantage: If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team. Still, strange we both named our teams after actors. I'm giving myself the advantage because I was first and my actor is better.

QB - Ben Roethlisberger vs. Sage Rosenfels. Advantage: Um, let's just say it's not Sage. Good god, I'm screwed. Ben has actually already played and had a great though not insurmountable performance. I'm playing Sage under the theory that the Colts will pull all of their starters in the second half (they have nothing left to play for). Oh, there's also the theory that Eli Manning is horrible (you hear that, Eli, it's over between us. For real this time. We tried to make it work.)

I know all I need is a respectable performance from Sage and he did fine for me last week, but I just can't feel good about this. This is where I lose.

RB - Fred Taylor vs. Wills McGahee. Advantage: Push. I actually prefer McGahee here slightly but Taylor has been great all month. Still, I don't really trust him and feel like he's do for a let down week as MJD steps up to carry more of the load. Oddly, my opponent originally had McGahee starting in this spot so we'd have the same guy going. If it were my call, I'd go McGahee because I think he's a better bet to score, but it's hard to sit a guy who rushed for 150 yards last week.

By the way, I may have just been making myself feel better right there. I stand by my hunch, but you should know the consensus says Taylor is probably a better play.

RB - Joseph Addai vs. Jamal Lewis. Advantage: Push. Again, I feel okay with this because I think Addai sits for awhile. Think about it, the Colts can't hurt or improve their playoff position. They have a young RB who isn't exactly a load carrier and has really slowed down since the middle of the season. They have backups they like and work in a lot anyway. Why would they play him at all? If I was the other team, I'd go with McGahee in this spot. I think Addai gets two series tops.

Still, I'm going with a push here because I don't want to jinx Lewis who has a fantastic matchup, is on a team playing for something, and is really hitting his stride. I can't believe I'm saying this about a convicted felon, but I'd trust Lewis with my fictional son Brautigan's life this week.

WR - Greg Jennings vs. Randy Moss. Advantage: Moss. Here's where my team starts to show it's strength. The other team has solid but streaky receivers. Jennings is good, but I'll take my chances with Mr. Moss.

WR - Steve Smith vs. Reggie Wayne. Advantage: Wayne. I'm pretty sure I'll take one half of Reggie Wayne catching passes from Peyton Manning over a full game of Steve Smith catching passes from Matt Moore (who, incidentally, I think I went to grade school with).

Here's a pretty good test for QBs: If you have a name like an Arena League player, you'll probably end up being an Arena League player. Marino, Elway, Farve, Romo, etc. all have great names. Matt Moore sounds like he should be MVP of the Sioux Falls Sidewinders.

WR - Reggie Williams vs. Santonio Holmes. Advantage: Holmes. Holmes has already played and scored a nice 18 points. I have a hard time seeing Williams matching that as he's only done it twice all season. He's a WR that needs to catch a TD to have any value. Here's hoping he doesn't.

TE - Vernon Davis vs. Antonio Gates. Advantage: Who knows? Gates would be the consensus pick as he's the best TE in the game, but he's been so flaky lately that it's hard to say which Gates is going to show up.

Vernon Davis on the other hand is possibly the greatest combination of size, speed, and flexibility since Bo Jackson. Except he's not very good at football. Seriously though, he looks great running in those Under Armour commercials.

K - Phil Dawson vs. Josh Brown. Advantage: Dawson. Not that it really matters.

Defense - New England (against, gulp, Miami) vs. Minnesota (against Washington). Advantage: New England. Both are great plays, honestly, but anytime you get a 14-0 team against a 1-13 team, you take that matchup if you can get it. Sigh. I want the Dolphins to win far more than I want to win this fantasy championship.


Dolphins hire Bill Parcells to head up football operations.

Let's ignore the fact that Bill Parcells leaves every job he takes. That he has the body type of Gloop and Gleep from The Herculoids. That he is 66 and has heart problems. That he's kind of a jerk.

The guy wins. Good hire.

Exhibit 5.16

My Untimely Death by Adam Peterson is now available from Subito Press.

My little book My Untimely Death is now out. You can order it by sending $10 to:

Subito Press
Department of English
University of Colorado at Boulder
Hellems 101
226 UCB
Boulder, CO 80309-0226

I assume you should include a note asking for my book specifically though I imagine you'd be thrilled with any of them. You can also check out their website here though be warned: it's absurdly cool yet nearly impossible to navigate your first time. Using it is literally harder than learning to fly which, incidentally, you'll need to know how to do in order to use it.

