Exhibit 12.3

So after posting this about horrible mid-late 90s pop-rock which found its way into heavy rotation, sometimes even to this day, I figured I'd find and examine some other examples. I limited myself to things not on this A.V. Club list though there are some good ones there too.

"Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me for Me)" - Blessid Union of Souls



Best Lyric
There were a lot of options here--including a Tyson Bedford reference--but I've got to go with the following bizarrely uncertain passage wherein the singer seems to be under the impression that women would like him if he hung out with Steve Buscemi:

She likes me for me
Not because I hang with Leonardo
Or that guy who played in "Fargo"
I think his name is Steve

"How Do I Deal" - Jennifer Love Hewitt



Best Lyric
This song may not have been popular anywhere else, but they played it incessantly in the town I went to high school, even 10 years after the song came out. Anyway, this song is off the I Know What You Did Last Summer soundtrack and it's fun to imagine that instead of singing to some generic boy, she's actually singing to the killer. To me, that's the only logical choice:

What the hell I have to do
How do I deal with you (How do I deal with you)
How do I deal with me (How do I deal with me)
When I don't even know myself
Or what it is you want from me

Um, Jennifer, he wants you to die. You're the one who's making it difficult.

"Absolutely (Story of a Girl)" - Nine Days



Best Lyric
Tough to say, but I think the song shows its true colors when in the middle of an otherwise pro-this girl ditty the singer becomes an asshole boyfriend for a few lines:

Now how many lovers would stay
Just to put up with this shit
day after day
Now how did we wind up this way

Oh, I get it, this is about your guilt. Gotcha.

"You Wanted More" - Tonic



Best Lyric
After many attempts to define the word love, our lyricist gives up:

I gotta pick me up when I am down
I gotta get my feet back on the ground
I gotta pick me up when I am down

[Solo]

I just hope the lead singer was able to put working as a janitor in this video as experience on his resume. (Okay, that was too mean. I have a soft spot for Tonic for reasons I've never cared to explore).

"Something's Always Wrong" - Toad the Wet Sprocket



Best Lyric
This song features indecipherable verses which culminate abruptly in very trite thoughts:

Again
It seems we meet
In the spaces
In between
We always say
It won't be long
But something's always wrong

Bonus points should be given for this band name leading to one of my favorite Futurama jokes. Bored, exasperated Lela, "This Toads the Wet Sprocket." Ouch.

Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon



Best Lyric
I'm not even going to look. I'm under the impression this song gives people cancer.

"I'll Be" - Edwin McCain



Best Lyric
Again, I just can't do it. My guess is the best lyric is whatever one made you play this during the father-daughter dance at your wedding.

"Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" - Paula Cole



Best Lyric
Seeing as how this song has a sarcastic, feminist message that America chose to ignore, it's easy to take the lyrics at face value and find them funny:

Why don't you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And I'll fix a little something to eat
Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet
I will raise the children if you pay all the bills

Also funny for featuring an odd performance from Paula Cole in the video. She actually looks worried most of the time like people aren't going to get it and her spot on the Lilith Fair is going to be in jeopardy.

Quick Hits!
"Hanging By a Moment" - Lifehouse. I have nothing to say about the song except to commend the lead singer's earnestness in the video. Well done. You could learn from him, Ms. Cole.

"Kryptonite" - Three Doors Down. Fun fact: I got sucked into watching the entire video when I went to find the link.

"Bitch" - Meredith Brooks. I did not get sucked into watching this little gem off of Satan's party mix.

"Missing" - Everything But The Girl. Okay, so this one is on that A.V. Club list, but I feel like it deserves to be mentioned twice.

"(Any song off of New Miserable Experience)" - The Gin Blossoms.

"Truly Madly Deeply" - Savage Garden. Any Savage Garden song would work just as well. I couldn't even make it through thirty seconds of this video. The lead singer just creeps the hell out of me. Plus, the horrible.

And I'm going to stop. I have now successfully avoided writing anything today. Hoozah!

Exhibit 10.3

So I've discovered that a good percentage of people who visit this blog are actually coming through Google image searches to this post in order to get pictures of Sean Penn and Al Pacino in Carlito's Way. That really puts things in perspective.

Still, it's oddly comforting to know that a lot of people in Finland desperately need pictures of the cast of Carlito's Way. I don't remember reading that in the World Fact Book.

