Exhibit 1.1.6

Things

* Here's a piece by Carlin at Hobart. You'll want to support both Carlin and Hobart. One of them is huge and the other is named Carlin.

* Quick thoughts on the Royals shopping Zack Greinke: they should. It's basically an admission the team is going to be horrible until 2013 (and maybe not even then), but that's really the situation whether Greinke is on the team or not. I love the guy, but it doesn't seem like he wants to be there anymore and I can't blame him. Nor can I blame the Royals for selling out for the future.

* Seriously though, if they sign Jeff Francoeur, I reserve the right to quit life until Wil Myers makes everything right again. If the team is doing it, I don't see why I can't.

* I enjoy No Robo Tumblr. Look, I don't know what Tumblr is. I just learned what Twitter is and even then I mostly use it to update people on how into sweatpants I currently am (very).

* Did you remember there is a new Cupboard? There's a new Cupboard. It's really awesome. Tell your friends, give it as a gift, tumblr a review. I'm doing that right, right? Tumbl?

* Quick update on my fantasy football team: last place, season over, thank god.

* The bar in Houston that has Cornhole is creating a sensation among North-Easterners who weren't familiar with the game. That is until I introduce Beer Pole and blow everyone's minds.

* If someone asked me to cover a Christmas song, I too would have gone with "Holiday Road." Granted, it's not about Christmas anymore than my second choice is: Everclear's "Santa (Monica)."

* The actual choice would be Petty's "Christmas All Over Again." The last choice would be one of those songs done by barking dogs though I'm hoping Tom Waits takes up that challenge over at the A.V. Club.

Exhibit 25.1

Earth Day

On the freeway today, a bird flew into my car. I choose to believe it survived because it's Earth Day. I choose to believe it was trying to give me a hug.

I feel bad. About the bird.

Exhibit 22.23

Things I Talked about at Thanksgiving

1. Stuffing

2. Bocce

3. Alan Alda

4. The People I Was Inexplicably Acting Like When Given Access to a Computer

5. Giving Thanks

Exhibit 17.22

I Debate the Date of Easter with My Mom

Me: So I'll see you Sunday.
Mom: Yep, I'll see you on Easter.
Me:
Mom: Easter is Sunday.
Me: No, I think we already had Easter.
Mom:
Me: This Sunday? Really?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Is that why everyone is coming down?
Mom: Everyone is coming down for a baseball game. It's just a coincidence.
Me: But you're still going to have some Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, right?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Awesome.

This conversation more or less happens every holiday. Only the seasonal Reese's shape changes.

Exhibit 15.3

Merry Christmas

Exhibit 14.14

Post-Thanksgiving Thoughts

I really meant to post something over the long weekend but instead I got sucked into killing time in other, less common ways like avoiding the repeatedly proffered horseradish-cranberry dressing and awkwardly handling what I'm told is "my" shotgun. The aftermath:

*November was my least bloggy month since...last November. The lesson here is that I'm easily distracted by holidays I don't enjoy. Keep this in mind when you check for posts during National Radon Action Month.

*During an extended period of Friday malaise brought about by a bad writing day, I found myself watching television and caught four minutes of what I assume is the worst movie ever made (even the title is awesomely bad, not to mention the tagline).

Here's the story: I was flipping channels and caught Delroy Lindo. Turns out, I stop flipping channels for Delroy Lindo. I actually enjoy knowing this about myself.

Anyway, I then saw Kirstie Alley who appears to be playing a mentally challenged person. I could tell because she's slurring her words, talking in a high voice, and generally acting like she was ten. Let me save you the time looking this up: no, she did not win an Oscar. I was captivated by this performance like it was a train wreck on the deck of the Titanic which just hit the Hindenburg--give me a second to run a hyperbole check....nope, that's about right--but then it got even worse/better because she started badgering a reluctant Delroy Lindo to propose to her.

Now, I'd been watching about thirty seconds of this movie so I had no grounding for what was happening, but I was convinced that Delroy Lindo's character was flustered because he wasn't mentally challenged and was just trying to find a nice way to say no. When he finally proposes, he looks like he's just been given a death sentence (which I assume is what Kirstie Alley's career was given after this performance! Snark!). So I turn off the TV and assume that our man Delroy is about to go buy some candy rings and find a janitor to pull off some kind of fake wedding when I look up the movie on IMDb and find out that they were both supposed to be mentally challenged.

Frankly, I like this even more because it means Delroy Lindo and Kirstie Alley had to have this conversation on the first day of shooting:

Delroy: Oh, are you going to do it like that?
Kirstie: Yes. How are you going to do it?
Delroy: Um, I'm going to do it a different way.
Kirstie: Different how?
Delroy: I don't know, I was thinking dignified.
Kirstie: Youz gotz to get down on you kneeses to propos!

*As you can tell, it was a very memorable four minutes of watching the Lifetime Movie Network for me.

*James has me rethinking wearing ringer t-shirts. So there's that. It was great to see him again, but I'm not sure he and his fiance had to deconstruct my carefully thought out "Guy who wears ringer t-shirts" persona so quickly. Or maybe they did.

*Also good to see: my cousin Chris (who has gotten bigger), Tyrone and Julee (who are the same great sizes), and my beloved grandmas (who are possibly smaller but still big in heart).

*The Dolphins now control their own playoff destiny, but it would mean winning two tough divisional road games. I would put their chances somewhere close to the odds that I finish The World According to Garp by the time the company book club meets.

*Oh, and I no longer have a brother. I can handle the turkey hunting, I can handle you not picking me up for Thanksgiving, but I draw the line at costing me 1st place.

*You're getting close to crossing the line, too, Kaitlin, Dad, Brett, Dan Marino, Justin, weather, upstairs neighbor, and Jeff Tweedy.

Exhibit 8.12

I hate April Fool's Day. I don't know who's responsible for it--probably the Australians--but a responsible democratic populace needs to have faith in the newspapers, television stations, and video game news websites it relies on for information.

Take these hoaxes from North Platte, Nebraska's local paper:

Kids learn too at hazardous waste collection day
-Ha! Everyone knows Hazardous Waste Collection day is in May. Nice try.

Totally nude bar scheduled to open Friday
-Ha! The 'totally' nude bar has been open for years. They must be referring to the new 'utterly' nude bar that is opening in the old Blimpie.

68 people arrested at Dawson County party
-Ha! They meant to say Sherman County.

NP man remains in grave condition after bar fight
-Wait, where was it at? Kelsey's Place? Actually, this one sounds about right. Never mind.

If I were to do April Fool's Day pranks, they'd probably be about Shelley Long. Maybe something about her coming back to television to do a Cheers spin-off. Maybe it would be called Cheer Up! Oh, but I can't joke about something I want so very deeply to be true.