The book is perfect bound, 56 pages, and has an ISBN number of 0-9801098-1-7. The folks at Subito did an amazing job, and I couldn't be happier with how it turned out. Please support them by picking one up and then let me know what you think of it. I'll have some pictures and maybe a short excerpt or two up later.

Oh, and don't tell my Grandma about this yet. I mean, if you see her.

Exhibit 5.15

DOLPHINS WIN! DOLPHINS WIN!

Exhibit 5.14

I don't even know how long I've been in California anymore. After Disneyland yesterday, the only things I know are the lyrics to "it's a small world" and the rapidly inflating price of a churro.

Ride Grades

Indiana Jones: A
Space Mountain: C+
Matterhorn: Broken Rib
Thunder Mountain: B
Pirates of the Caribbean: 3 Johnny Depps
Tower of Terror: A+
My Body Mass Index according to lamest ride ever: 29
29 BMI = Dangerously overweight
Dangerously Overweight: No
Cotton Candy: Delicious
Splash Mountain: B
Number of Inside Jokes: One One
it's a small world: it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all,

Exhibit 5.13

California Day Three-Four

In 'N Out Burger double double driving

Driving Takashi Murakami MOCA



Inochi, you are alive!



Dali at the LACMA

Ants ants ants film with ants

Dali's three American Surrealists: Harpo Marx, Walt Disney, and Cecil B. DeMille

Destino



Brunch driving card games

Fewer nickels

Exhibit 5.12

California Day Two

Sunshine dog walk harness sure to pick up

Pancakes

Sports bar Dolphins sad halftime goodbye

Rock Rose Gallery classical guitar clarinet tangos amazing super fun good time

Chimay Cuban pork industrial bar

Exhibit 5.11

California Day One

AM ice nearly in ditch late dog in bag

Tiny plane baby bagel package to head crying kicking singalong

Ontario lost coffee nap nap spectrum

Poke bowl asahi good choice

Golf beer stein thrill of victory

2 dollars and uncountable nickels richer

Exhibit 5.10

Fantasy football recap.

The Lincoln Hawks (7-6, fifth place)

Due to poor managerial skills, I've lost quite a few close games with this team and now need another team to lose (while I win) in order to back into the playoffs where I will be promptly crushed. I now understand why managers in all sports continue to run the same players out there over and over expecting a different result. Sooner or later, Steve Smith has to have a good game, right? Um, right?

Well, not right apparently. I think this season effectively answered the question of whether or not I should be put in charge of a major sports team. Given the opportunity, I would totally give Jason LaRue 150 at bats or leave Pedro Martinez in the game another inning or keep Ricky Thenarse on the bench or trade for AJ Feeley. I play favorites and hunches worse than anyone with my fantasy football team. That's probably why I have yet to accept Steve Smith as a disaster. I mean, he's Steve Smith.

Anyway, I've got a good feeling about him this week. Plus, I just don't like that Ronald Curry.

This week's quote from team namesake and Swift Transportation CEO Lincoln Hawk(s): "The world meets no one halfway."

If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team (8-5, first place)

This team also went a little south since Randy Moss became human again, but it was still enough to capture first place heading into this week's opening playoff round. I feel okay about my chances right up until the moment I remember Eli Manning is prominently involved. Tom Coughlin, the entire NY Giants team, and his dad all feel the same way. I would actually like to get a drink with those guys just so we could all commiserate together. Then Eli would probably walk in and we'd all have to pretend that we were talking about Dancing with the Stars. Eli would probably take up that conversation enthusiastically and disappoint us all over again.

This is how you think when you rely on Eli Manning.

My team actually peaked already, but, as with Interpol and the first season of Heroes, I'm just pretending it didn't peak too early. Ideally Frank Gore wouldn't have played like a guy who's had major operations on both of his knees and I could have spun him for a quarterback, but it's too late for that now. My lineup going into this week:

QB - Eli Manning. I hate even typing it, but who else do I go with? Schaub is hurt and the best pick up option is Sage Rosenfels (who, and this is not a joke, dresses up like a clown and does children's birthday parties in the offseason. How can I feel okay with him?)

RB - Jamal Lewis. That nice playoff schedule is finally paying off.

RB - Willis McGahee. Gets the start over Gore but only because Gore has been absolutely awful. In fact, I think Gore is friends with Steve Smith.

WR - Randy Moss. The magic is still there, isn't it, Randy? I feel like a child pleading with his now alcoholic father to come back home and make things like they used to be. In fact, I'd say that's pretty much exactly the situation here. Remember how nice Halloween was, Randy? Christmas could be like that, be like it used to be, when things were good.

WR - Reggie Wayne. I honestly think this season might kill Reggie Wayne. Toward the end of last week's Colts game poor Reggie was limping downfield with four guys draped over him and still making catches. The Colts are not winning anything unless Marvin Harrison comes back.

