Exhibit 24.16

A Political Post

Ah, I remember when I used to do these back before this blog became 10 posts a month, most of which somehow include a manifestation of my hangups about my basketball deficiencies. Well, here we go.

Healthcare reform must pass. No, not because of the poxed masses or whatever heinous things insurance companies do. Those are good reasons I'm sure--hell, they're great, important reasons--but things have moved beyond that. Specifically, things have moved somewhere lower, somewhere pettier. The rhetoric has moved to such ridiculous extremes that it's trumped the content of the bill itself. The most important result of passing the bill at this point is not any tempered reform of our broken system but the deflation of millennialist rhetoric which somehow equates benign measures like outlawing the rejection of coverage based on pre-existing conditions to Stalinism. Two examples from the last week:

* Healthcare bill an affront to God
* Ramifications of healthcare reform will be like great war of Yankee aggression

So healthcare reform must pass because of Mondays.

If both the House and the Senate approve the bill this Sunday and Obama signs it on Monday, then a week will go by and it will be Monday again. Then another week, another Monday. And then months and months of Mondays will go by and most people's coverage won't change at all, the deficit will be (slightly) reduced, bearcats won't be performing surgeries, the system will be flawed but better, and Monday Monday Monday.

I don't think it's possible to overestimate how silly so much of the talk from the right will look after each passing Monday. None of this is to suggest that the sentiment is going away--or that it isn't, at least in some cases, heartfelt--but only that Democrats need to be aware of how damning their failure would be. It puts this sort of ridiculousness back on the table for every major issue facing the country. Immigration reform = Losing the "real" America. Reasonable federal education standards = Maoist indoctrination. Wall Street oversight = Collectivization. It's going to be like the post-1993 Clinton years + crazy.

Whereas letting the continued existence of the world and America put such apocalyptic rhetoric in the proper context is reason enough to pass the bill no matter its content. O, the right is not going away and nor should they--and no matter what the Democrats will take some lumps in November--but this is the administration's only chance to make them play in something resembling good faith. Rallying the troops with 3-corner hats and talk of revolution works great now, but 100 Mondays after the bill passes, Ma and Pa Whitey aren't going to run into the streets to yell about insurance exchanges and medicare reimbursement rates.

Mr. Beck and the like can never be proven right--that's the power of their position--but they can certainly be proven wrong.

Exhibit 24.15

Bracket Math

So, I entered two NCAA brackets yet watched zero college basketball games this year. That's okay because I have a complicated formula for determining what percentile of basketball success I will experience. First, I determine how many points I scored in my 20 most recent basketball games. So, Zero. Then, I calculate my approximate number of turnovers per 10 minutes played. So, Three. I simply add those numbers together then multiply by the number of games watched.

0 + 3 = 3 X 0 = 0

Okay, so then I divide that number by the number of brackets entered.

0/2 = ERROR

Hmm.

Exhibit 24.14

Post-Vet


Brett went a little crazy during an attempt to take her temperature at the vet. There were casualties, casualties that wouldn't accept Brett's apology no matter how long she stared without blinking.

Exhibit 24.13

I may be able to chase down a robber, but I cannot spell the word 'bureaucrat' correctly. I'm usually so far off that Word autocorrects it to the word 'bearcat.' I don't even know what bearcats are. I hope they are this:

* A bearcat exercises the authority delegated to him in accordance with impersonal rules, and his loyalty is enlisted on behalf of the faithful execution of his official duties vis-à-vis bearcats

* A bearcat is a full-time occupation and job placement is dependent upon technical qualifications re: need necessarily be bear and/or cat

* A bearcat work's is rewarded by a regular salary and prospects of promotion to lieutenant bearcat

* Ultimately he is responsible only for the impartial execution of assigned tasks and must sacrifice his personal judgment if it runs counter to his official duties as a bearcat so as not to lead to a bearocatic nightmare

* A bearcat must exercise his judgment and his skills, but his duty is to place these at the service of a higher authority, like some kind of wolflion

Exhibit 24.12

This Happened

I had 20 minutes to kill this afternoon before my Shakespeare class so I sat down at one of the little study cubicles on the second floor of the library. I saw someone I knew--Sam Amadon whose book you should pick up here--and had a little chat before beginning a short paper for my postmodern fiction class. The last line I typed was a quote from Robert Coover's essay on hypertext, "the novel… as we know it, has come to its end." when someone reached over the cubicle wall and grabbed my laptop as I was typing on it.

