Exhibit 14.5

.5625way Through the Season Football Recap

Miami Dolphins (5-4, 3rd Place)
So it occurred to me a few weeks ago that I hadn't written anything about this football season, but since the Dolphins were doing so well, I didn't want to jinx them just to express thoughts like "They rox! OMG!" or "Woot! Is that how you do it? Oh, with zeroes. w00t. No, I don't like it that way." Well, they've only won more in the meantime and find themselves in the race for the playoffs so I think I'm probably safe to say, "Fist bumps, yeah! The Phins pown wooT 4 r34l! Killer fist bump!"

Now you know why I keep getting kicked out of the Old Chicago.

Anyway, Bill Parcells and his elementary-school-teacher-or-Gloop-Gleep-or-Russian-nested-doll-esque body type have completely revitalized the franchise as well as my not-at-all-real interest in l33t speak. In case you were unaware, this team went 1-15 last season. Each win they get adds a full 100% to how much better they are than last year. Yeah, things were looking grim but then...

MVP - Bill Parcells. There's a lot of competition for this spot (i.e. Tony Sparano, Joey Porter, and Chad Pennington) but none of those guys would be in Miami or a position to succeed without the change in attitude brought by Bill "Body Type of a Structurally Unsound Snowman " Parcells. It's weird how much I didn't care about this guy a year ago but now think he's one of the greatest football minds of all time. I don't think I've linked to it before, but right after the Dolphins hired Parcells, I happened to read this essay by Michael Lewis (Moneyball) and it really turned me around on him. If you have any interest in Parcells, football, coaching, or learning how to have a deeply unsatisfying personal life while achieving great success in your career, I highly recommend it.

LVP - Ernest Wilford. It's not a good sign when people are saying things like, "Maybe we should take our expensive free agent receiver and make him a tight end." If you didn't understand that, just imagine that you were hired to be a surgeon but after leaving a few dead patients on the table, they decided you'd be better off as the table.

The Ginn Family (7-3, 1st Place)
But it's a very tenuous 1st place. So tenuous that I'm 7th in points scored. In other words, I owe my position entirely to the vagaries of the schedule and am by no means the favorite to win the playoffs. Still, my goal at this point is the regular season title and with a full game lead with three to play, it's possible.

(Completely unrelated tangent: I was listening to The National on someone's iTunes and when the album finished the next song was "Hip Hop Hooray" by Naughty by Nature. I listened to the entire 4:30 song and half of Neil Diamond's "Forever in Blue Jeans" before I figured out what had happened. These are the things I want to tell you about at the Old Chicago).

MVP - Roddy White, WR, Atlanta Falcons. I saved my number one waiver wire position for a few weeks waiting for someone to drop a marquee player. It was definitely worth the wait.

LVP - Willie Parker, RB, Pittsburgh Steelers. But only because his body appears to be made of that white modeling clay you bake. Otherwise he's great.

Bill Parcells' Lonely Nautilus Machine (5-5, 6th Place)
This team has been as unlucky as The Ginn Family has been lucky, and it's starting to take its toll. Most of the time I spend thinking about this team I'm trying to decide if I made the right call to forgo the 's' after the apostrophe. Now, usually I'm a fan, but somehow it just looked wrong as as a title so I left it behind like Kirk Cameron.

Maybe that's where the wheels started to come off.

MVP - Oh, I don't know, every player on my team has been just inconsistent enough to help me lose. Let's say Frank Gore, RB, 49ers. He's good.

LVP - Ben Roethlisberger, QB, Steelers. Or maybe I just hate the Steelers. Yeah, that's probably it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Let's hope Bill P. has a "mind of winter," like his body-sake.