WR - Patrick Crayton. Getting the start because I can't trust that Santonio Holmes will play. He was solid for me last week, and I like anyone who sticks with the full 'Patrick' and doesn't eventually breakdown and let everyone call him 'Pat.' That shows he's got guts. Thinking--and sincerely believing--things like this is how my managerial career would go south.

TE - Antonio Gates. Last week's 1 catch for -1 yard performance didn't happen. You hear me? Didn't happen. (On a more serious note, the QB I wanted to trade for earlier this year was Philip Rivers. Thank god both my friend Justin and I are idiots otherwise that might have happened. If both teams could redo that 2004 NFL draft again, would they bother trading those stiffs for each other or would they just say pass and sign Sage Rosenfels to be QB/Birthday Clown?)

(Take another look at the top of that 2004 draft by the way. It went bad, bad, great but moody, tragedy, finally blooming after some horrific seasons but moody, legitimately good and not a cancer, a cancer who got in a fight with coach, horrible, horrible. In other words, I feel lucky the Dolphins didn't end up with a guy who is now in prison.)

K - Josh Brown. He's a kicker and, as far as I know, not a clown in the offseason.

Def - Minnesota Vikings. I love that I was able to pick these guys up as free agents two weeks ago after going with some truly horrible defenses all year. They're good.

That's it. That is everything I know about fantasy football.

Exhibit 5.9

Earlier tonight a woman called my phone and left a breathless message saying she really needed Madison's costume. Unsure of what to do with this information, I got out some fabric and cardboard and sparkles and glue. I hope Madison likes turtles. Sparkly turtles.

Exhibit 5.8

Real football recap.

This season could not have gone any worse for my two "real" "teams" but thankfully my fantasy teams have been picking up the slack. I'm one more bad Dolphins loss away from starting to send messages to the Dolphins front office like, "Hey, maybe you should have traded for Randy Moss." I'll even write the messages on dollar bills from my fantasy football winnings to prove my point(s).

My point(s): They could have had Randy Moss for nothing/Some kid in Nebraska won a couple bucks playing fantasy football and he wants to spend his money tormenting the Dolphins

Miami Dolphins (0-12)
Here's my take on going winless over the season: Since about week six when people actually started talking about this, I've been of the opinion that a win was inevitable. This happens every year in one way or another, and the commentators and columnists work themselves up over a near impossibility until a team wins or loses or a record doesn't get broken and we all remember that it's a hard game won as often with luck as skill.

Take a look at this article. It's a few weeks old, but the gist is that the Dolphins are not only not the worst team of all-time but they aren't even the worst team in the league and sooner or later they'll win a game because they can't continue to be unlucky forever. Basically this guy justified with statistics what I'd believed and probably told you about if you were ever unfortunate enough to mention the Dolphins around me.

This doesn't make me feel better. I want to make that clear. I bring it up not to say the Dolphins aren't the worst team in the league--they are--but to illustrate that even though statistics, logic, and history all insist that the Dolphins will win one game this year, I'm no longer certain it will happen.

The similarity between a quest like the Patriots' quest to go undefeated and the Dolphins quest to go, well, defeated is that both are the kind of epochal events that deep down we want to see happen. Historically good and historically bad become markers of an era and barometers for the future and it's in everyone's interest to see these dramas played out as even if a team comes up short it can invigorate the game. There's no great conspiracy here, but it's no accident the Patriots got every call towards the end of last Monday's somewhat tainted win over the Ravens and that the Dolphins have lost twice as many games by 3 points or fewer (6) than the next closest team.

It's not about the refs for the Dolphins--though, in a few games, it sort-of was--it's about every other team wanting to avoid the ignominy of losing to an 0-12 team. It's a powerful motivator which tends to create what we usually call luck.

Team MVP: Old Chicago's Double Deckoroni pizza. They haven't won since I've started ordering this, but it is delicious.

Team LVP: Um...

Coach: Let's just say I no longer feel so great about the Cam "Cameron" Cameron reign. Now, I'm not saying they should fire the guy after only one season, but it now has to be in the discussion. I don't know if there is anything more emasculating to an NFL coach than to get fired as head coach and then come back as an assistant coach--we should ask Gunther Cunningham--but I'm now fully on board with trying to retain Cam as an offensive coordinator with a new head coach. I know that won't happen. I know a lot of things won't happen.

Nebraska Cornhuskers (season over)
There's a new coach with a great slogan so they've got that going for them. Bo Big Red should be interesting if nothing else. I hope after our next K-State victory he goes and punches Bill Snyder. I know Bill Snyder is no longer the coach, I just want him to do it anyway.

