Exhibit 1.2.25

Things I Learned from Re-watching G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Because if you've only seen it once, there's a lot you miss. I mean, I didn't have to watch it twice, but I also didn't have to graduate from high school. I re-watched because I care. Also, because I've already used up all of this month's free articles on The New York Times and I needed to find some way to keep in touch with global politics.

Here's what I learned:

1) Water is flammable and therefore science is a lie.

2) No matter what side of the recent budget crisis you were on, there's one thing on which we can all agree: most of our tax dollars should go to building more army ninjas.

3) In any context, "nano" as a prefix means "dangerous" e.g. Nanobot, Nanopunch, Nanomom.

4) In most contexts, "nano" as a prefix also means "delicious" e.g. Nanotaco, Nanopunch, Nanomallow.

5) If you need a secret lair, the key is to build it as far underground as possible. Unless you don't want your secret lair to be destroyed. The movie offers no solutions for if you don't want your secret lair destroyed.

6) As a suffix, "nano" means "size of iPod" and nothing else ever.

7) Brendan Fraser will cameo in your movie if he gets to make all of the following expressions: O!, Come on!, [laughing head shake], [motorcycle whee].

8) Chicks who don't like you have been brainwashed.

9) If your evil organization, collective, or confederacy is capable of replacing the president with one of your own men, your other plan that involves picking a fight with an elite task force of international soldiers is probably superfluous if not downright counterproductive.

10) Seriously, Earth, Wind, and Fire was right to leave out water.

Exhibit 22.13

A comprehensive list of things in the movie G.I. Joe that were silly, physically impossible, cameos from the guy who played Steve Nebraska in The Scout, vaguely racist, childhood defiling, problematically unaware of the laws of physics, problematically unaware of how ice floats, problematically set in 17th century France, irrationally costumed in rubber masks that had lips, not at all subtle in their winking at the old cartoons, ballistic missiles shot down with snow mobiles, starring a guy with a tiny head, unnecessarily Scottish, places we're expected to believe those guys from 17th century France named a prisoner Destro, summations of the plot only recently summarized only this time done in a Scottish accent, betrayed a stunning lack of knowledge about the U.N.'s role in the world, unexplained holes going deeper into the Earth when we were already pretty deep underneath the Earth, continuity errors, being tracked by beacons of the tracking variety, timely statements on the continued problem of racial profiling, national landmarks that got all Independence Dayed, chased, no really ballistic missiles shot down with snow mobiles, scenes in which the word 'nano' was said more than three times, Sienna Miller, unexplained instances of a small white child growing up alone on the streets of Tokyo, Dennis Quaid telling someone within a tenth of a percentile how awesome they are at being a G.I. Joe, problematically reinforcing the notion that the filmmakers have never seen water or ice and possibly not steam, a dude in a holograph physically interacted with an object in a way that seemed to need some sort of explanation like what is he seeing on his side of the transmission and what did he doing to the nanoweapons case holding the nanowarheads was it something that would make them more or less nano, or a Wayans:

1) Storm Shadow would totally wail on Snake Eyes

Exhibit 13.20

I winterized the apartment so now all of the windows are covered in taut, shiny plastic. I feel like a G.I. Joe or a person infected with Outbreak or a G.I. Joe infected with Outbreak.

(3 thoughts on the movie Outbreak I have even though I haven't seen it since a rained-out recess in the seventh grade [in other words, some of this could be misremembered so I may not be giving the Renee Russo/Cuba Gooding Jr./Donald Sutherland thriller a fair shake]:

1. So the government--which seems to have Outbreak pretty well quarantined--decides to blow up the infected town, ostensibly because they need to cover up Outbreak. Now, it's been a long time since I was in my Government Murder of Citizens Versus Letting Their Deaths Occur Naturally seminar, but I'm thinking the government nuking a town is going to get a bit of attention. If option one is letting the people die, telling a worried citizenry that it's under control for now, and then figuring out a cure while option two is bombing a town, not telling the now revolting citizenry why you nuked town, and then shrugging shoulders--and you choose option two--I'm not sure if you should be reelected. Sorry, Lee Terry.

2. It's weird that Patrick Dempsey is a sex symbol now because to me he'll always be the stonery guy named Jimbo who was the first to die from Outbreak because the monkey he stole bit him. Okay, I guess that is a little sexy.

3. I'm not, despite what I may have told you personally, a helicopter expert. However, even at 13 I'm pretty sure I knew enough to know that if you're in a helicopter chase, it's not going to work to just shoot some missiles into the ground and then hope that the helicopter following behind you mistakes the missiles for a crash and goes home as opposed to, you know, scanning the horizon and seeing your slowly fleeing helicopter less than a 1/4 mile away).

Well, turns out I've got nothing else after that long parenthetical. I guess you could say this whole thing was just a ruse to get you to read my thoughts about 1995's 24th-highest grossing movie. I guess you could say I probably deserve the Outbreak.

Still, we all have learned so much:
1. I can't spell missiles correctly on the first go around
2. Winterizing is good for the environment and bad for sanity
3. Knowing is half the battle