Exhibit 1.5.20

Beard

Almost three years ago I let my facial hair grow for a couple weeks to see if it could, through some previously unseen alchemy, produce a beard. You can follow that experience along here. It was a simpler time, back when I was somehow better at both Photoshop and the decency that allowed me not to post photos of myself on the internet.

Short summary: No, no I could not grow a beard.

This year, with a couple of weeks between a moment of bored despair and the semester beginning, I decided to try again. Here's as good as it got.


The Aubrey Beardlessly



So not good. Better than before--it was prickly, at least--but still worse than guys I knew in middle school. That said, I could at least shave it into some nearly acceptable facial hair configurations.


The Walter Notquite



The Muske-tears



The Billy D-Minus Williams



The Ask for ID



Who am I kidding, none of those are acceptable. My apologies to everyone who had to look at me for the past two weeks. So pretty much just you, Taco Truck Lady.

Exhibit 23.14

Beard
Well, it's gone. Now my face feels naked. I look forward to never talking about this again.

Exhibit 23.12

Beard


Thankfully the mini-blizzard that has kept me in the house has allowed me to grow out my beard without confronting the humiliation of other people. And thank god, otherwise I wouldn't have realized that it's not that I'm incapable of growing proper facial hair, it's that I'm a musketeer.

Seriously, I'm shaving Wednesday.

Exhibit 23.7

Beard
It's been nearly a week since the last time I shaved, and I think I actually have less facial hair now than I did two days ago. Possibly my body is unconsciously trying to protect its fragile dignity. I'm not sure.

Exhibit 23.4

Beard

I've never been able to grow a beard but mostly that's because I've never really put my mind to it. Or I have some sort of testosterone deficiency. Either way, now that I more or less have a month with nowhere to go, I figured I'd try.

That image is where we currently stand. I think the right side of my face is winning, but mostly I'm disappointed that A) there's a competition and B) I could tabulate a winner to the competition. I had to stand really close to the mirror in order to do that. Mine is not a beard that can be seen at a distance.

I chose red for the image because that's a color that would stand out not because it's the color the beard is growing in. As far as you know.

Unless parts of my beard start connecting themselves, I think I'm going to shave soon.

Exhibit 8.2

In honor of Drake University having made the NCAA tournament, I plan on doing some comparisons between them and their first round opponent, Western Kentucky University. The game is at 11:30am (central) today and before then I'll post some smaller comparisons. They'll each have to be an individual posts because formatting these isn't fun.

University President's Facial Hair

David Maxwell vs. Gary Ransdell

Winner: Push.

Mr. Ransdell doesn't have facial hair, and everyone wishes Mr. Maxwell didn't either. Some bonus points should be given considering Mr. Maxwell is a Russian scholar and the son of a jazz trumpeter. I mean, he probably should have a beard with a resume like that.

It's not his fault that he's genetically incapable of growing one.

Exhibit 3.26

Back from Des Moines and the reading went well. Everyone at Drake was very nice, and it was great to read with Aaron and Shanley (who were both fantastic). Shanley's poems were like polished rocks, all pretty but scary underneath. Aaron's reading was wild and fun. There was a projector involved. Mostly, it projected excellence.

Guess which of the following was not asked after the reading?

• "How does it feel to write in English?"
• "Do you speak a foreign language or play an instrument? If not, how do you communicate with people who speak other languages?"
• "Where do you get your ideas?"
• "Have you ever travelled?"
• "Who decides what's good?"

You're probably wrong. Anyway, the answers:

• ¿Que?
• (guitar solo)
• Advertisements for consumer electronics
• Does this count?
• Probably John Updike. Or you. Probably definitely you in conjunction with John Updike.

I wish the man who asked most of these questions could follow me around and keep me on my toes by occassionally shouting out questions connected only by a vague interest in foreign policy. He had a beard and seemed very nice.

If he were writing this post, he'd end by asking, "What's our responsibility to people in Madrid?" Really, it's hard to beat that.