Exhibit 19.21

Why I Will Never Write About the Royals Again

As always the Royals have completely fallen apart since I did so much as write their name here. And it's not so much that I control their destiny--I do--or that I can change the direction of their season with a mere mention--I can--or that I have the power to do this with anyone I write about on this blog--this kid is now dead--no, it's none of those things. It's that you don't believe me. It's okay, neither does the Royals' management and you don't have the benefit of the letters I send to them (maybe using a lambskin scroll and ink made of cherries was a mistake, but I was just trying to be classy, Dayton Moore).

So let’s take a look at the five games following a mention of the word ‘Royals’ on this blog (and I’ll limit it to usages that indicate the baseball team so all of my Prince Harry gossip posts don’t count. I don't want there to be anything skewing this highly scientific exploration of my magical power). In reverse chronological order:

* 6/17/09 – Record over the next five games: 0-5
Oh, god, this went worse than that time the kid I mentioned died. Combined score over these five games: 53-21. And it's not just the losing that's bad, it's that this came on the heels of a nice four game winning streak where it looked like the Royals had figured things out. Now Coco Crisp is likely out for the season, Kyle Davies is in AAA, and I'm writing posts that mention voodoo and Jose Guillen together in an upcoming sentence. Things really came apart quickly.

* 6/10/09 – Record over the next five games: 4-1
Okay, I forgot about this one, but it’s only one small mention in a post otherwise about robot baseball players. I’d say it’s likely that whatever demon is in charge of this thing was too bored to read the entire post so didn’t get the chance to stick pins in the hip of the Jose Guillen voodoo doll he has. In the demon’s defense, I think everyone would have felt that way.

* 5/22/09 – Record over the next five games: 2-3
So this was just a mention of the proper name of Rany Jazayerli's radio show, but I'm counting it because it slightly proves my point.

* 5/19/09 – Record over the next five games: 1-4
So this one really proves my point. My point: I don't remember. But I do remember mentioning a lambskin scroll up above. So basically I'm coming off as crazy but forgetful and therefore incompetently crazy. I'll take that.

* 5/13/09 – Record over the next five games: 2-3
Speaking of crazy, this is the second post in a row where I've mentioned that I believe I have magical powers.

* 4/16/09 – Record over the next five games: 3-2
Which means it might be time to quit this blog. Seriously, this is either going to end with me jumping out of my office window because I believe hitting coach/boyhood hero Kevin Seitzer has to me how to fly (and work a pitch count) or, slightly more likely, I'll move to a town where every post has to be about how much hotter it is than Lincoln today.

* 4/07/09 – Record over the next five games: 2-3
This was the Tom Berenger-heavy season preview. Sure, I mention them the next day, too, but I'm not going to count it because they went 3-2 over that stretch. Okay, fine, I'll count it. But I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for science.

So, after a mention on this blog, the Royals went 17-23 over the next five games, good for a .425 winning percentage and negligibly below their season clip of .426. I don't know if that counts as 'magical,' per se, but it's something. Okay, not really. More likely it's just 'vaguely not at all spooky but tainted by sample size and the principle accountant's lack of understanding of basic math concepts.'

Just for fun (fun?) I did the same thing for 2008. After a mention on this blog, the Royals went 20-25 over the next for games for a .444 winning percentage, basically indistinguishable from their season mark of .463 (trade one loss for one win and they're more or less identical). So 'vaguely not at all spooky...,' right?

It might mean I'm slightly more likely to write about the Royals during a losing streak. Which means that their losing is probably part of the reason I'm a fan (fan?). Which means I'm still both crazy and incompetent. Yep, crazy and incompetent, just like Trey Hillman.*

*Just a joke, George Brett!


A. Peterson said...

I'm no hero, but I have to mention that the entirety of my original post was lost to Blogger. I decided to write it over again for you, dear reader(s).

Somehow I managed to make it longer during this process. Yep, crazy and incompetent.

Anders Peterson said...

your heroic efforts are greatly appreciated by this (similarly cursed) white f*ck.

if recent history is any indication, we might be more useful royals fans if we were to attend/steal giveaway tees from/bird flip and curse at jerk-offs in the parking lot at more games... (wow, i'm just realizing that, white or not, i am a bit of a f*ck aren't i? i think that i at least deserve the consideration of being referred to as a "true blue f*ck," personally)

A. Peterson said...

Anders, the only thing I know you are is the victim of a hate crime.

A. Peterson said...

A honky-on-honky hate crime nonetheless. One of the odder things I've ever seen in a parking lot. Not top 10 but close.