Exhibit 1.5.24

A Primer on the Rules of Cricket, Pt. 6

51. God's spilt tea--or "rain"--shall cause a cessation of play known as a nilly. Refreshments of no less than one banger a man shall be served until play resumes after consultation with the hygrometer. Should the field be of sufficient antiquity so as to lack a hygrometer, an expedition shall be undertaken to recover its treasure for the National Museum.

52. After consultation with the Worshipful Company of Cordwainers, all players shall relinquish their bootery and take up the plimsoll.

53. Players having bowlen with THE DEVIL'S HAND sacrifice to the Rector one MALE CHILD for each accursed throw with gibbleys awarded to the Godly team in the form of a reliquary brought by one FEMALE CHILD. Should the condemned player lack the children or the means of producing them before the hour of the hanging, street urchins shall be lured to the grounds with food until they are no longer required or the demonic team expires its muffins.

54. Per decree, the game shall henceforth be known as Pope's Chess. 

55. Befallen by shipwreck, any able-bodied man washed ashore must set about constructing a pitch for the challengement of any cannibal natives who shall be given two score minutes for the memorization of these rules, formation of a team, and the preparation of adequate bangers to be served in event of a nilly. The winning seaman shall claim all land and monsters on behalf of the crown. The losing seaman shall no longer be welcomed at Diameter Society in the event he returns uneaten, having lost something even more valuable in his civility.

56. As there shall be no sunset there shall be no gloaming and any player, official, or groundling who remarks upon it shall have the choice between forfeiting their wit or eyes.

57. In the event of each team ending week one with an equivalent number of quinces and gibbleys, the tie shall be broken by means of a knightly tournament proceeding in the North Newcloferwich manner, i.e. archery to melee.

58. Wesley, having proven himself a thorough woncer, shall no longer be allowed to play.

59. All beverages shall be served at a temperature of no less than four marks above a June Tuesday and failure to do so will result in the home team's use of Swede's Balls--or "ice"--with all subsequent dampening of their choler or other relevant humors a fair punishment.

60. Should a femalelady be discovered in the colors of a maleman, play shall cease and a council be convened in Ghent, of which any player is welcome to take part should they be able to procure passage and have grey in their beards. The remaining shall make CAMP on though grounds though not embark on any industry, taking meals from the charity of locals who will be expected to remain spectators until such time as the return of the Greybeards who shall by then have formed their own team to compete against the witch. Should they prevail, they have claim to challenge the Crown upon conclusion of the prior game.

Exhibit 1.5.23

Selling


I like any ad that's pitch is basically, "Look, you probably want things you don't really want. We'll help you achieve those maybe dreams."

Exhibit 1.5.22

Look

It's a video I spent 30 minutes making after seeing a spider burying its spider buddy/lover/parent.

Or eat. It also could have been trying to eat its spider buddy/lover/parent. There's that.

Exhibit 1.5.21

Two Links

* I have a short piece giving some flash fiction bylaws over at Nano Fiction for their State of Flash series. I really do mean all of them. Especially the ones about poor, poor Doug.

* My short short "Biologists Study Grace" is over at Paper Darts and the entire page will soon be tattooed onto my back. Not really. probably. Maybe. Sort of. We'll see. But it is quite pretty.

Exhibit 1.5.20

Beard

Almost three years ago I let my facial hair grow for a couple weeks to see if it could, through some previously unseen alchemy, produce a beard. You can follow that experience along here. It was a simpler time, back when I was somehow better at both Photoshop and the decency that allowed me not to post photos of myself on the internet.

Short summary: No, no I could not grow a beard.

This year, with a couple of weeks between a moment of bored despair and the semester beginning, I decided to try again. Here's as good as it got.


The Aubrey Beardlessly



So not good. Better than before--it was prickly, at least--but still worse than guys I knew in middle school. That said, I could at least shave it into some nearly acceptable facial hair configurations.


The Walter Notquite



The Muske-tears



The Billy D-Minus Williams



The Ask for ID



Who am I kidding, none of those are acceptable. My apologies to everyone who had to look at me for the past two weeks. So pretty much just you, Taco Truck Lady.

Exhibit 1.5.19

New Cupboard Website



So, this is the most exciting news this blog has failed to break in months: The Cupboard has a new website which you can access right here. Things to note:

* We're now publishing original content every couple of weeks called Sideboards. Go read our first then submit one of your own.

* The announcement for our next year's cycle of four volumes. They're really great. Damn. We're excited.

* And, most importantly, we've got the entire year on sale. $12! That's practically $10!

Please read, spread the word, and subscribe.

Thanks.

Exhibit 1.5.18

Tattoo Ideas for Someone Else Sorted by Decreasing Likelihood


James Van Der Beak




En Passant Explanation




Disturbingly Sexualized Corn




Birdo As Problematically Described by Mario 2 Instructions




Lukewarm Review of Most Recent R. Kelly Album




Map of Ansley, Nebraska, for Ansley, Nebraska, Emergencies




The New Cupboard Logo

Exhibit 1.5.17

I Might Be the Only One



who is obsessed with the moment in "Hard Headed Woman" when he belts out that line.

