Exhibit 1.5.20

Beard

Almost three years ago I let my facial hair grow for a couple weeks to see if it could, through some previously unseen alchemy, produce a beard. You can follow that experience along here. It was a simpler time, back when I was somehow better at both Photoshop and the decency that allowed me not to post photos of myself on the internet.

Short summary: No, no I could not grow a beard.

This year, with a couple of weeks between a moment of bored despair and the semester beginning, I decided to try again. Here's as good as it got.


The Aubrey Beardlessly



So not good. Better than before--it was prickly, at least--but still worse than guys I knew in middle school. That said, I could at least shave it into some nearly acceptable facial hair configurations.


The Walter Notquite



The Muske-tears



The Billy D-Minus Williams



The Ask for ID



Who am I kidding, none of those are acceptable. My apologies to everyone who had to look at me for the past two weeks. So pretty much just you, Taco Truck Lady.

Exhibit 1.5.19

New Cupboard Website



So, this is the most exciting news this blog has failed to break in months: The Cupboard has a new website which you can access right here. Things to note:

* We're now publishing original content every couple of weeks called Sideboards. Go read our first then submit one of your own.

* The announcement for our next year's cycle of four volumes. They're really great. Damn. We're excited.

* And, most importantly, we've got the entire year on sale. $12! That's practically $10!

Please read, spread the word, and subscribe.

Thanks.

Exhibit 1.5.18

Tattoo Ideas for Someone Else Sorted by Decreasing Likelihood


James Van Der Beak




En Passant Explanation




Disturbingly Sexualized Corn




Birdo As Problematically Described by Mario 2 Instructions




Lukewarm Review of Most Recent R. Kelly Album




Map of Ansley, Nebraska, for Ansley, Nebraska, Emergencies




The New Cupboard Logo

Exhibit 1.5.17

I Might Be the Only One



who is obsessed with the moment in "Hard Headed Woman" when he belts out that line.

In any case, my early Cat Stevens cover band--The First Cat Is the Deepest--will definitely use that song as the closer of our second encore.

Exhibit 1.5.16

A Soundtrack to Paul Auster's The New York Trilogy



Radiohead - "Life in Glass Houses"

Hall & Oates - "Private Eyes"




Roger Eno - "Quixote"




Manfred Mann - "The Mighty Quinn"




Elvis Costello - "Watching the Detectives"




The Jam - "Ghosts"




Louis Armstrong - "Black and Blue"




The Knife - "Neverland"




Tony Toni Toné - "Still a Man"




LCD Soundsystem - "New York I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down"

Exhibit 1.5.15

Currently

I'm teaching a class of high school students about narrative using short stories and film. A lot of it is work I'm familiar with but there's quite a bit I'm not. Among the pleasant surprises so far:


Vigo - L'Atalante

Sturges - The Lady Eve




Fellini - I Vitelloni (Which I'm pretty sure is just Italian for "The Bros")

Exhibit 1.5.14

Things

* If I'd never worked a job, I probably would doubt the authenticity of this guide to 90s slang from Express. But I have worked a job and, yep, someone got paid to do that. My only regret is that it wasn't me.

* My favorite similar corporate awareness vacuum was a branding guide full of charts explaining what celebrities a bank was like (Anderson Cooper) and not like (Madonna) with detailed reasons for why. So basically the bank wanted to be an asexual silver fox in favor of more traditional bra designs instead of, you know, a bank.

* Here's Brett:



* In the last two days on Twitter I've made a somewhat obscure Juliana Hatfield joke and a League of Women Voters joke. O, and one about Rizzoli and Isles. Feeling pretty proud of myself. Might just have to quit while I'm on top.

* The Cupboard, by the way, is now on Twitter here. Follow.

* That's all I've got. Unless you want to talk about Game of Thrones. No? Fine.

Exhibit 1.5.13

Kansas


I tried to take the most cliched picture of rural decay I could. Do try to hum a John Cougar Mellencamp song while looking at it please.

Exhibit 1.5.12

Did the Huffington Post Change?


No, no it did not.

I love this lady's face, by the way. She could be contemplating anything--war, the loss of a parent, a particularly difficult trigonometry problem--but, nope, it's her lack of a husband due inevitably to her permanent consternation.

Exhibit 1.5.11

Today In Misguided Stock Photography



O, Huffington Post, don't ever change.

Exhibit 1.5.10

A Primer on the Rules of Cricket, Pt. 5




41. Should a rowdydown turn mortal succession shall proceed Lillywald-fashion lest the blondest heir is found to be a papist. In consequence, the fight shall resume till such time as an appropriately fairheaded scion can be birthed.