In a completely unrelated development: There may be no better way to waste four hours than The World Fact book. For instance, you may have known about the islands that constitute Vanuatu, but did you know that nearly 11% of the population are Seventh Day Adventists?

I suppose if you did know that, you also have a position on the Matthew and Hunter Island disputes that will surely drag us into WWIII someday soon.

Exhibit 3.7

I am horribly, horribly sunburned. All I have to look forward to now is the brief period of time after the pain stops and before the skin cancer sets in. I don't know how skin cancer works, but based on the garnet color of my skin, I'm going to find out.

A nice woman at the pharmacy walked me through all of the aloe vera options. I chose blue.

Exhibit 1.21

Presidential Candidate Review: Mike Huckabee


Maybe it's just me, but I like the fat Mike Huckabee better. It's a little disconcerting that a politician can lose 125 lbs. and go from a Pat Buchanan/Newt Gingrich/Dennis Hastert-esque Republican--gluttonous off the flesh of the common man and guzzling chalice after chalice of high cholesterol whale blood or whatever--to an actual contender for something other than first in line at the Heritage Foundation's annual potluck (Ed note: Ann Coulter is the one who brings the store bought cupcakes). This new Mike Huckabee is positively normal looking. Hell, I'll even call him dynamic. He's basically doing what Al Gore is doing only the opposite (which is smart for the both of them. Gore looks much better with a wise, professorial bulge whereas Huckabee seemed miscast as a fat man. Both move much more comfortably in their new body types [and presumably pants]. Look no further than Al Gore dancing at the first inauguration).

Here's the thing about Huckabee: He's long scared the hell out of me.

He's basically a Protestant, affable Sam Brownback and that's a formidable thing in the Republican primaries and a potentially dangerous thing against certain Democratic candidates. He's sort of the sleeping dragon of the election only after his surprising finish in the utterly meaningless Iowa Straw Poll, he's started to get a lot of press as the candidate with momentum. He's scared me before that for one simple reason: He's the most obvious choice as the candidate to come out of the Republican primaries if you take away name recognition and money. Consider these anonymous candidates:

Man 1: Thrice divorced, big city east coast mayor who supports abortion rights, is somewhat gay-friendly, and who is positively hated by most of the people involved in his biggest "moment". See Veterans, Swift Vote. Oh, and Catholic if that matters to Republican voters. And it might.

Man 2: Old, somewhat crazy once-maverick Senator who supports campaign finance reform, opposed tax cuts for awhile, and who has simultaneously managed to cozy up to president he hates (thus alienating his base) while continuing to support things people who like the president hate like immigration reform (which pretty much takes care of everyone else).

Man 3: Former 2+ term Southern governor who is very popular in his home state, is socially conservative but doesn't seem dogmatic about it, has an inspiring story of weight loss and seems to be part presidential candidate and part self-help guru. Is a great campaigner and people seem to come away from meeting him somewhat in love. Is a Baptist minister though apparently more of the Rick Warren/life is good type than a fire and brimstone guy. Some have called him "dynamic."

Man 4: Mormon.

Now, which one of those guys seems most likely to win the nomination? Of course, it's stupid to take away external factors, but my point is that Mike Huckabee is an exceedingly dangerous candidate once he builds some momentum. Hell, we basically already elected a guy with his resume (though not his beliefs) once: Bill Clinton. The similarities between the two are spooky right down to their both having been born in Hope, Arkansas.

(Brief aside: What would the odds be if Hope, Arkansas ended up producing two presidents. Don't get me wrong, I hope it doesn't happen, but seriously? The city has 10,000 people in it, is in the middle of rural Arkansas, and has a median income of 25k with 27% of people below the poverty line. Take that, Exeter.)

Of course, with the primaries all moved forward Huckabee isn't probably going to win the nomination. Whereas in the past he could have won/finished 2nd in Iowa and tried to parlay that into a victory in South Carolina, in this years election he'll be hard pressed to make a dent now that the primaries are more Western/Eastern and less Midwest/Southern which is where he plays well. If enough Republicans can hold their noses (and their Bibles) to vote for Giuliani or Romney on Super Duper Tuesday, Huckabee's done. And good, I say.