This confused me.

My first thought was that I would turn around and see Sam holding my computer. Not that this was the sort of joke Sam would normally make, I just honestly couldn't think of any other possibility. I didn't see Sam's beautiful, laughing face, however, but some guy running through the library holding my computer. O, that possibility.

This disappointed me.

Naturally, I ran after him--which really seems to have been the flaw in his plan all along--and chased him all the way through the second floor of the library, down the staircase, past the circulation desk, and right through the front doors where I caught him. He very politely handed me my computer back, shrugged my off hand, and ran away. I still didn't quite understand what had just happened when I came back inside panting and sweating. Two dudes came up to me and we got to have this conversation.

Dude 1: Did that dude jack your computer?
Me: I think so.
Dude 2: Dude, that sucks. Why weren't you yelling?
Me: Um, it's a library.
Dude 1: We were going to tell the cop dude but he's not there.
Dude 2: Did you hit the dude?
Me: Do I look like I hit the dude?

All through Shakespeare the only thing I could think about was what this guy's plan must have been. He clearly chose a time when the security guard wasn't at the entrance, but if he was ever in danger of getting away I would have started yelling (I was sort of joking about the library thing but only sort of. Mostly I was terrified he'd throw the computer if caught). Did he think I wouldn't run after him? Clearly if he'd heard about my exploits on the basketball court he would have thought twice about choosing me as his mark.

(It did occur to me later how strange it was that only two dudes out of the hundreds of people we ran past thought it was odd that one guy was chasing another through the library. Does this happen often here? Um...maybe.)

By the way, I'm again typing on my laptop in the library only now I'm doing it while glancing over my shoulder at the foreign exchange student with her face in a biology textbook. Try it. I'm begging you. Do it.

[stretching]

Exhibit 24.11

What It's Like to Have a Student Conference with Me, Pt. 5

You: When are we going to get our essays back?
Me: I think maybe I talk about the basketball team too much.

Exhibit 24.10

What It's Like to Have a Student Conference with Me, Pt. 4

Me: Sorry, I share this office. Ignore that other conference.
You: Okay.
Me: Did you hear that?
You: What?
Me: I think she said enthymeme.
You: What's that?
Me: I don't know. I don't even know how to pronounce it.
You:
Me: En-time-ee.
You: That's not how she said it.
Me: Man, she seems like a great teacher. You should try to transfer into her class.
You: It's too late for that.
Me: En-ta-mean.

Exhibit 24.9

What It's Like to Have a Student Conference with Me, Pt. 3

Me: [here]
You: [not]
Me: I'm so alone.
You: [frantic email]

Exhibit 24.8

What It's Like to Have a Student Conference with Me, Pt. 2

You: Good morning.
Me: Are you my first student?
You: Yep.
Me: Do you have a key to my office?
You: No.
Me: [knocks, waits]
You:
Me: This conference is cancelled.

Exhibit 24.7

What It's Like to Have a Student Conference with Me

Me: Essay?
You: Which one?
Me: The first one. No, we'll do the second one first.
You: Okay.
Me: [looks at notebook for thirty seconds]
You: Did you have a question about it?
Me: Stop being racist.
You: What?
Me: Wait, you're not Sara.