42. Each batsman may propose one treaty of which can be live no less than six signatories from each side. Upon ratification, the treaty shall be enforced upon penalty of Hostage.

43. Enforcement of the Treaties shall be made the domain of the Council whose seats shall be the highest and made of a wood of a density greater or equal to cherry lest a treaty specifically change the terms of their leisure.

44. Gwyneth Paltrow.

45. Given the dimensions of the pitch, a astrolabe need be procured for the buryment of the King's Coin. Though it has not happened recently, should the Coin anger The Dragon, play shall procede after a Heroe's Queste in the bygone style not ending until rise of the tumulus and the remarriage of the widow however many fortnights. Should the widow choose not to remarry or should no players remain alive from either side or in the event The Dragon wins by swallowing the Coin, the sport shall be ended and the ground salted without need of an astrolabe.

46. At such a time as The Bafflement the sides shall be halved and halved again, with new Banners produced during the Recess and raised upon commencement. Should sides split beyond the number of players, new players shall be procured and new armorials created. Colors too should necessity arise.

47. Should it come to pass that each player plays only for themselves they shall be rechristened families and the field shall be rechristened town. Each player should achieve a trade though this shall not be the end of the game but the beginning of a new one.

48. No rules shall be made pertaining to the angle of despair only that it should be looked upon and lamented.

49. A four bowl must be called a demi-cannon though the first to say it must be an orphan with the compliment seconded by the procurement of a loaf of pudding for all surrounding rapscallions to enjoy beneath the bleachers. Upon completion of the compliment, the orphans shall form their own team, The Ragamuffins, who shall compete only to disrupt the honor of their betters.

50. Forthwith the Littlest Lord shall be allowed to serve as a wicket though should any ball come in contact with him the game shall cease lest it be his moon's day feast in which case any ball not coming in contact with him will be called A Necromancer's Eye and gifted to the lepers to be boiled to tincture.

Exhibit 1.5.9

The Flasher



Of the 20 images that come up when you search for 'the flasher' on my favorite stock photography website--favorite because it's mostly strange Scandinavian people doing strange Scandinavian things--that one is my favorite.

The Flasher can be had here or here.

Exhibit 1.5.8

Marketing

So apparently popular no-effort-mom-pleaser Pandora decided to tie a marketing campaign to the NFL Draft and analyst Mel Kiper Jr. I wish I could have heard that phone call.

Over-thinking Marketing Guy: We want you to represent Pandora!
Mel Kiper Jr.: The music service?
Marketing Guy: No, the popular middle-aged-lady-Pokémon.
Mel Kiper Jr.: Are you sure my obvious and overwhelming charisma won't out charm the charm bracelet?
Marketing Guy: Of course not!
Mel Kiper Jr.: There is serious upside potential whenever you can get a Mel Kiper Jr.

Honestly, I don't know if this is a brilliant example of knowing the difference between one's market and one's actor or if this is the weirdest, dumbest thing to ever happen on an internet full of weird, dumb things. I'm leaning toward aggressively not caring after this period.

Exhibit 1.5.7

Demographic Survey




Now I know which advertisers to approach.

Exhibit 1.5.6

Question Time

J. Stock asks, Author branding question here:If you were to add a stylistic third 'middle name', what would it be?

I'm going to answer this here because A) I'm really only writing this blog for J. Stock at this point and B) It's a good question.

When I first started writing I thought I needed a cooler name, both because Adam Peterson is common enough another writer might share it and because, I don't know, cooler names are cooler (I could name authors I think are twice as popular as they would otherwise be because of good names but I won't).

Still, I'll admit I never thought about Cougar-ing up my name. If anything, I considered going with A. William Peterson because...I don't know. I'm an idiot?

Middle name options:

1) Dagger - My go-to fake cool guy name.

2) Stone - Because my friend Justin always named his RPG characters this and I thought it was cool and Justin doesn't write so screw Justin.

3) Adam - People would be like, "Have you read Adam Adam Peterson's new tiny book?" And other people would be like, "No."

4) Sarah - People would be like, "Is that a man or a woman?" And other people would be like, "We don't know and we're his parents."

5) Pepsi - I could either go uber-hipster or uber-sell out with it.

6) Night - No way that could go wrong.

7) Toni Morrison - Just because it would be confusing and everyone would ask if we were related although probably not.

8) Adrian - Same.

9) Pope - Because it could easily transition into a fallback career.

10) Wladimir - I've always loved those crazy half-Russian names that Cubans sometimes have. I want one. Now. I'll swim there.