In a general election, Huckabee could be a problem. We've elected presidents for dumber reasons than that they seem like a good people. In fact, you can pretty much say our last two presidents were elected for this very reason. Plus, Huckabee's reasonably well-insulated against this administration's policies (even though he supports them) whereas the more prominent candidates will get some guilt by association for debacles like Iraq. In other words, Huckabee could walk into a matchup against, say, Clinton as never having to have made one vote on Iraq (or anything else of note) yet still has the experience of a long governorship to fall back on. He's scares me because Americans love candidates like that. We elect governors president, not senators, which all the prominent Democrats just so happen to be this time around.

His best V.P. pick would be a strong foreign policy, pro-business guy from outside the South or Midwest. McCain is probably the obvious choice but there's no way in hell. None of the other Republican candidates fit the bill (maybe Romney, but again, no way), but I'm sure there's someone out there to play Cheney to Huckabee's Bush. (God help us if it is somehow Colin Powell). With an older, well-liked V.P. candidate by his side, Huckabee would be a tough matchup for someone like Clinton, a brutal matchup for Edwards, and a fairly easy matchup for Obama. Against Clinton, Huckabee will have freshness on his side and a strong V.P. pick might negate some of the foreign policy inexperience. Hillary's voting record and the general love/hate relationship with the public might just be enough for a charming, humorous man's man like Huckabee to win over moderates and anti-Hillary women.

Edwards v. Huckabee would basically be a beauty pageant which each one trying to out Southern Charm us to death.

Obama v. Huckabee would be similar though ultimately Obama's story is better than Huckabee's plus he seems even fresher and more dynamic.

Huckabee is an ideal V.P. pick for Giuliani, and a slightly less ideal one for Romney (there would be a lot of religious-focus there that they wouldn't probably want). Basically, he's the Republican John Edwards only with a far superior resume for his particular base. Unfortunately, Republicans seem to be realizing this as we speak. He has other negatives I haven't really gone into (the religious stuff would hurt him in the general election, a lot of fat pictures out there, his last name doesn't sound presidential, etc.), but he's the only Republican who doesn't have that No fucking way are the Republicans nominating a _______ (Mormon, NYer, Crazy Person). That scares me.

Exhibit 1.17

I'm pretty sure that picture is from Carlito's Way. It could also be Sylvester Stallone in Cobra, I can't tell. In any case, I happened to turn on the television this weekend and stumble upon the first few minutes of Carlito's Way, which I've seen a half dozen times but now appreciate on a much deeper level. I only watched five minutes or so, and I am ready to say the movie is one of the all-time great five minute movies. No matter what five minutes you watch, you're going to be entertained by any or all of:

• Pacino actually eating the sets. He walks with so much swagger in this movie that at times he's practically horizontal. At the beginning of the movie, Pacino is an actor, but by the end of the movie he is the character Al Pacino has played in every movie since. In some ways, Carlito's Way actually ruined his career as he apparently thinks he's still playing Carlito. That Al Pacino can play Shylock in The Merchant of Venice and a Puerto Rican gangster without changing his demeanor or accent is what makes him so fascinating. I love Al Pacino.
  
• Sean Penn's character who I think is actually named Jewish Lawyer. Look at him:

• It's fun to imagine Pacino playing the lawyer and Carlito and holding conversations with himself. Does anyone else do this during Al Pacino movies? Anyone? No? Try it some time with Dog Day Afternoon. If you try it while watching Scent of a Woman, it's like watching the tape from The Ring.
  
• Penolope Ann Miller as Carlito's girlfriend/stripper trying desperately not to get eaten by Al Pacino. I'm pretty sure I've never called anyone this before, and I don't really know what it means, but Penolope Ann Miller is a drip. Her name even sounds bland. Yet somehow in the early 1990s she was in movies where Al Pacino, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Richard Tyson were madly in love with her. If at any point in her career someone had told her to go by just Penolope Ann, she'd probably be Julia Roberts right now. Keep this in mind when David Collin is winning his 2nd Pulitzer.


• Viggo Mortensen as lowlife, wheelchair-bound snitch who at one point cries hysterically and complains about how he can't "hump" anymore. Um, I'm pretty sure this performance wasn't on the reel he sent in for TLOTR.


• Carlito saying something crazy. Just read IMDb's memorable quotes page.

Seriously, it's that good. Heather and I caught it just as Pacino was doing some of his strutting and watched through when he yells, "HERE COME THE PAIN!" Needless to say, I've pretty much been saying that all day, going so far as to run it through babelfish to see if it sounds cooler in Spanish. It does.