Exhibit 19.15

Stock Photography Review

There have been or will be a lot of birthdays among some of the most important people in my life this month. My sister Kaitlin's birthday was June 1st. My brother Jeff's birthday is June 16th. Lincoln Saltdogs pitcher David Humen's birthday was June 11th. Happy birthday, everyone. Especially you, David. You most of all.

In honor of the siblings (and, more importantly, some other guy) here's some birthday-related stock photography.

I don't really have anything to say here other than that I initially thought those were giant Mike and Ike's which sent me to the Just Born company website to see if they also made giant Hot Tamales. Then I started looking at the Peeps and, well, it's now dark out, I've got a day's worth of stubble, and at some point in the last 18 hours I tried to send a text message to my parents' home phone asking if I could borrow $1,800 in order to develop a gallon-size Hot Tamale mold.

This is better than the last time I looked at the Just Born company's website when I woke up in the geographic center of the United States with an empty bag of Jet-Puffed marshmallows, a sticky pocket knife, and an army of poorly whittled marshmallow bunnies replicating Khalid ibn al-Walid's famous flanking maneuver.

So I guess what I'm saying is, good luck, kid.

In most cultures, gifts are given by ascending height in a precisely ordered queue so as to increase the family's odds of being used in an AT&T billboard campaign.

Which birthday is the whipped-cream birthday again? Oh, right, the last one.

Look, I know the kid is bummed because she only got half-inflated balloons and wilting flowers for her birthday, but the fact that they ordered a frowning cake leads me to believe this wasn't totally unexpected.

Why doesn't anyone like Julia?

Maybe it's because she's always changing clothes and eating flaming candles when we're not looking. In fact, I'd say that's exactly why we don't like Julia. But it's not why we hate her. No, that's something only she knows.

Since this came up on a search for birthday, I can only assume this kid was born on December 25th. Hey, so was this guy:

Stock Photography Jesus is my favorite Jesus. All you need is a tanned white guy with a beard, a ghost costume with some rope tied around the middle, and access to an old stable.

This isn't birthday related, but Stock Photography Jésus the Québécoise Gangster is my favorite Jésus the Québécoise Gangster.

See, I hate that. That takes all the fun out of guessing which box is the one crying.

It's like how at your wedding I'm going to get you something from Crate & Barrel and you're going to know it because of their boxes. Except this time it's a baby rather than whatever is exactly $65 on your registry. I'm just going to stop typing now.

(still not typing)

Jésus the Québécoise Gangster had forgotten he'd planned the kidnapping on the same day as his birthday. I've just been working so hard it completely slipped my mind. It's not easy to time an explosion at the stroke of midnight to distract the guards. Who has time to plan a soirée and an underhanded seduction? Besides, who would I invite, François the getaway driver? I don't think so, he explained to the judge's daughter. Do you think my son will remember to call?

I don't know what's going on with these two. They make Julia seem well-adjusted. Maybe we should set her up with blue-shirt guy.

1 comment:

Adam R said...

Amazing stuff. This blog is fast moving up my favorites list.