MVP: Marlon Lucky? I guess. Maybe I'm forgetting someone, but I honestly have no idea who to put here. It's not that Lucky, Keller, Purify, and Ganz didn't all have their moments, but no one really took over for this team. In other words, they went 5-7.

LVP: Let's just say I knowingly didn't put any defensive players on that list of performers.

Coach: The newspaper headlines write themselves here. Bo Big Red! Bo Knows Defense! Bo Bridges Crimson Tide! And, even if it doesn't work out, the Custer County Chief can run with the headline 'Broken Bo'.

I could do this all day.


Fantasy recap coming tomorrow.

Exhibit 5.7

My elbow is killing me after playing Wii Sports baseball over the weekend. I threw a no hitter against the computer and my Mii went 2-2 with a HR, double, and 2 RBIs. Of course, I now need Tommy John surgery, but it was worth it. As I told several disinterested parties, I would do it all again in order to beat my arch nemesis Akira.

No matter what anyone tells you, I definitely didn't create back stories for my players or make unbreakable judgments about the relative skills of each identical player.

Exhibit 5.6

T H E C L E A N P A R T

Cynthia Arrieu-King
Jason Bredle
Jen Tynes

6:30 tonight at Jones Coffee
(11 & G)

Note the time, venue, and font change.

Exhibit 5.5

I watched The Silent Partner last night and it's pretty fantastic, full of intrigue and 70s-era Elliott Gould and more intrigue. Gould plays a staid Toronto bank worker who spots a man casing the bank and decides to steal most of the money himself during the robbery attempt. The robber, Christopher Plummer, is understandably upset (though why it causes him to start wearing very sinister eyeliner the rest of the movie is unclear) and begins to harass Gould into giving up the loot.

The movie starts to click with Plummer on the loose, and each time it begins to feel like a by-the-numbers caper drama, Plummer shows up to act like a sociopath. Surprising even himself, Gould proves both willing to fight for the money and effective at it. He has wits and Plummer has violence, but both are cold, methodical men. The emotional torpor that stagnates Gould in his personal life allows him to react to Plummer's threats as just another transaction to be handled as if at his teller counter.

Eye liner and all, Plummer is pretty incredible here though I wonder if he would have been without the clothes of the era. Even when we see him briefly in prison, he's wearing a wide-collared shirt unbuttoned to the bottom of his sternum and tight, tall pants that prominently display a belt he sometimes wields as a weapon. If they made this movie today, he'd probably be played as a suit-wearing criminal sophisticate rather than the strutting sex criminal he is here.

Other notes:

•This movie also has a young John Candy as an awkward, chubby cuckold. It's the role he was born to play.

•The first third or so of the movie takes place in December, and everyone keeps saying Merry Christmas to Elliott Gould's character without so much as a Happy Holidays. Apparently Hanukkah didn't come to Canada until 1984.

•Curtis Hanson wrote the screenplay. I don't know what this means, except that Curtis Hanson has been around a long time.

•Somehow Christopher Plummer has aged 125 years since this movie was made. Look at him now:

Good god. Whatever Christopher Plummer has done, you shouldn't do.

Exhibit 5.4

I've been vaguely aware of the name 'Peterson' popping up a lot on news sites I read. I hadn't actually looked at any of the articles as I was pretty sure they weren't about my fantasy football exploits and I haven't really done anything else of note since high school debate. The articles all seemed to be about some Peterson's wife being murdered and I assumed it was a rehashing of the Laci Peterson thing. For the first time I clicked on one of the articles today and it turns out yet another Peterson has allegedly murdered his wife. For some reason, this has really captured the nation's attention again.

This time the guy--Drew Peterson (not to be confused with Scott Peterson)--possibly killed his 3rd and 4th wives, one of whom is named Stacy Peterson (not to be confused with Laci Peterson). You know who's worried right now? Mrs. Traci Peterson.

For those keeping track, the most famous Petersons of recent memory are:

Scott Peterson (murderer)
Drew Peterson (murderer)
Norm Peterson (fictional drunk)
Cassandra Peterson (Elvira)
Adrian Peterson (murderer of defenses)

Thank god the Petersons have Adrian, otherwise I might be changing my name to something with fewer negative connotations like Simpson or Dahmer or maybe Stalin.

UPDATE: Heather reminded me of Kelsey Peterson, the Nebraska teacher who recently ran away with her 13-year-old student. This was mostly a Nebraska case, but still, what the hell is wrong with the Petersons? And it's all people who spell it the right way, too. Now, people named Pederson or Petersen, those people have something to be upset about.