Exhibit 24.6

It's Hard to Understand How Weird This Must Have Been

In my Shakespeare in Production edition of The Merchant of Venice they spend a paragraph talking about Edwin Booth as one of the first notable American Shylocks. Edwin Booth is John Wilkes Booth's brother, something I knew but didn't really think much about in the past because he never came up in National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets. Well, I went to the ever reliable Wikipedia to brush up on E. Booth up and came across this gem:

In an interesting coincidence, Edwin Booth saved Abraham Lincoln's son, Robert, from serious injury or even death....The exact date of the incident is uncertain, but it is believed to have taken place in late 1864 or early 1865, shortly before Edwin's brother, John Wilkes Booth, assassinated President Lincoln.

To recap: the most famous actor of the era saved the life of the president's son then the actor's quasi-famous brother killed the president.

It's impossible to put this in a contemporary context. It'd be like if terrorists took over a plane with the president's daughters on it only to have Sylvester Stallone save them. Then, months later, an aggrieved Frank Stallone shot the president.*

Who would even cover that story? TMZ? Honestly, I think it would end the internet. We'd all walk outside blinking and muttering to ourselves. Nothing would make sense. From this point forward I think history textbooks should have a chapter on the Lincoln assassination called: "Seriously, this was bizarre."

*Yes, I'm writing that screenplay. Yes, Frank Stallone is attached.

Exhibit 24.5

Better than Me at Basketball:

* A short barrier you'd have to walk around like in American Gladiators

* Skee-Lo

* The basketball itself

* A robot designed solely to turnover basketballs built by Steve Guttenberg's character from Short Circuit

* Colicky babies

* An idea to start a coffeeshop

* Waiters or anyone else who brings things to tables

* Lyrics by Bernie Taupin

Exhibit 24.4

"Posterity might think I had terrible handwriting. Truth is, I wrote everything on trains.”

Bridge & Tunnel
(& Tunnel & Bridge)

by Joshua Cohen

Now Available‏


1 tape-bound volume
Cover Image F by Eric Doeringer
Book Design by William Todd Seabrook

$15/year subscription, $5/individual

The Cupboard is pleased to announce the release of Bridge & Tunnel (& Tunnel & Bridge) by Joshua Cohen. 12 stories, to be read as they were written—on the bridge, in the tunnel, in the bus, on the train.


*ABOUT THE VOLUME*

A man performs the role of the Sun in a bit of modern choreography, a young ballerina ruins a dinner party with one violent sneeze. A painter paints paintings of walls and hires a painter to paint onto a wall. Some lifestories get rejected. Some stalkers get stalked. Here, for you: twelve stories. Read excerpts here.


*ABOUT THE AUTHOR*

Joshua Cohen was born in New Jersey in 1980. He is the author of two collections of short fiction: The Quorum, and Aleph-Bet: An Alphabet for the Perplexed, and two novels: Cadenza for the Schneidermann Violin Concerto, and A Heaven of Others. Another novel, Witz, will be published in 2010. Cohen lives in Brooklyn, NY and can be found online at http://www.joshuacohen.org.


*SUBSCRIBE*

This is our sixth volume of The Cupboard, and we publish a new volume every three months. One year, four volumes=$15. Subscribe here. Past volumes from Louis Streittmatter, Mathias Svalina, Caia Hagel, and Michael Stewart are also available individually for $5.


*SUBMIT*

The Cupboard will be accepting submissions until March 1st. We are looking for prose submissions between 4,000 and 8,000 words. Submissions should be sent by email attachment to submit [at] thecupboardpamphlet [dot] org. Full submission guidelines can be found here.


*OUR NEXT VOLUME*

Amanda Goldblatt’s essay Catalpa will be the next volume of The Cupboard. It's good. Very good.


www.thecupboardpamphlet.org

Exhibit 24.3

If Given Access to Future Wikipedia I Would Search For, In Order, These Things

1. Kansas City Royals World Series

2. Apocolypse

3. Apocalypse

4. Adam Peterson pope

5. Twin Peaks episode guide

Exhibit 24.2

Books You Need

Like a Sea by Samuel Amadon




The Complete Works of Marvin K. Mooney by Christopher Higgs



I'm fortunate enough to know both of these guys, and while I don't have the books yet, they're both writers I trust. I've ordered them. Your turn.