Exhibit 27.25

Fantasy Football Postmortem

I know, I know, no one cares. I don't even care. I only update the roster each week to fantasy honor the fantasy spirit of the fantasy game. But now I'm starting to care again because I think my team might be historically bad. Here are my first five picks in the draft and their ranking on the season.

Round 1, 11th overall - Ryan Matthews. Rank on the season: 152.
In other words, my assessment was only off by 140 players. Seriously, I don't even know why I ever thought a guy named Ryan Matthews would be good. It's a name that sounds best when said while sadly shaking your head. I know because this is the only way this name is ever said.

Round 2, 14th overall - Shonn Greene. Rank on the season: 144.
I should have known when I saw how he spelled his name. Like an idiot, that's how. I should have learned my lesson after the whole Chone Figgins fiasco in fantasy baseball. Okay, that never happened. And now it never will.

Round 3, 35th overall - Tony Romo. Rank on the season: 75th.
This is misleading for two reasons. One, Tony Romo was actually doing fine for me until he got injured for the season after week six. Two, he got injured for the season after week 6.

Round 4, 38th overall - Beanie Wells. Rank on the season: 218th.
The worst part about him is I still expect him to turn it around despite the insistence of statistics, observation, God, and his own coach. I have no idea why I hate Ryan Matthews but love Beanie Wells. The fantasy heart is a cruel mistress. Fantasy-speaking.

Round 5, 59th overall - Wes Welker. Rank on the season: 123rd.
Yes, that's right, my first receiver was someone who has to wear a knee brace bigger than his torso. On the plus side, he was good two years ago so between him, Barack Obama, and Fergie, my Fantasy 2008 team is looking great.

The problems here:

1. With my first five picks, all under the 60th pick overall, I managed to pick none of the top 100 players in football (Romo will fall out soon).

2. All of these players, Romo excluded, are still on my team.

3. The best player on my team--and this is not a joke--is Mike Wallace the wide receiver who ranks 38th.

4. Mike Wallace the news journalist ranks 19th and he might be dead.

5. I named my fantasy team after the real coach of my least favorite real team and somehow never thought karma would play into this.

6. My move/robbery/re-move right before the draft excuse is wearing a little thin.

7. I've started to just pick up random Dolphins because that way I can at least care a little. Hence, I'll probably start Tyler Thigpen this week, something done only by me and someone named Tyler Thigpen.

8. It's killing me because I consider myself to be kind of good at fantasy football. Then the fact that I consider myself to be kind of good at fantasy football makes it even worse. I'm caught in a shame spiral. Fantasy-speaking. In real life I'm doing great.

9. Even after a surprising offensive explosion, I am only averaging 83 points per week. For comparison purposes, the top team is averaging 125. Basically, that means they could drop 3-4 players and still beat me easily.

10. And, of course, I would not pick up those players because I'm still waiting for Beanie Wells to turn it around.


jimStock said...

I've found my winning recipe this year: draft only players I would never consider a friend. And not just someone who I wouldn't engage in an obligatory, standing-by-the-keg-at-a-party conversation, but I wouldn't save Philip Rivers if I had 5 kidneys. Thanks Phil.

A. Peterson said...


This is probably my problem. When drafting, I imagine my team's championship celebration where I tell stories about the time little Wes Welker caught a 10-yard pass to put us over the top in Week 3 as the scrappy, likable Cleveland defense nods approvingly.

Thinking about Philip Rivers coming in, kicking over the punch bowl, then telling Ronnie Brown he slept with his wife before walking out of the room pointing at everyone...I just can't do it.