Exhibit 1.5.3

Lost Tweets

Really I'd rather not ruin my least bloggy month ever by posting something, but I feel a sense of responsibility to my two loyal readers: J. Stock and Asian Casino Big Wins.

But I've got nothing to say, so here's a collection of tweets I had saved on my old phone. I figure if I post them here, I will never post them on twitter which is probably for the best.

Why do I think somehow posting them here will tie them less to me than twitter? I don't know. Why any of it? I really don't know.

* There are only 3 people. Those who like "Dyslexic Heart," those who like "Waiting for Somebody," and those without the Singles soundtrack.

* Why did pizza geometry stop at the roll? I want a pizza box.

* 100% of conversations about karaoke go something like this, “Remember that time we did karaoke that we’re never going to talk about again?” “No.”

* Imagine how Delux, the company that seemingly makes all the checks, feels when all their orders are paid with debit cards.

* Nobody ever asks for a hand job. You should have subvocalized that as Job. Like the Bible guy. Then it’s funny. If not, it’s not.

(Ed note: there was a time when I really wanted to make this joke work. Then I realized I would never tweet about sex acts ever. Then I posted it here on a whim. I really, really don't know).

* So now that David Mamet is apparently making a movie called, “I’m an Asshole,” what role is he going to cast his wife in?

* Has anyone written an essay about riding the bus for a day and learning about the people and their stories? Because don’t. Don’t write that.

* It’s a bit cumbersome to keep saying it, but Andrew Carnegie did pay to build my bathroom.

* I’ve got a lot of thoughts on the country song “Need You Now” that I’m just going to go ahead and keep right to myself.

* It’s a little misleading that YouTube didn’t stick with “thatplacewhereyouwatchtheIGotaManvideo.com”

* I like to put on headphones and listen to Megadeath at a coffeeshop because it feels illicit.

* Whoever told Netflix I like Jason Statham will be hunted down until I get my revenge for what you did to me…o, damnit.

* Going to write a modern day version of Blood Meridian about going to the mall. "See the child section of the Banana Republic…"

* The poet’s car was such a gas ghazal-er.

* Live your life like you're making an erasure of Jurassic Park without the dinosaurs. - confusing advice.

* Whenever someone reaches my blog using Bing I feel like how the Indians felt the first time they saw ships.

* Nebraska – no longer just a Springsteen album.

* Why did indie rock find it necessary to start a sub-genre tentatively titled “Sometimes We Sing about Orphans”

* If we have HOV lanes, I don’t see why we can’t have bumper car lanes.

* When Dane says be less gauche, I always think he’s saying be less ghost and I’m like, you’re right, Dane, I probably should.

* I didn’t think this would come together but, yep, there it is, a castle. Thanks, Lego.

* I look exactly my age because eating Eggos in sweatpants is timeless.

* My least favorite modern composition is John Kale’s four minutes and thirty three seconds of salad.

* Sadly, I play basketball like I play guitar: how Dave Matthews would do it.

* When someone says it’s an oldie but a goodie, it means ‘I hope you know how to safety dance.’

* Wise men say, only fools rush into purchasing UB40’s greatest hits.

* Hey, Men at Work, I know who it can’t be: a record label.

* If you add vodka to a Shirley Temple it becomes a Lindsey Lohan.

* I’m not sure why the Catholic church taught me that “A Whiter Shade of Pale” was about masturbating.

(Ed note: See Job joke above).

* My dad's lives every day hoping someone asks him if he likes Earl Grey so he can say "That's my cup of tea!" It's important to have dreams.

* I'm not afraid of robbers. I'm afraid of robbers judging the amount of dishes in my sink. Maybe they'll steal them. That would help.

* My god, this conspiracy goes all the way to the Top Gun DVD case.


Elisa said...

I vote for essays, castle, sweatpants, and Lohan. (I'm pretending you're crowdsourcing the decision on which tweets to actually tweet.)

A. Peterson said...

Ha, I should have crowdsourced, but then I'd have to confront my pointless and inconsistent mores that allow me to tweet about Madonna but not Lindsay Lohan.

Also, many of them are just unfunny. There's that.

Also-er, that would be me trying even harder at Twitter when, jesus, I'm clearly trying too hard already.

jimStock said...

I like the Lohan one. Any sentence containing a celebrity and the word vodka is solid gold.

Not you Chelsea, not you, though.

And where do you get cell phones pre-loaded with canned tweets?