In any case, my early Cat Stevens cover band--The First Cat Is the Deepest--will definitely use that song as the closer of our second encore.

Exhibit 1.5.16

A Soundtrack to Paul Auster's The New York Trilogy



Radiohead - "Life in Glass Houses"

Hall & Oates - "Private Eyes"




Roger Eno - "Quixote"




Manfred Mann - "The Mighty Quinn"




Elvis Costello - "Watching the Detectives"




The Jam - "Ghosts"




Louis Armstrong - "Black and Blue"




The Knife - "Neverland"




Tony Toni Toné - "Still a Man"




LCD Soundsystem - "New York I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down"

Exhibit 1.5.15

Currently

I'm teaching a class of high school students about narrative using short stories and film. A lot of it is work I'm familiar with but there's quite a bit I'm not. Among the pleasant surprises so far:


Vigo - L'Atalante

Sturges - The Lady Eve




Fellini - I Vitelloni (Which I'm pretty sure is just Italian for "The Bros")

Exhibit 1.5.14

Things

* If I'd never worked a job, I probably would doubt the authenticity of this guide to 90s slang from Express. But I have worked a job and, yep, someone got paid to do that. My only regret is that it wasn't me.

* My favorite similar corporate awareness vacuum was a branding guide full of charts explaining what celebrities a bank was like (Anderson Cooper) and not like (Madonna) with detailed reasons for why. So basically the bank wanted to be an asexual silver fox in favor of more traditional bra designs instead of, you know, a bank.

* Here's Brett:



* In the last two days on Twitter I've made a somewhat obscure Juliana Hatfield joke and a League of Women Voters joke. O, and one about Rizzoli and Isles. Feeling pretty proud of myself. Might just have to quit while I'm on top.

* The Cupboard, by the way, is now on Twitter here. Follow.

* That's all I've got. Unless you want to talk about Game of Thrones. No? Fine.

Exhibit 1.5.13

Kansas


I tried to take the most cliched picture of rural decay I could. Do try to hum a John Cougar Mellencamp song while looking at it please.

Exhibit 1.5.12

Did the Huffington Post Change?


No, no it did not.

I love this lady's face, by the way. She could be contemplating anything--war, the loss of a parent, a particularly difficult trigonometry problem--but, nope, it's her lack of a husband due inevitably to her permanent consternation.

Exhibit 1.5.11

Today In Misguided Stock Photography



O, Huffington Post, don't ever change.

Exhibit 1.5.10

A Primer on the Rules of Cricket, Pt. 5




41. Should a rowdydown turn mortal succession shall proceed Lillywald-fashion lest the blondest heir is found to be a papist. In consequence, the fight shall resume till such time as an appropriately fairheaded scion can be birthed.

42. Each batsman may propose one treaty of which can be live no less than six signatories from each side. Upon ratification, the treaty shall be enforced upon penalty of Hostage.

43. Enforcement of the Treaties shall be made the domain of the Council whose seats shall be the highest and made of a wood of a density greater or equal to cherry lest a treaty specifically change the terms of their leisure.

44. Gwyneth Paltrow.

45. Given the dimensions of the pitch, a astrolabe need be procured for the buryment of the King's Coin. Though it has not happened recently, should the Coin anger The Dragon, play shall procede after a Heroe's Queste in the bygone style not ending until rise of the tumulus and the remarriage of the widow however many fortnights. Should the widow choose not to remarry or should no players remain alive from either side or in the event The Dragon wins by swallowing the Coin, the sport shall be ended and the ground salted without need of an astrolabe.

46. At such a time as The Bafflement the sides shall be halved and halved again, with new Banners produced during the Recess and raised upon commencement. Should sides split beyond the number of players, new players shall be procured and new armorials created. Colors too should necessity arise.

47. Should it come to pass that each player plays only for themselves they shall be rechristened families and the field shall be rechristened town. Each player should achieve a trade though this shall not be the end of the game but the beginning of a new one.

48. No rules shall be made pertaining to the angle of despair only that it should be looked upon and lamented.

49. A four bowl must be called a demi-cannon though the first to say it must be an orphan with the compliment seconded by the procurement of a loaf of pudding for all surrounding rapscallions to enjoy beneath the bleachers. Upon completion of the compliment, the orphans shall form their own team, The Ragamuffins, who shall compete only to disrupt the honor of their betters.

50. Forthwith the Littlest Lord shall be allowed to serve as a wicket though should any ball come in contact with him the game shall cease lest it be his moon's day feast in which case any ball not coming in contact with him will be called A Necromancer's Eye and gifted to the lepers to be boiled to tincture.